Stuck..how do I get out???

[mizjjd]

Mizjjd...thank you so much. I realize I mainly sound like I am whining a broken record. I hear everyone, acknowledge the suggestions and then continue to do the same stuff and get the same results. I find this to be such a challenge.

TnD, you are very very welcome. And nobody gets this stuff right all the time every time. It does get easier with the passage of time and with detachment. You can't control time, but you can control your detachment. So even if its baby steps, and sometimes you slip, KEEP WORKING toward that goal. This IS a challenge. Hardest thing I've ever done anyway.

At this point I am just coming to the conclusion that the marriage is broken and can't see it being fixed. There is no trust which is a huge problem. Just last night he showered and shaved at 9PM and I fell asleep. When I woke at 11PM he was gone. I assumed out on a date since who shaves at 9PM? I called and he didn't respond and got so angry and then he came home a few hours later with groceries. There is just no trust there. Even if you stand and wait for the H to return, how does one find the trust they used to have again? It is so difficult.

Boy do I hear you on the trust issue. Don't know if you've read my sitch. My H has an old gf who looked him up on fb and they started exchanging pornographic emails. I found them in Aug of last year and the you-know-what hit the fan. So H started hiding their communications. Found them again. Hid them again. Found them again. Each time I asked H to stop, and he would tell me that it was "just words" and it "made him feel good" and he wasn't going to stop. After I think the 2nd discovery I started asking H to leave. He won't go. After the final discovery and request for him to leave, H astounded me. He didn't do what I wanted, but he compromised. He wrote ow an email telling her that future communications needed to NOT include how she "needs loves and aches for him". That from now on I would be privy to their communications.

Well I was SHOCKED. This was a HUGE concession on the part of H. BUT, do I believe it??? Not entirely. But then I think, if I don't trust just a tiny bit, what exactly do I expect my H to do? So I haven't told him that I'm skeptical. His concession hasn't "fixed" our marriage. But it did help me evict the ow from my mind. It makes my M bearable for today, and that's about all that can be hoped for atm. As for the long term? I don't know. I don't even think about it too much. I know H isn't what/who I want to spend another 21 years with "as is". Will he ever be? Who knows. I certainly can't predict the future.

I am seriously going back to detaching.

YAY!!
Your next couple of paragraphs are classic MLC script. I think of MLC as a virus, some think of it as an alien possessor/body snatcher. Whatever it is, tune it out. IF you can listen calmly, then do so. If he gets vile and nasty, if its too painful then quietly excuse yourself. Don't argue. You don't have to agree with the virus when it says crazy things, just don't argue. Try "I never knew you felt that way." or similar phrases.

There is so much damage and our marriage is in shambles. He wants out but never goes. He hates the house but never moves out. He says one thing and then does another. He acts like he hates me and then cuddles in bed with me. It is exhausting. Most everyone I know tell me I'm crazy and to kick him out. I don't know why I haven't. I guess I always hold out hope he will wake up and realize what he has but that never really happens. I feel like I am a fool and most days embarrassed that I have held in there this long for someone that clearly is not interested in holding together our marriage.

TnD, your marriage is over. My marriage is over. Even if there is a reconciliation, the second half our marriages will be NEW, not a continuation. MLC changes both partners, and it changes the marriage too. That's what detachment is for. Think of your marriage right now as "in transition". Transition to what? Time will tell.

I totally understand the "feeling like a fool". Remember the "for better or worse"? Well, this would be the worse. As far as "everyone you know"... umm, it would be best if you DON'T tell everyone you know. Actually, tell practically no one, particularly if they can't support you and your marriage. You can't un-tell these people, but stop giving them updates. If they ask just vaguely tell them you are "working on it" or some such thing. Come here to share your updates. Only YOU can decide if you're done standing, not your friends or even your family. This is hard enough without having people tell you you're crazy.

I agree with your IC, you def do NOT have control over anything but you. So TAKE control. What are some of your goals/180s/GAL? What have you done in the last 24 hours JUST FOR YOU? What will you do FOR YOU tomorrow?

These don't have to be big things. They do have to be 100% FOR YOU. NOT because H wants it. NOT because you think it will result in H suddenly "waking up" from his MLC.

I, for example, am sitting at the table listening to some awesome 80's pop music (I love music!! H doesn't so much, with him its always the TV) and have painted my nails "Rich Raspberry".

And, next time he leaves, come here and vent. DON'T call him! When he returns, be busy, be gone, be asleep. Be Terrific and Delightful