I'm still struggling with validating. Not easy to do. Yesterday, my wife went to her dermotologist and asked about a lot of cosmetic procedures for wrinkles, her eye lids, and freckles. In my opinion she doesn't need any procedures, and I was concerned about validating and then her going and getting stuff done. Luckily for me, her dermotologist didn't think she needed any procedures either so she just came home with some creams and other medication.
The 'wrinkle' my W wanted removed is about 1mm at the corner of her mouth. The dermotologist showed her the size of the needle and said that all the filler would be wasted since that was the only spot. Told her to wait until she had more wrinkles.
I guess this is all part of the MLC. In the span of a couple of weeks my W has
(1) announced she wanted to go back to school 5-hours away to become a Physician's Assistant, which seemed to leave me and our 3 girls completely out of her plans. What would she do as a PA? She mentioned somebody she knows with Doctor's with Borders and this has always been a dream of hers. Well, she has not spoken of this since.
(2) W wants to ditch the minivan and buy a new car. She may yet buy a new car, she cannot ditch the minivan since it's in my name (oddly, the car I drive is in her name -- hopefully she doesn't sell it out from under me).
(3) W and her concerns about her looks and cosmetic surgery. Hopefully the Drs. keep telling her she's not a candidate.
I'm getting better at handling these gyrations, but I still have far to go.
Wed nite is sailing race night for the Spring season, and originally, I told my W that I would not be racing because one of the other crew couldn't make it, and we need at least 3 to race. At the last minute, he could go, so I texted my W and went from work to the race. On Wed nites, my W has been going to the gym, but we have an agreement that since I only go out 1/week, she would stay home.
While racing my phone rang from home, but I didn't answer. When I got home at 8:40pm, my W's care was missing. My 3 girls were in bed. What had happened was that because my W thought my plans were cancelled, she planned on going to the gym and then to the bar with friends. She was upset she couldn't go. She missed the gym, but at 8pm she put our 3 girls in bed, and left to the gym. She assumed I would be home soon.
When she returned home at about 9:45pm, I was at the kitchen table. I was mad and upset that going to the bar was more important than taking care of our girls. I told her this. I told her, "in the future I want to know that on Wed when I'm out, that you'll be here taking care of the girls."
I felt like I was talking to a teenager.
In the morning before work, she wanted to talk with me. Mostly she wants to offer rationalizations for her actions, to blame me, etc. I walked away to avoid a fight. She found me 5 minutes later, and we had a more reasonable talk. Mostly she talked, explaining how she has no friends, is lonely, etc. I am still learning validation, and I was much better this time. THANKS AnotherStander! So when she said she was lonely at work, I replied, "yes I see how you can feel lonely." etc. I still have to improve my validating behavior, but I'm getting there.
Incidents like this remind me I have a long way to go.
Yesterday went flying after work, getting closer to solo. After flying, met my W and family at the school where my 2nd D was in a band concert. Throughout the concert my W was carrying on a text conversation with somebody. I guess she can't enjoy the moment.
At home, kids asleep my W talked to me for about 45 minutes about her day at work. I just sat, listened, and chimed in now and then. Not trying to fix anything for her.
In bed, she said to me, "You looked cute when we were talking to [xxx] mom after the concert." I replied, "thanks, but I think handsome is a better word." This comment made me think about the book MMSL where he says how being around other women makes you more alpha and more attractive to your W.
My W then said, "you're a good man." I think my W thinks she is bad in that she knows at some level that some of her behavior is not good, but she does it anyway. This is more than mind-reading because when I was snooping on her, she wrote these types of things to her friends.
So this Saturday, as planned, I sent sailing with my 3 girls, and their friend's mom and her 2 kids. My W had made other plans for Saturday that didn't involve us. Well, these plans fell through, so my W says she'll go with us, and hang out at the dock. Then she suggests that maybe the other mom will hang out with her -- in other words, I go with 5 kids sailing alone while the women stay on shore.
Yes, I was more than a little annoyed.
I told her that if she was going to come, then she would go sailing with us. I also told her I didn't appreciate being her "plan B"
Anyway, we went and had a great day. My annoyance and discussion of being "plan B" instigated a relationship talk later that night. She started the talk. One topic was this OM that I believe she is pursuing. She insists that she is not.
The discussion continued on Sunday and then Monday morning. In an email that she sent me today (Monday) it ends:
“What really makes me unhappy is thinking you don’t love me anymore. That really gets me...”
Wow, I read this and think about what she has said, done, and the way she treats me, and wonder why else would I still put up with her sh!t. Unbelievable.
Had a second session with DB coach this Monday. Had some advice, essentially since we are getting along well, I should try to show her that living with me is exciting and fun.
W is very negative on her minivan, so we switched cars and now I drive the minivan and she drives the Honda civic. DB coach suggested this is a good opportunity for validation by me telling her how I see driving the minivan is not fun, etc. I'll do this.
W seems to have changed course on leaving because she wants to invest $$ in the house. We are moving forward on a kitchen remodel that was on hold due to her reluctance. Also, she is initiating a new project to do a patio outside. So this is a positive step.
However, there are indications that her fundamental unhappiness has not changed significantly. She left her cell phone out, and I couldn't help myself but look, and in text messages to a girlfriend she is still infatuated with another guy at the gym, and says she is staying for the kids.
Next week is my kids spring break, and we will send them to my in-laws for the week, leaving my W and I alone. On Sunday I made plans for the two of us to go to a winery in Paso Robles where they have zip lines and then you do wine tasting afterwards. I think we'll have fun. With my wife's MLC she is now interested in trying new things, especially physically challenging things, so the zip line should fit the bill.
Hi Sailing... zip-lining is fun !! VERY FUN !! Wine is great too. Be sure you look and smell great !! I want to take up hand-gliding!! Maybe you and wifey could check out couple lessons?
fyi, I have been at the bars lately... no such luck there.. just lots of dancing (I don't think you have to worry at the bars, seriously)
good luck!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
just wanted to drop a note to say earlier in this thread you hoped that others reading this could learn something. Well I am reading and I am - a lot about your sitch is similar in mine - in particular W living together and getting on very well, which is confusing especially when she is insistent that she wants D.
Sounds like you are doing well so keep it up, and keep posting!
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
Yeah, originally I thought this was unique, but the more I read various threads, the more I see that others are in similar sitch. I think women are more conflicted and feel more guilt. In my W's case, I think she wants both to be single and do exciting things, and she wants the comfort of marriage/family.
My W is not talking about leaving or divorce anymore. But she is not committed to the marriage either -- still not in love, etc.
My DB coach's advice is to do things that show her how happy, exciting, and so forth the marriage can be. So I am both doing many of the DB-ing actions and also doing things to build the relationship. In terms of DB-ing, I do not say I love you to her, I do not ask her where she's been, I am not needy, I don't complain, I give her distance, leave the room first, I do my activities with my GAL, and similar activities. Yet, I also break some of the DB-ing actions: I gave gifts for valentines and B-day, I plan dates, and I initiate sex.
This balance seems to be working in my sitch, and this is Michele's main idea of trying something and seeing if it works.
Sounds like you are doing well, which is great. Keep up the good work!
In my sitch my W has take more severe stance and moved out of the bedroom including most her things. No sex since 2 months before BD, and she is a very stubborn person so believes 100% that's she doing the right thing. I do however know my W is suffering depression, and think is blaming all unhappiness on me I also think this has triggered a MLC.
Sorry too much about me - this is your topic - feel free to pop over and catch up on mine and give me any advice!
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
