You're exactly right, Papa. I do think it only hurts the spouse. Like you said-you can't tell how you know something or confront it & the WAS gets to continue on while we are left hurt with no one to talk to about it.
I've restrained myself so far from snooping & think I can continue that path. I've made it since BD in Dec without doing it, so I think I'm good. It did suck to walk in on him leaving that message. I wish I could've turned right around & not heard any of it. If there is a next time I will make myself be stronger & walk away. I don't really think I would want to know what's in all those texts anyhow. It most certainly would not help me when trying so hard to act "as if".
There have been a few other times I've overheard him. I try to just take it with a grain of salt.
Thank you for the support. Focusing on myself is most important right now. I've done really well at this. The changes I have made have been for me & are real. That's the only way to make them last. H has said to me that he sees this & they are not going unnoticed. My biggest change has been self confidence. It's crazy that something so devastating can help make a person more confident. For the first week or so after BD I thought I would never come out of the numbness I was in. Now I'm more confident than I've ever been.
M 34 H 35 D 7 D 6 M 10 T 14 Pregnant w/ boy/girl twins-due 12/2013 BD 12/15/12
Journal: Today has been less stressful than yesterday. H & I have had decent conversation. Continuing to GAL & working on learning to properly detach. It's hard. Really, really hard.
My parents are coming to town for the weekend. These days are always hard. I always get stressed out the days leading up to a visit wondering how H will act. I like to hope that he will see these times with family as warming & not want to lose that. I need to get better at shutting these feelings down & assume that regardless of our time together it won't change his feelings. My mom & H are very close. Since BD I've seen him pull back a bit.
H mentioned almost nonchalantly that he is working on doing the right thing. I asked him what he meant by the right thing & he said the right thing for him. What I really wanted to say next is…how about the right thing for your daughters? Don't they deserve a chance? But I bit my tongue.
M 34 H 35 D 7 D 6 M 10 T 14 Pregnant w/ boy/girl twins-due 12/2013 BD 12/15/12
Try to stop worrying about H, his interactions with your parents, how he feels, his decisions, etc. Focus on you....do what is best for you. Make your visit with your parents what YOU want it to be.
Your H's relationship with his daughters is his responsibility. Regardless what you want for them, and him, you can't control it...
I know, I know. Thank you for staying on me Breakdown.
This stuff is tough. I can't force, make, etc etc. etc. anything from H. I don't want it to go down like that anyhow. If he chooses to be with me & work on us, it has to be what HE wants.
M 34 H 35 D 7 D 6 M 10 T 14 Pregnant w/ boy/girl twins-due 12/2013 BD 12/15/12
Oh my! I don't even know where to start? I'm positive I will ramble & I aplogogize now for it. Please bear with me.
I'll just jump right in…I'm pregnant. Yep, you read that correctly. I was feeling bad this morning & my stomach hurt. I wasn't due to start until Friday, so I thought the cramping was strange & was worried I was having appendicitis. Went to the dr as soon as I could get in. Doc gives me a test & I ask why, I'm on the pill? In which he reminded me is not 100%. I get the news a break down sobbing.
Went to my car & called my boss & told her I wasn't coming back to work today & began the dreaded drive home. (H works from home)
Walked in the door & he asked what is wrong. I just stood there for what fealt like at least 5 minutes when in actuality it was only 5 seconds & finally blurted out "I'm pregnant". H just stared at me.
When he finally spoke all he could say is that this was my ploy to keep him here & I planned the whole entire thing. I was crushed. He really does think this! He said he will have nothing to do with this baby & wants our daughters to live with him & didn't say another word. I left & went to the gym to get away. I ran for 1.5 hours. Lord, help my legs tomorrow. I typically only go for about 45 minutes.
Fast forward from when I pick Ds up from school & daycare. I get them ready for gymnastics & we head out. While they were practicing I texted H. Why? I have no idea. I'm an idiot. I told him I was sorry & that this is the last thing we need in our situation. I told him it hurts me to think that he actually believes I planned this. I asked him to please consider my feelings while we to through this & I understand he needs/wants time & space right now & that I'd be waiting for him when he was ready to talk. His reply? For me to have fun raising 3 kids on my own. That he would having nothing to do with this baby, but his girls will be in his life forever. He will support the baby with child support because by law he will have to.
I know I should've left it at that, but replied one more time with an I'm sorry & I didn't believe he actually meant everything he said. I told him I never wanted our girls, or now this, to be the reason for him choosing me & that it would have to be something he wants. But I think him coming to this conclusion so fast after hearing about the pregnancy was crazy. He told me to go f myself.
Got home fed the girls. Got them bathed & homework finished. Put them in bed. Not one word from H the entire time. I told him they were ready for him to tuck them in & he went to hug them goodnight. Walked straight to our bedroom & slammed the door. This was an hour ago & I haven't seen him since.
If he was so done, why is he still here? I'm not going to ask him to leave. I think I can handle the silent treatment for a while, but why doesn't he leave if he's so disgusted & ticked off & finished?
What a day.
M 34 H 35 D 7 D 6 M 10 T 14 Pregnant w/ boy/girl twins-due 12/2013 BD 12/15/12
Wow, ((((((in it)))))). First of all, just wow - a new little life! There are a few pregnant DB-ers and one who just had her baby. I hope you can take in all the support and love you need from your buddies here and your friends and family.
Second, your H is a real piece of work, isn't he? Keep doing what you're doing and don't let his spew set you back. Don't listen to it. I'm not sure how he can live with himself and speak those words; he must be in a pretty low place. The best response is to hold your head high and be the best you you can be, and take care of yourself.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Thank you for the support Adinva. It means a lot, especially tonight.
H is a piece of work, there's no doubt about it. When he's upset or feels threatened he goes straight for the jugular. Always has & always will. I've known this about him since before we ever even began dating. I think that is helping me stay strong right now & stick it out for the time being.
M 34 H 35 D 7 D 6 M 10 T 14 Pregnant w/ boy/girl twins-due 12/2013 BD 12/15/12
Good morning fellow DBers. I actually slept well last night.
Still have not spoken one word to H. He did sleep in our bed. Can't wait to see what today brings.
Both Ds have soccer tonight in two different locations. He usually takes our older daughter & I take our youngest. I'm torn on whether to ask him if he can still take her or try to find another arrangement? I think I'll just tex him around lunch and ask him if he can still take our oldest to practice?
Any suggestions are appreciated. Thanks!
M 34 H 35 D 7 D 6 M 10 T 14 Pregnant w/ boy/girl twins-due 12/2013 BD 12/15/12
Makes sense to confirm via text around lunchtime; you'll have time to make alternative arrangements if necessary.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
