first time & need help still

[nero]

hey hi-

happy easter back! you're rite of course (how often i say this) but it's mighty nice to hear yet again and get the reinforcement.

You say things like ow is soo much better than you, stop, even if ow was the queen of Sheba, never put her in front of you. Stop assuming what H is thinking and doing. Stop thinking that his choice are a reflection on you as a person! You have to depersonalize his sitch, it's his sitch, it's not about you!!!!,

i hear what you're saying. i personally think she's a total pos- but then, am forced to (i hear your voice - saying DON'T DO IT) (OR I THNK FORCED) to consider what HE must be thinking. i know- i shouldn't do it to me- i don't AS MUCH - but i still do.

i am still amazed he could toss off me for her- what a bum deal. what crap taste and so on.000'

i'm not going there today- (fingers crossed).

h is pretty neurtral and "pleasant" all in all. when he's actually nice- i thnk it's because he just "chatted" with her. it's only hurting me- i know it- you're totally correct- i'm still workin on that. i know it's about him- but then THE REJECTION is not an easy thing for me to swallow. i want better - i want more- i deserve more- YET I CAN'T SAY IT- SHOW IT- DEMAND IT, ETC.

well of course i can, but i'm afraid mwd is rite- it would just end it all bingo bongo.

ANYWAY- back to not doing this today. he's playing tennis at moment- scallop potatos cooking- i was just in yard decorating a flowerpot in front of house to look springie - we get alot of traffic- feel like it's my duty to decorate or at least make the effort - for my "fans". silly huh? but sometimes in traffic people stop and comment and complime3nt the grden (usually a mess i think- so good to hear positive feedback) and so that.

it's a nice day- my sister is cooking and someone else went to church with mom.

all's right with the world (well, almost - but i'll take it)

anyway- i'm glad to hear you're planning to have a nice day and overeat- my personal answer (well, one of them) to intense stress.

YOU'RE RITE also by the way- about us being "free" women. i would like to have a loving companion as i used to- i don't know or can't see who that could possibly be. i think i may not be "there" yet- but then, the minute someone would ever present themselves and be that- i'd be more than ready.

I am open to the universe and whatever presents itself that is positive, fun and for me. yay -

i'd better go rake a bit and finish decorating that pot- just wanted to take this private moment to check in and say hello- and thanks for note. sometimes i get lonely alot- you can tell im sure frm my rants and my constant participation in this forum. oh well- whtever it takes to get us thru the day huh?

monday- maybe my substitute junk is finally alllll done- well, one little course, will find out monday when it could be- who knows, maybe they'll have something and i'll get very busy and forget allll about him, that life, etc.

fingers crossed- it's easter rite???? time of new beginnings?

xxoo

[albamarie]

Hi Nero,

Sometimes, I used to avoid this site as it fed my dep and sadness, ever feel that way? I am having much better days and Easter was actually really nice. I have learned to concentrate on the family and myself, treating H "as if" and only giving attention if I so chose, or if he approches me respectfully.

I am not "in L" with him anymore, not to say I don't have L for him, but the ''in L'' loss is what makes it easier to get over his sitch and focus on myself. If he was by some magic wand, to become a functioning man of society and his approach was toward me with all the things I've declared as my list-of-necessities in a partner, I could fall "in L" again. But, I no longer live by the hopes and dreams of a hurt sad women.

Nero, some things can't be unseen or unheard, do you really want your H to come in the room and sweep you away? Would you trust him, would you have the agony of knowing what you know now, could you forgive and move forward?
What are you waiting for or holding on to? Ask yourself that, look at him, listen to him, and really think about what your holding on to, do you want it back?

The're not going to move out any time soon! So, can you be a roommate, go on sharing your space while GAL, and not concern yourself with his? NC in any romantic or R way, just as a person who shares space and the extra needed financial help that it offers? Because Nero, that's what you got, that's what I have, it's time we get on board and move away from sadness, hurt, anger and live again while they...well....who cares!

