ILYBINILWY too

[scaredsilly]

My H is a tit-for-tat person, too. I hate it! But I used to just seethe inside and then play the same game. It's passive aggressive behavior and it destroys a marriage.

I call him on it now but not in an aggressive way. I do it in a boundary-setting way. I tell him that something feels like a payback or tit-for-tat and that I can't live in that kind of relationship and will not.

So far, he's listened, mainly because he said some time ago that he doesn't like tit-for-tat behavior (ha).

But my boundary is pretty severe. I'm willing to leave our marriage rather than live with passive-aggressive behavior.

You're not Jesus. You don't have to be perfect and keep giving and giving to someone who is disrespectful towards you.

Boundaries let someone know what you will do if your core values aren't respected. It's not an ultimatum. They can be however they choose to be but will have to accept the consequences, or not. But the consequences will still be there.

I think the key, for me, has been to express my feelings before they "rot" inside me. H and I had a discussion recently where he wanted to do something that I had expressed to him months ago would be a deal breaker for me.

I had to control myself (it had to do with his adult daughter) but I advised him that I was not willing to be in a marriage where that would happen.

Had I gone along, as I used to, it would have poisoned our relationship. I won't live that way. He can do it or really, whatever he chooses to do, but my boundary is intact and it's not something I just sprung on him.

People will always try to push boundaries, especially, when they've not had to abide by them before. I look at it as getting MY life back.