He responded to the email: I agree. I was happy...then 5 minutes later a picture of a pig with um, very large balls, "Saw this, got jealous. Had to get a pic. I do and always will love you". Um, yeah. So normally we would have sent that and I would have joked back...but for real. I pretty much tell you I'm done with our R and pour my heart out and this is what you do? Ok. Mindreading, but I saw it as a way to engage me. I ignored it.
I got a sitter and was going to go to my ala-non meeting, but she couldn't get there until later so I went to an AA meeting. It was H and I's home group, but my bestie told him he hasn't been there in months so I went. Say hi to everyone "OMG, your preggo? How's H..." blah, blah. Some guys there know what is going on, super pissed at H. I sit in my seat. In walks H. For real. I see him. I get VERY angry. He HAD to have seen my car. I took a deep breath, gathered my stuff, and left. Before tears welled up and I just sobbed when I got to my car. I went to the ala-non meeting, I was 45 minutes late, but I needed somewhere safe to go. At least H didn't call or text. My hope is, he got it. One of the guys at the meeting called me "Did that (curse words) say something to make you upset!?!" No, just his presence does it now. I did get some satisfaction thinking at least he got to deal with the questions on why I hightailed it out of the meeting.
That's what I realized last night. I don't have many safe places. I'm a walking billboard belly for questions on my happiness. "OH my god, how wonderful!? Is H excited..." All the normal stuff people say to pregnant woman, and I'm over here like "Yeah, no so excited. My H is a cheating a$$hat..." Ala-non I walk in wondering "do they know? Will she be here?" I just want somewhere where I can go and be mad, happy, sad, angry...whatever and not have to pretend a dang thing.
I'm going out with some of my girlfriends tonight. I texted one today and told her everything. I just feels better than keeping it in. The way I see it is, I'm 99% done. The 99% is just working on bludgeoning the hope out of the 1%. I need support, and I have done nothing wrong. I just haven't. I have my faults, indeed, but I'm dealing with a serial cheater. Reality: There is no chance for a happy life with him. I'm keeping this all in on the 1% chance I lose my marbles and take him back...don't want to ruin the chance. Whaaaa?!?! Don't want him to get mad cause I tell people...really?! I should be mad. I don't need to be crazy, mean, annouce on facebook, tire slashing woman scorned...but Geez T, allow yourself to be mad!!!
I'm really peeling the layers away of just how co-dependant I've been on my H. Like...hello?!?! Honestly, I'm questioning whether I am truly an alcoholic, or just a young partier living with an alcoholic for 2 years (H). And that I've just needed ala-non all these years. I'm not going to go out and start drinking. A. I'm pregnant. But, if I really take a hard look, I may have just followed H into AA. Desparate not to lose him, and I found a safe place that did help me find a spiritual solution. I feel like a total idiot even saying it out loud on the anonymous interwebs...but I think it's true. Ugh, I feel pathetic.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