He's not a happy man, no MLCer is a happy person, distance yourself and save your heart! That is all I have to offer myself and that's my advice to you, find the new single you, and show her the world. Hell, I'm married and tied but very willing to explore new opportunities. I read more often than not, if a M ends up in D it's not because the MLCer asked, it's because the LBS ran out of reasons to stay M.

I'm running out of reasons to even need him in my life at all! I picture myself a widow ( I know extreme, but not unusual) and I see a burden lifted, a full life ahead of me without the burned of the past, I see possibilities. Well ok, he's not going to meet his maker any time soon, so I have picture the reality of my life moving forward breaking away from him more and more. What does that look like to me....it looks hopeful, new, and a little exciting!

[albamarie]

Your right she is a POS, after all these yrs they have gone nowhere and she has nothing to show for her life. HE's a POS to you as well!

Not you! Not your world! Don't pine over not being invited to the POS party! Really, an opinion of a POS is an opinion worth nothing , certainly not worth one more millisecond of your time.

Think about it!!!!!

[nero]

hiya-

yes, i do sometimes just not participate here because it makes me "down". i do like to feel connected to something- someone. that is a little void it fills. like minded people out there - i like knowing it( even tho i feel sad for every single one).

i can't read alot of the threads- it is soooo sad and depressing i end up crying over alot ofpeople i don't know- i don't do it often because of that.

I am not "in L" with him anymore, not to say I don't have L for him, but

i know- creepy to acknowledge- me too i'm pretty darn sure. i feel no happy butterflies about hm ANYMORE. that's what i miss- my addiction to notion of being in love and being loved.

it was certainly nice to "feel special" to someone in life. THAT is what he provided that is gone. the support- financial security( of a kind) is okay- it's not WHAT I WS DOING IN THIS R. it was a nice aspect- the main reason is kaput.

i feel like you- hopes & dreams about this pretty much in the trash. i see it- i don't like it- but i see it.

What are you waiting for or holding on to? Ask yourself that, look at him, listen to him, and really think about what your holding on to, do you want it back?

i am not sure any more WHAT i want. i want to feel love- i am not so decrepid that i can't remember what it feels like. i'm very sad to not have affection and closness in my life and love. i've got 37 years os something or another gnawing at me- holding me- i'll figure it out. it's less of a hold than it was- maybe it'll continue slipping til i totally just slip out of this life with him. it's alot like my mother- it's quite awful sometimes- why i am still attached I can't fathom- just that she was my mother for sooo long. i think he was just my "world" for sooooo long- it's got a long long memory. tough "snapping back" from it... guess i've got alot of time to do it- 20 or so years????

I could feel alot for him - not for this man he is now tho. for the man he was- which is the "real him" i don't pretend to know. merely commenting- not likely to happen i think- he may be gone. he may never have existed- that's really teh question - did he ever or just in my mind???

you're certainly right about lies exposed- will they ever go away?

oh well- wayyy too heavy and i don't have the juice to contemplate this stuff. i feel empty but not blue- so i'm just going to go paint someting pretty- work it out a bit- in a sunny window and figure out how to clean this stinking workroom so it's not such a total junk cyclone-

i know it's doable- where to begin. (like my entire life- i do believe it's alllll DOABLE - BUT where TO BEGIN???


I'D SAY that should go on my tombstone- as representtive of my entire life at this moment-

round and round and round it goes- where it stops, nobody knows......

have a wonderful day and glad to hear you so very darn upbeat and incharge of emotions and living with your roomie without too much strife. i'd say we live like that mostly- it is nice but not "enough" (at the end of the day) i think. tho, without smething better to replace it- i am on cruise. call me an opportunist or whatever it may be- self defense or preservation i think bit... i don't want to be all alone- i'm settling for a crap situation rather than no situation- we'll see won't we??? you're sure 4rite they are not demanding the "end" are they? wtf dawnie girl?

