I feel for ya man. I am going through almost the exact same sitch with my wife and I can tell you that it truly is a marathon, not a sprint.
Some key points I'd like to share that I learned the hard way:
1.) Do not argue, or at least reduce the arguments (it's going to happen, we are human so if it does happen try to disengage ASAP and when both of you are cooled down, whether it's an hour or a day later, apologize for your part and don't hold it against her).
2.) Do everything with no expectations. I have been with my W for over 10 years and I have grown into being dependent on her and her approval. I found my security of myself was wrapped up in her. This is unhealthy, and is hard to change. She was in the military and so we moved around a lot and with me being the spouse (H's are the minority in that role) finding and making friends outside of the relationship was very difficult.
3.) Find and make new, healthy, relationships. Guy, Gal, a dog, doesn't matter. Your life should not revolve around your W anymore (goes along with the GAL, but I know I had a hard time figuring out what GAL really meant for ME). Having kids adds a different mix to the soup, but take some time for yourself as well. Make sure you have one or two nights a week which are "guys night" and stick to them. I understand life is busy but try to work it in there. We need good adult time, and stay our of bars, taverns, etc.. Or if you do go limit yourself on the drinks. I have found it's safer to get blasted at home where absolutely NO ONE can see you and possibly report back to your W. It's easier explaining things when you are not under the control of a substance.
4.) (last one I promise) Meditation, Yoga, Pilates, whatever. Do it, exercise has a physiological effect on our body that produces endorphins that make us happy and positive. I am super busy so I also use this as my ME time to get away from the world. Use this time to focus on you, clear away the crap/reset the meter so to speak, and put all of your pent up negative energy into beating on your body/weights. When I am at the gym I don't worry about my sitch, my bills, my job, nothing. Leave it at the door and what you do bring with you into the gym take that energy worrying about it and put it into pushing some weight. The great thing about this is that not only will you be in better physical shape but you will also be in better mental and emotional shape to face your day. It's a win-win.
I will also recommend a great book to read to help you make permanent life changes, "Hero Living" by Rudy Reyes. It is on the Amazon Kindle along with the usual paperback/hardback.
25yrsmlc,
I have learned a lot reading this topic and wanted to thank you for your continued insight and let you know that I appreciate you posting in the open forum.
