I hope that you and your family will be feeling better soon. It takes a while to get over that particular bug. Be kind to yourself during this time and get as much rest as you can.
Continue as you have been...stay the course. She really is waking up from her coma...it's slow, but I'd rather see a slow wake up than a quick one. It tells me that she has been working on her issues in her own way.
Patience Grasshopper!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I’m so glad to hear she is slowly coming around, you have really earned this T.
Originally Posted By: TSquared2
She let on before how it made her feel to look at her empty inbox, so I email her something every morning...tame, safe, supportive (I wish I could be more "fun", replace the OMs that way, but not yet) and then let her drive any further communication.
Wise and experienced MLC board members may chastise me for this, but I’d be testing the waters here if I were in your place, T. She needs someone to fill this sexual absence in her life… who better than the one who loves her most? I wouldn’t be waiting around for OM to do it, (again) that’s for sure. What did you do the first time she fell for you? Do it again. Maybe she is secretly wishing you would.
I wish my wife was in the place yours is, so I could try out my own (supposedly risky) advice. At least in our case, I highly doubt it would scare her away. (which I know is the common fear) Only you can decide what is best for you guys.
As always, best wishes to you T, keep doing what is working.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I don't want to be the one to chastise you, FY! And our genders are reversed. But what you suggest hasn't really worked for me too well. And I know the solutions to MLC aren't exactly one-size-fits-all.
I noticed that any of the tiniest flirtations in that direction pushed my H farther away. But it might not be like that for everyone. I'd say just be very, very careful & have your radar up. It's always "do what works" and my ways in my sitch haven't always been conventional either.
In my case, it's always had to have been HIS idea.
As recent as last week on a night when he didn't sleep here he texted from work in the morning to see how I was and how I slept. I decided it was okay to say "to be honest, I am starting to miss you again when you aren't here at night"
which was met with "awww. I'm sorry"
which I interpreted as "poor little girl"
....and wasn't the "I miss you too" that I clearly desired.
A weekly later I got the "I like having you next to me"
....which was not precipitated by my feelings or promptings.
Each person is different so you have to go with what works. I like that T^2 is putting something in her inbox each morning. I would just go with humor before any sexual flirting. It says "I'm here for you" and she can give him signals. Idk. Just what I think.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
T, I hope that you and your family are feeling better today.
Stay the course and continue as you have been. When your wife is ready to discuss having sexual relations w/you, she will and I would keep flirting to a bare minium for now. Right now, she's still navigating the fog just a bit and those warm and fuzzy feelings are slowly thawing out. Your wife is baking up nicely and you do not want to start making flirty gestures towards her when she's still fragile. Remember, I mentioned that this is the hardest part of the journey? It's where you are going to have to be very patient and trust me, you will know when she's ready to return to the marriage full swing.
I, like rH, think that putting something in her inbox every day is a great way to have her begin her day and she does look forward to those missives. Humor will carry you a long way w/her and she feels comfortable w/that for now. Again, if you opt to try flirting, keep it very simple as you do not want her to scurry back to the rabbit hole.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
lots going on with you- i just was reading aorund- i wish you a ton of luck & success in your journey up from mlc land.. i agree that the effort is important. i'm happy for you to see it- feel it
i'm wondering as i read your posts if my h being pleasant and less critical and awful is effort for him or just something that came from his not having to hide what he's doing- feeling, etc.
if it's a relief to be "found out". it's nicer to be around- it doesn't (unfortunately) change anything. i guess it's just spill-over of his relief huh? you sure have patience and commitment. i don't know how you manage and continue with such good spirits and "grace"?. most days i figure it's a matter of time til i just disappear from lack of encouragement and affection.
oh well huh? glad to read your posts and see something positive out there -
I don't want to be the one to chastise you, FY! And our genders are reversed. But what you suggest hasn't really worked for me too well. And I know the solutions to MLC aren't exactly one-size-fits-all.
I noticed that any of the tiniest flirtations in that direction pushed my H farther away. But it might not be like that for everyone. I'd say just be very, very careful & have your radar up. It's always "do what works" and my ways in my sitch haven't always been conventional either.
Thank you, RH.
I often wonder why it is there are more women in the MLC forum than men. Is it because more men spin into MLC than women? Because women more often seek/use DB methods than men? Something else?
You say if we're going to flirt, we need to be very, very careful and keep our radar up. I agree! This is what men do every time they put the moves on a woman. It's how we get in. It's our way. It's likely how we got our wife in the first place! Women don't do this. (well, not nearly as often) They learn to fend off unwanted advances, which gently forces us to back off. This dynamic is the same one we are dealing with when attempting to re-connect, and is why I will not be afraid to start testing the waters, when I feel the time is right for us.
