180 from being judgemental/superior: When we get beyond the military after retirement, this should be almost automatic with an exception of our differences on financial issues. I've been judgemental/superior to her because I'm living the military lifestyle and she's a civilian. A foreign civilian to boot. She's a very smart woman and that's why she took it upon herself to get away and think things through about the sitch with the OM. So she deserves my respect and to hear her vote on sitches. I've let my ego get in the way so she doesn't think I'm a pushover or have no clue about making a decision. This has instead shown her that I choose be an a-hole to her than value her input. Not the way to go. I so could've had a different outcome if I didn't put up a front when she stated over my Holiday visit that she was unhappy and was unsure if she wanted to be married. I really should have checked the ego at the door and start to work on peeling back the onion of our problem. She stated recently that she was so hurt from that visit and I will never act that way again. I had the worst feeling leaving her as I got on the train. The last thing I said to her was "May you find happiness," and I gave her a hug. I can't imagine what went through her head on the drive home.
So for now, I listen to what she has to say and validate her feelings. For example, she informed me despite her calling it quits with OM and we started to share some feelings, she's still moving to a smaller place. I held my tongue and simply thought about the pros and cons for her to do this. She'll have less expense, but she'll have to sell a lot of her stuff. I also thought that it could be positive for me expense-wise as well. We have a lot of time on our side if we decide to change up the living arrangements.
180 from being a "problem solver": I'm a mechanic by trade, so it's the way I think. It's difficult to hold back, but I'm trying. When I go to visit in May, I will let her tell me how she wants things done unless she asks. Otherwise, I'll listen to her and validate her responses. I'm sticking to being my own problem solver for now. I need it!
Listen... really listen to her(even if I have to stop what I'm doing) Validate feelings more often: I can combine these two. Initially I just need to slow down so I can listen and so I can engage in validating responses. Thus enabling that I listen better. Not just hearing. Also, most importantly... stop talking about me. I will learn nothing about her if I talk about me.
Provide for quality time: This will begin by implementing less TV. I am there to see her and the kids. Not sit on my a$$ and watch TV. Yes, it is a vacation from work, but I miss them when I'm not there. I should express that. I plan on capitalizing on the time we have after the kids are put to bed. I remember in the past (before we had kids)we had a tri-omino all-nighter and we drank tea and chatted about the silliest things. It was great! I need to do more stuff like that with her.
Involve W in career aspirations (she has a vote): This will have to come later. At this point, future employment she could care less. This is what has tainted our relationship. I won't engage in this subject unless she introduces it first. Then, I will ask her viewpoint.
More fun OUT of the house: This has been an issue since we've been in such debt that we had no funds for having fun. Now after I've been working hard on this, we do have room for this. I started last year when I took the kids to the amusement park for a day so W could have some time to herself. I plan on doing things like this, but would prefer to include W if possible.