oh well-

xxoo

[nero]

I'm running out of reasons to even need him in my life at all! I picture myself a widow ( I know extreme, but not unusual) and I see a burden lifted, a full life ahead of me without the burned of the past, I see possibilities. Well ok, he's not going to meet his maker any time soon, so I have picture the reality of my life moving forward breaking away from him more and more. What does that look like to me....it looks hopeful, new, and a little exciting!

on a good day i feel the same- slight excitement and optimism. on a tired day- i wonder if this dope has ruined the best thing either of us is ever likely to experience in way of a r - no kidding.....

oh well- can't undo what is done can you? i am truly "open" to the universe and whatever comes next- no even opinion about what it might be- just me here - awaiting expectently the next step in my journey and "ready" for whatever presents itself. i'm curious what i'll do next - i'll say for me, i am soooo not locked into anything in life- i honestly think i might do anything- wide open spaces - my future... -

[nero]

hey-

just journaling here- HI TO SNODDERLY- i can't seem to find your thread in a quick look around- so if you pass by- hello. just thinking about you other day- having little gems of wisdom to share with us all now or then- thanks for tht.

i got nothin really - took h to airport yesterday. he called to say he'd arrived- i hurried off phone- things to do. still struggle with and wonder if i "should" pick up the phone if he calls or not. rite now- i really just don't even want to think about him. i always feel torn if he calls- but i don't call him unless the house is burning down. i don't feel like i miss him- i just don't even want to think aobut him, this sitch, it , ow , any of it . i don't have anything to say to him or share with him- it's kinda surreal feeling- i just don't feel like even acting like i want to talk to him or share any little events of my life- guess i'm embracing my rejection here and not bothering to feel compelled to "try".

feel that he's down there for one reason only. he says he wants less of me in his life- yet he doesn't just get the he>l out of my life. he wants ow - he wants to be 24, on his way "up" & single & fun & what and who he WAS. i guess he thinks he is having it all- perhaps he is. when he's down there playing "young guy" i don't even want to know him. i can't think of one kind and neutral way to say that- just get away and don't talk to me.

i don't want to jump in with an indictment, or an ultimatum or even be hurtful- i just would like to very neutrally convey that i don't want to know that guy- i am not part of his life when he's down there playing "young" and if that's the way it's got to be- then i'm out (of that anyway)

oh well- any ideas welcome. too tired to twirl even...

xxo





now that i'm here i don't really have anything noteworthy to say- i'll go work in garden and cut you all a break. yay- no rants today , maybe im becoming serene or wise or something good - dare i hope???

xxo

[albamarie]

Nero,

You've been at this a long time and are reasonably detached and have that gut level knowledge of how to be happy despite him. Now you have to decide if that kind of life is good enough for you, you're not free until you decide you can be happy without him.

I can be happy without my H because he doesn't make me happy. He offers me nothing, so nothing is what I will loss if I detach from him. What will you loose? What do you have now? We are not in their lives anymore (right now at least), we are a small part of something they hold on to, but not an active part of their everyday importance. It's not coming back, they are out for themselves and maybe one day, after being forced to deal with their fallout they will see the devastation they left behind.

Maybe not though, do you want to waist time waiting to find out? I don't, I am worth more than being tossed aside to wait for him to L me. Again, it's the how that stops me in my tracks. I don't like to push issues and so far any pushing I have done has yielded no results. So I go forward everyday and try to be strong and pray the answers will come, I got nothing else!

