Still treading water

[ChrisN]

Grizz,

Keep the spirits up! Have hope, but no expectations.

Keep posting!

[Spartan]

Grizz
Nice job on the GAL and the 3 for 4 night.

Being down is a normal part of the healing process. Hell, I've been on my man period for 2 weeks now. Accept it for what it is, don't let it control any of your actions, and continue to GAL and you'll get out of it.

You are also correct that i am needy when it comes to my W. Wow, I feel like such a tool to say that. You can argue that I don't NEED her and that may be true but I definitely WANT her.

Yes Nancy, that is a toolish thing to say .

Wanting and needing are very different things. You don't have to act needy to want her. I assume you want her to want to be with you as well. Guess what, being needy isn't a feature any woman wants their man to be.

Just curious, why do you feel needy towards your W?
Are you that way in other parts of your life?

And is it really progress that she is being nice? I can't say that I totally agree with that. The optimist in me says sure, you have to be nice to R. But the pessimist in me says that she is just tired of acting like an a$$ because she is really a nice person and she is just biding her time until she can afford to leave.

Would you rather have her acting like a b!tch towards you? I try not to think of it as progress as much as just being a more tolerable living arrangement. Optimist/ pessimist talk makes me think of expectations being present based on her attitude towards you. Try not to think of it in any terms and just enjoy the moments and be yourself. My guess is she doesn't even understand why she's doing it. Don't overanalyze it, just enjoy it and remember these times if she turns back to the dark side...

[Grizz]

Thanks wfm, chris and Spartan.
Just got back from the Reds game. Great game! Reds win 5-4 in bottom of ninth.
Went with a buddy and had a great time.

Okay Spartan, you actually made me laugh out loud with the Nancy comment.

Why am I needy with my W? I don't know. Maybe I don't need her. I will survive without her. The sun will come up tomorrow if she is not here. It just might not shine as bright. So, I don't need her to survive but maybe I need her to make my life better. Life is better with a partner. Life expectancy is even longer if you have a spouse. But WANT is probably a better word.

I don't act needy around her. I probably did right after BD, but no longer.

Am I needy in other parts of my life? Now you are going to make me think. I actually wouldn't consider myself needy. I am definitely not a "mommas boy". I am fine doing things on my own (but I do prefer company). But the flip side is that i do have trouble if someone doesn't like me. Some people don't care if others like them but it bothers me if they don't. It always has. I am a people person.

I am also very competitive. I hate to lose. Maybe that plays a role in not dealing well when someone is unfriendly to me. I guess it feels like i lost at something.

I am glad that she is not a b!tch towards me. But it is so hard to detach when we are getting along. I guess that is where the expectations come in.

[cbtdad]

"I am glad that she is not a b!tch towards me. But it is so hard to detach when we are getting along. I guess that is where the expectations come in."

This is where I also have a really hard time. The fact that we are getting along so well wants to scream at me to push counseling or something like that. I know I can't, but it gets frustrating when it seems like there is something there to definitely work on. Sometimes I'd almost whether her say I'm done, it will never work, I'm with someone else. It's the limbo a lot of times that just kills me

[jp787]

Sometimes I'd almost whether her say I'm done, it will never work, I'm with someone else. It's the limbo a lot of times that just kills me

I think this were really said it would make you really appreciate and be very happy to be in limbo, imo.

[cbtdad]

Lol JP, you are probably right.
I just hate the feeling that I get knowing what I have found out now.

[ForeverYoung]

It's the limbo a lot of times that just kills me

This is why GAL is so important. If we are doing new things, growing as a person and enjoying our life, then it doesn't feel so much like we are in limbo. Yes, it does take time to get there, but that's what we have to do. It's the only way forward.

[Grizz]

Being in limbo is so hard but like my W said several weeks ago when I pressed her on it "I guess I need to decide to either stay or leave and just do it!"
I didn't like that response so I shut that conversation down and it hasn't been brought up since.

W actually asked me to come downstairs and watch something funny on TV with her and the girls. I was shocked. She even started it over once I got down there so I could see the entire episode. Celebrated it internally. Press on.

[Verum]

Grizz, as long as you're in this limbo, I think there is hope. My DB coach suggested simultaneously doing two fronts: on the one hand, continue to DB, detach, and GAL, but on the other hand, do things to show your W that she can be happy in the marriage, its fun, fulfilling, or provides whatever she felt was lacking.

Time-wise, I think when your BD and mine is the same, and I do feel that I have detached some, I'm not as needy, etc. You seem to have also been able to make progress here. Others on the board show that time does this. As time goes on, if things don't improve, you'll be in a better position to decide whether to press your W on making a decision.

[Grizz]

The dual front approach is something that I have thought about in the past but I have trouble doing it. I tried to rub her shoulder in bed the other night and she said "I'm ok", meaning to stop. So now I am wondering how long I wait until I try it again or do I ever try it again?

The upside (if there is one) is that previously that probably would have gotten to me. But that night it really didnt bother me. I guess in the back of my mind I kind of expected it.