She has engaged in EA's in the past, she refuses to work on the M, you're in a sexless, loveless M by your W's choice and she therefore has violated the M covenants. That's enough to justify your desire for S or D without even bringing up OM.
I am of course not condoning S or D, DB'ing is all about trying to save the M. I'm just saying that if you want to pursue that then I don't think you should force an ugly curb-side confrontation.
AS, agree with you whole heartedly on the confrontation point but would appreciate it if you could comment more on the rest given that my sitch is similar - minus the EAs (I think at least).
Certainly not enjoying the current setup w/my W and am continuing to try and "stand". I continue to think that's what I signed up for in the vows, staring a family etc.....
Are you saying that it is ok to move on because a spouse is not living up to their end of the M covenant? And if MLC is involved is it a choice?
Just looking for more commentary - not trying to challenge. For the past week or so I have really been struggling with how much is enough.....
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Newman, thanks for sharing your story. Have been following and it has been helpful.
Continue to be strong - whichever way things turn out.
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Hey Newman, Your story made me giggle. I have found myself doing the same at times. Mostly in conversations with people, I can refer to H as my "H" and not my husband. We are living and breathing DB, BD, R, MLC, WAS, EA, PA, OW, OM, GAL, 180.. its a long list. LMAO!
Thanks for posting on my thread! GTO/Turtlegirl, here!
I too am a guilty blooper-user- I text the acronyms accidently sometimes thinking everybody uses these, don't they???
I can understand your frustration with having dealt w your sitch for 2 years and seen no movement forward from your W. I agree it is time to do something different. In-house S sounds like a good idea.
I have to say since H has moved out I finally can breathe at times when I'm home (& he's not here to visit, of course) and don't think about what he' doing (texting/ emailing OW like I know he is).
As far as when to be part of in-law events, etc, I think you did a good job putting the kids first with Easter. Holidays are special to kids and I think trying to get through a day with your W is worth it for them. Other times I would agree that you are okay NOT to be part of the family in-law gatherings.
What are you doing to GAL? I mean not with your kids? I think if you are getting out there meeting new people/old friends maybe this would help take away some of the "vacancy" of your heart/happiness. That's what I hope will happen for me over time.
I'm glad you decided not to leave your home. BUT, if you do get to this dilemma again down the road don't feel you are letting your kids down or abandoning them. You have been standing for your marriage for a very long time and you deserve to be happy and be in a R where love is reciprocated.
This is the heavy on my heart- to love but not to be loved. It is so painful and lonely. NObody deserves this--it is not a way to live indefinitely. Do you have a timeline for yourself?
I do feel for you & understand your pain. And, I get the "I ready to be done" part of your feelings.
Hang in there, newman!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
I also want to say that when your W rejects you like that I feel the hurt right along with you. It's a tough blow to your ego. So proud that you dust yourself off and keep going. You are a person only a fool would leave.
She has engaged in EA's in the past, she refuses to work on the M, you're in a sexless, loveless M by your W's choice and she therefore has violated the M covenants. That's enough to justify your desire for S or D without even bringing up OM.
I am of course not condoning S or D, DB'ing is all about trying to save the M. I'm just saying that if you want to pursue that then I don't think you should force an ugly curb-side confrontation.
AS, agree with you whole heartedly on the confrontation point but would appreciate it if you could comment more on the rest given that my sitch is similar - minus the EAs (I think at least).
Certainly not enjoying the current setup w/my W and am continuing to try and "stand". I continue to think that's what I signed up for in the vows, staring a family etc.....
Are you saying that it is ok to move on because a spouse is not living up to their end of the M covenant? And if MLC is involved is it a choice?
No, I was afraid someone might interpret it that way but that is not at all what I was saying. I can't remember whose thread that quote was from, but in their case they were talking about confronting their W at OM's house with evidence of the affair in order to force a showdown. I was simply pointing out that IF they want to force a showdown, they don't even need evidence of an affair to do so.
As far as moving on, that's up to each individual. My personal thoughts on this (and not all here agree) is that if your W has left you and doesn't want to work on the M, then it is totally up to you as to how long you want to stand. For some it's a week, for some a month, for some it's years. There have been quite a few people here who have said they're moving on, and I NEVER criticize them for that decision, but I do tell them to give themselves time to make absolutely sure that's what they want. Because I thought that I wanted to move on and file D myself, but I gave myself another month to think about it only to discover I wasn't so sure that's what I wanted after all. If you're properly detached, there is nothing wrong with limbo. I hear people say "I can't stand being in limbo, I've got to do something, I want this over." People who say that are NOT detached. Because if you're detached, you're living your life and things your spouse says/ does do not impact you and thus limbo is not a painful thing.
@Galbaby thank you so much for your continued support and understanding really appreciate it.
@GTO, thanks for chiming in. I can relate to your pain as well. You're right I have to GAL more with other people in addition to GALing with the kids. The only GAL I do now is on sat I road bike with a group and that helps. I do need to learn to cook another 180 for myself.
@semperfi, thanks I will follow your sitch as well hang in there.
@AS thanks and you're right if only I could detach better maybe limbo won't be so bad. But it's so hard to detach, there good and bad days on that department for me. And at this point I do want to get off this limbo.
Update on my sitch: I want to be honest here and I recognize this is not very DBing of me. I found some evidence that my W is still talking to OM, not very solid but just enough.
Anyway, I just had it and contacted OM's W and expose the A. I felt she needed to know and based upon her reactions I know now first hand that OM is lying to my W. Next I contacted OM and I gave him a piece of my mind. I won't say the details here but you can just imagine that I didn't hold back. What is the purpose? I strongly feel that his W is entitled to know. He's been having it easy in both worlds he needs to re-think his actions. Second it was for my peace, now that I said what I had to say, I do feel like some of the burden was off my shoulders. I feel like I regain some of my confidence back. I wanted to convey to him that I'm not going away easily. At the end he said he won't contact my W--do I believe that I absolutely don't.
I did confront my W about what I found and her facial expression said one thing and her words another, she basically denied it. Then she puts it back on me that how I can not let this go blah blah blah. And I said to regain my trust she has to stop these things, stop disrespecting our kids and me. She denied again and said we're beyond that she has no feelings her words zero feelings for me.
Then I said then let's not pretend anymore. Lets separate and on our own path. She then said yes I will file for D, and I said you can but its expensive, we can separate and file later when we have money. She agreed. We're suppose to talk to the kids this weekend about it. So far she hasn't mention anything. I ask her if she talked to her mom about living there and she hasn't.
So what's next? I was reading in infidelity forum and just read starsky's post about Gucci/robx. I tend to agree on that and time to let go my W. I also just bought Dobson's tough love.
Anyone know if Gucci loafer and robx still on the boards? What's your take on their posts?
Thanks all. We'll see how it goes this weekend.
Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
Newman, I feel for you with your 2 years into this and still addressing an A. I find nothing wrong with what you did.
I'm not sure how you can force or encourage your W to leave. I do suggest that you do NOT leave the house. If worse comes to worse, you continue the in-house separation.
Sorry to hear that it came to that N. However, if it gives you the ability to move forward, then I am glad that you did what you did. I suggest you stay in the house also. It will be tough, but you know about tough. At least this way you have cleared the air and there is no more wondering. Good Luck Newman and keep us posted.
