My painting party wasn't for you, I like blue!

[albamarie]

I want to share my H's letter just because it's that bizarre....I don't want this MLC lingo to get me down, I want to work on exactly what I should, me!


Let me be miserable, let me be angry, let me sell my soul to the devil and if I hang out with street urchins/ea when I can't handle it at home (because it's to nice and peaceful) leave me be. I am lost, I am gone, I don't see myself returning. Should I, yes, it would be best, but I am not looking for what's best for me, I will however always make sure you guys are taken care of and not touched by my darkness.

When I am in the darkness, don't look for me, don't try to rescue me, you can't help me with this! I am very sorry, I wish I could give you the H you love back, and "come home" but come home to what? This life is over for me, I am never going to be happy!!! I trust that you will carry this family through and become an even stronger happier family once you stop letting this emotional stuff about me go.

You have done nothing wrong, I haven't done anything wrong it's them, it's the way of the world and it's how society treats people who try to do good and be good. I will not go back to being good as it has gotten me nowhere. You be good, let the kids be good, let me go out into the darkness and make the f***ing money that yields nothing, cause that's all I am after right now, it's about the f***ing money, f**** my life, but I'm never going to say f*** your life.

I never lived for money but now that's all I'm after. Is this God like, I don't think he wants me talking like this but I have gone to far now to go back. I have fallen from grace and I will not be walking into the gates of heaven. You walk with God and guide the kids, let me go into the darkness, and return all the benefits to you (money). END

So I'm not sure why I am sharing this but it feels like a release,not to hold it all in and let it rattle around in my imagination. This man is so gone, I am sad, but I am also glad to not be dragging behind him. Today's the first day in a while he hasn't come home, he is working for some trashy friends of ea doing carpentry for chump change. He calls it his money, because he won't take from the family money for beers or eating out w/trash.

I have stayed quiet all day, but writing this down on this site is helping me stay quiet all night and not call him once he gets to work. I don't get anything from calling him, but I get my say and he takes it, I don't want to do that! So according to him sit back, enjoy life, bills are paid, if not life insurance is plentiful.

In God's hands...can I pray for a speedier finish to this madness!