Thank you, Grace! Once I'm done with this thread, I will definitely drop by. Plus I need to give you all updates on my book.
I feel blessed to have touched your life and the lives of many others on this site---One positive thing about our situations.
I met with my coach today. I was sad to say goodbye to her...it was our last session. Her recommendation was to change the dynamic of my R w my H by being friendly but not a friend, because I cannot be a friend to someone who is not a friend. He sees my H's attitude as narcissistic. He has not changed. When I said he was being nicer, she asked me how, because for what she heard he was just being "not mean." Which got me thinking. It's true. I've given so much to him and the best he can do is to be not nasty.
She said I must stop any attempts from him to use me for comfort or to ask me for help about being better in his R's, bec I'll be helping him with his R with the OW and future OW's. She said I should say I don't want to play that role anymore.
She said I should not acknowledge that we're meeting on our church wedding anniversary to do the taxes. The reason? He would not know what to say, and would ruin my memories and the sacredness of the day.
She said to keep the meeting purely business. No talk about the OW or about my life.
She said to not even mention my H to his family when I talk to them. She asked if they would ever call me if I didn't call them, and my answer was no. That got me thinking too. Should I keep being so nice and calling them? They always call me back but I doubt they would ever initiate contact.
Her message was that basically this is not a man I want to have in my life, and that by having any contact with him, I am doing a disservice to myself and to the R.
This stuff was hard to hear. I don't know. I am such a believer in offering love without expecting anything in return. I won't put my life on hold bc of him, and I will not hang on to hopes of reconciling with him, but I still want to offer love. I guess what she means is to not enable his taking advantage of me anymore. She says that I'm disrespecting myself by continuing to be nice and giving when he shows no sign of changing or giving anything in return.
She said I'm still attached to what my H thinks of me. I said it was true. I know it. I don't want to think he is angry at me.
She also said to not even hint that I care about him bc he does not reciprocate. H asked me last time we talked, "You still really care about me, don't you?" I said yes. But my coach told me that if I say yes, I'm putting myself in the position of the left-behind person. I'm perpetuating the imbalance in the R.
My H has behaved like a jerk (and saying the word jerk is an understatement.) But I can't pretend I don't care about him. I want to be myself, and who I am is love.
Any thoughts?
Our meeting is on Friday. I'll find it hard not to even mention what happened with the OW or my feelings. What feels right is to acknowledge the elephant in the room (i.e. sitch w OW) and then do the taxes. I am confused.