So yes, I do think the reversal of genders matters.
I'm not saying I know what's right for you T^2! Only you can determine that. Just throwing a guys thoughts out there for ya buddy. Carry on y'all.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Hi Wendy! Hope you are doing well and thriving, all things considered...
nero - You know your H best, but I think any attempts at being nice and such are an effort towards the spouse...now the real motivation, THAT is the question...
FY - I actually did try a couple very, very, very lite flirts via email in March...so subtle you would have to know me and our history to get them as flirts...one got no response, one got a vary dubious "I see...." reply...so I tested, got result and done testing. I do feel it's better to do in person where I can gauge her mood and use my, as W said, "wolf eyes" and mischievous lop-sided grins...nothing overt, just mischievous subtly (funny how I usually don't "get" subtle, but I can "do" subtle...) And since she has stated that she is trying to give herself attention, validation from within, and not be as dependent on external sources and other men...so best to let her be.
So I am going with humor, caring, interest in her as I have been and Snodderly, rH and TVS suggested. Patience dialed up to the max, and Snodderly is right, this IS a more difficult stage for me. I know I cannot help push it along, but I certainly can screw it up and stall it or worse... More lessons in patience, tolerance, forgiving and trusting in life and God....
W was/is rather withdrawn today/tonight, no email chat, gone "inside". I was light and "no big deal", she did actually answer my queries about her day, and gave me a couple smiles of the sort that tells me she was trying to be pleasant in spite of her mood...So I have a veggie garden to prep, taxes, misc other projects to keep me out of my own way this weekend.
Thank you all for your comments and suggestions, I DO appreciate them, very much.
Make a great weekend!
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
It is so disappointing when you are so careful, but they have to have their time to withdraw and continue the healing process. It takes so much patience, doesn't it?
But when I go over and read on the piecing forum, it scares me a LOT. It makes me see how we don't want to do this thing too fast.
Better to go slow now than to have to back track later on. You've already had to do that and it's not pretty.
Do you have any backpack trips planned yet? Do the boys go? Does W share that interest?
I was thinking today about your W and her worry of looking older. I really believe my H doesn't mind a few wrinkles if I have some pretty muscles. Those are sexy at any age. Does your W have any interest in BB?
We did the attachment parenting too and i really appreciate what you said on my thread about choosing to find friends now. I'm hoping my H & I could run into other couples with similar interests and older children.
T^2, you're doing so well.
I hope you don't get down tonight about her being distant. I get down so easily lately but have actually had a few days of steady happy mood.
Today, I made a snide comment on texting where it looked like I expected H to do a replay activity. I was so ashamed I said it and I think it hurt him. I apologized and said I didn't mean to be catty, I just wanted him to know I was okay with what activity he chose. But that wasn't really true. I was just TRYING to be okay with it. As it turns out he wanted to spend the evening with me and we did (swimming laps and then going to dinner)
It's hard to move into this new mode of who they are now. It's not who they were 10 years ago, 5 years ago, 1 year ago or even last month! It's quite a dance, is it not?
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
The piecing forum is enlightening, a reminder that there is no quick "all better", you know? And I just don't know if I could do this again, but, I have surprised myself A LOT on this journey...I never knew I have within what I do...so I am not assigning any thing or path to the future. Just trying to make the most of each moment.
No trips planned yet, my oldest and backpacking bud will be fighting wildland fires during the season, not sure about the younger two...but with them I can always car camp. W might do more car camping...backpacking? idk...but I am content with car camping from her.
As far as BB, she is more the aerobic/Jane Fonda type...but she DID finally start doing my prescription for her triceps...kinda cute walking around doing tricep extensions with her "blue chic weights" ...but i have no expectations. BB even for me is focussed more on "function" for my life activities rather than gracing the cover of a magazine...once I look good nekkid, of course...
I really wish she wouldn't put so much on the looks thing, I don't...I care more about her being happy and glowing from within and me being important to her.
I hope we find some "couple friends", but that is farther down the road I think. Maybe not, I just don't know.
Yes, who they are is quite the mystery...some of "old" spouse, some "new", some teenager, some alien....guess we just have to go into it with a beginner's mind?
And this processing feelings (anger and such) that we have kept on hold for so long....sooo hard not to express them inadvertently...but as I told W when I had a little issue reaction regarding her PA a while ago..."it's only been a week since I found out, please give me time to adjust and process"...and she agreed and said I was doing well with it...I think they at some point get that there is stuff unsaid with us LBS, that we've been holding in, and can, in bits and pieces, allow and forgive us as well. What do you think?
Have a great weekend, rH! T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
