Originally Posted By: WAW_SC
A lot of my 180's involve my wife. By that i mean my behaviour towards her, the things I didnt do, the respect I didnt show her and the kindness I could have given her.
Therefore 180's would be-

- Show her respect unconditionally regardless of what is happening This would mean letting her go, letting her make her own choices in life about our marriage and supporting them regardless of how hard it may be for me.


Give me a specific example of one type of event in which your behavior will be different.

Also beware of "unconditionally" loving someone and not having boundaries. IOW, the terms are often misused. "Unconditional love" does NOT mean you put up with everything they do or that you just "take it".

It means you don't judge them or mind read negatively or project onto them --your fears and insecurities and that you accept them as they are, not "honing their flaws" to fit YOUR wants.

IOW, "unconditional love" does NOT mean you "love their actions"-even when they cheat or hit or get drunk, when they're supposed to take the kids to their games...

make sense?
.



- BE kind to her no matter how difficult things are or how frustrating this is.


yeah this^^-- is kind of a given. No offense, but I mean, anyone can be kind when things are going smooth...it's when it's hard, that it counts.


- Rid myself of all the unnecessary anger and learn how to difuse it. Stop sweating the small stuff

THIS^^^ goal is a major one & it's mandatory.

Yet it will take focus, guidance, emotional bravery and strength, NEW tools, and TIME...

where and how are you going to get these? You need a plan...soon.

- Learn how to forgive and move on from arguments, dont harbour negative thoughts after it.

same comments as above. Deciding to forgive is one step in a series of steps that = the process of forgiving.

Give up on the need to be "right"...(I now see it as a disease. The 'need to be right" or declared the winner, is such a destructive trait.) But I think you get that now.



- HAve a PMA, dont be automatically pessimistic. Half glass full, not half empty


This^^ is absolutely a major paradigm shift to make!!

It'll make YOU happier and those around you will be happier and feel more loved as well. (OMG how important is that??)

Remember too, that being pessimistic is NOT fun to be around. It's a drag...it often is alienating too.

You'll have more friends, & more company by being positive.

A FEW relationships may end or become uncomfortable b/c some negative folks like to be around other negatives. Or they don't like the contrast between their negativity and their surroundings when others are happy. (Ever SEE a negative whiner actually seem to be upset about someone else feeling happy? I have...it's strange but not rare)

I found that after I attended "EE", which is the "Essential Experience" workshop, (check out their website. I don't recall where you live, but it's a life changing workshop that I attended, then h attended, Power of Now, Autumn Leaves, Navy Guy and other DBers have also attended, with all of us loving it).

ANYHOW, after EE, I more or less dropped a friend who was always bringing me down. She was a negative spiral whenever we'd talk. Whoever had hurt her recently, or long ago...she'd bring it up again...

No I didn't "do anything" official to end the r. I just had less & less time for her and noticed her negaqtivity a LOT more than I had before.

I found myself attracted to happier, more upbeat people. I liked being around them, and by being around them, I became more like them.


So it helps to have role models of positive living so you can SEE what it looks like, (which I fear you may not know) and you will find it much easier to be like that.

IOW, learning to stop doing bad negative things is important, of course.

But most of us will revert to what we know in times of crisis, if we don't have positive alternatives or other behaviors to implement.

We can know what NOT to do...but still revert to it if we don't know what TO DO instead...


So ask, and then find out, how do healthy, happier people resolve conflicts when they feel strongly about an issue?"

What does that thing called "conflict resolution" look like? Is there always a doormat in the r?

(the answer is, "no"...)


Learn new positive behaviors. Find role models and read and go to a workshop if you can.

Get in touch with your faith if you are a believer. And if you are, then learn to pray and learn to enjoy it. Find comfort in your faith. Not shame...


Are these real 180's? or are they too specific to her.


I'd say yes they are 180s to her BUT they are also core changes... being less negative and more positive are major personality changes. Learning not to criticize or see things pessimistically is a world view to change.

I am SURE you'll be glad you made these changes, but if they are 180s, so be it.


My concern is they wont be acknowledged or seen...



cry
(SIGH)

So what if they are not acknowledged?

I mean, IDEALLY she'd slap her forehead and say "OMG YOU ARE A NEW MAN &YOU ARE NOW ALL I WANT"...but realistically,

you must stop doing this as a tactic to get her attention.

These are big changes that are supposed to be real, actual changes IN YOU, b/c you want to become a better man.

If it's only to get her back, it's not authentic. It's tactical.

There's a huge difference.

She'll sense it, she won't trust the changes and she certainly won't change her feelings if she picks up on how you "just want her to notice and give you credit and hurry up and praise you for the changes...did she see??? Did she??"....

do you know how UNattractive this^^ sounds now?

The first part of your post was great. Then this...NEEDINESS of yours to be praised and "paid" for the changes when in reality

you are trying to become the man you ought to have been already...and now you want her to "see and acknowledge" your changes that so far, you are only talking about

but already are worried about not getting credit for...

geez that IS negative thinking right there...undermining you already!



the walls around her heart are so high and she is so clear and definite in her decision to walkaway from this marriage, its hard to see how anything will get through.


well geez, you wanna not bother trying? I mean, where's the pay off if she doesn't come back?

oh...you mean becoming a better man? oh...that....

(do you hear yourself?--this is an area for you to SEE & CHANGE ASAP)


Having said that there is also always room to be more respectful to others in general as well being more kind.



uh yep!

cool


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change