[nero]

i am quietly going about my way - forward mostly i thnk. i am not jumping up and down and demanding change or "the end". i am however, trying to be always aware that perhaps it's just over and i will need to live alone and get used to it.

it's not so scary- i do not embrace it. i am remaining open hee and awaiting what life presents to me. since i have no giant one thing i can just go out and "get" - i'm just waiting to see what comes to me.

sounds dumb i guess - but it's me and where i'm at. i'm trying to be quiet and patient and assume life will come along on it's own - like it or not- and things will happen that will initiate other things to happen and so on.

i sure have faith in the universe don't I - or whatever you'd call that-

i think, unfortuntely, when there are things beyond our ability to fix- we must just wait. jumping up and down and demanding things i can't just acquire- won't get me anywehre other than more tired (nearly impossible i'd think) - i'm awaiting something- a sign, a person, a something-

i thnk you are too- i understand where you are.

we may not be burning wi6th love for these lost men- but we don't have their replacements either- love, body, life - i think it all comes slowly- our r with them didn't happen in a day either (hence the problem letting it go) - but very probably- as sure as the tides change- change will force itself upon us- we'll react- or act- or do whatever is needed when it does- and we'll be heading down some new road we probably never could imagine- lets hope it's a good one- lets hope we see the "opening" when it appears- lets NOT WORRY ABOUT ALL THIS- we're okay rite now- and today is all we have (compliments of harvard brain guy)

xxoo do not worry- read this: i like it- it's pinned rite here in my face:


Desiderate:

G0 PLACIDLY amid the noise and haste and remember what peact there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull & ignorant; they too have their story.

AVOID loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with othrs, you may become vain & bitter; for always there will be greater & lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

KEEP interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

BE YOURSELF, Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

TAKE KINDLY the counsel of the years, gracefuly surrendering the things of yough. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome diciplin, be gentle with yourself.

YOU ARE A CHILD OF THE UNIVERSE, no less than the trees and the stars. you have a right to be here . And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

THEREFORE, BE AT PEACE WITH gOD, WHATEVER YOU CONCEIVE HIM TO BE AND WHATEVER YOUR labors & aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul.

WITH ALL it's sham, drudgery & broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful - Strive to be happy.

[nero]

HEY HI JOURNAL-LAND:

I'M here thinking this a.m.- after last two days in hospital with my mother- (in the same room!!! waiting for her to be dealt with/ discharged,etc).

i am thinking this minute about what i was telling the girl next door - whose mother was across hall in hospital!! - who agonizes over her decisions & care-giving -

and about someone here telling me- tell yourself what you would tell your best friend- treat yourself like you would treat your best friend. (instead of guilt and demands and expectations that no one alive could live up to) - be kind.

i'm also thinking of telling her this morning that she loves her mother and knows her and her health issues (totally) better than any person alive (doctors included at this point) (long long term stroke victim) - any decisions she makes out of caring- will be right and okay. no guilt- no second thoughts- go with the caring and know it's in God's hands to make any "final decisions".

i'm trying to apply it to myself- it's hard- it's SOOOO MUCH EASIER to see it for someone else isn't it???

why - i do not know. i don't ev en think i'm soooo abnormally good that i SHOULD perform better than other people. i'm just a guy(well, gal) like everyone else- doing my best.

tht's it - that's all -

well, not quite all- i'm also thinking my h is just a person who may very well be a not-so-nice person- who is quite happy to use someone (me)(everyone) and lie to me to have me around and have me love him- and feel no compunctions at all about hurting me and being a hypocrite.( his wah wah story about his mother leaving him and his dad to go "have fun" and that she's "selfish" - so he doesn't speak to her anymore. ta da - he is cheating on me and has lied like forever because he stopped "having fun" in our r. wtf??? he doesn't even listen to self.

i'm not diving off some deep end- but i'm gently floating toward the "falls".... dum de dummmmm

[albamarie]

Good Journal, it's good to just put it out there and off your mind.

Oh Nero, I wish I could crawl up, feet of the ground onto your couch with a cup of tea and talk to you for the rest of the day into night.

I was up all night hearing some of H's dark inside stories that are in him and let me tell you, he has a warpt sense of how life should have gone for him.

I just need to be laugh and talk with a girl and be around someone with a level head. Maybe some sushi for me with do for now.

Hope your having a great day, it's warm here right now, love the sun!

dm