YEAH FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!! HAPPY DANCE, HAPPY DANCE, HAPPY DANCE!! (Just to give credit where credit is due, MPT came up with the Happy Dance)
This is all so fantastic!! Now, can you tell me why she heard you? Can you tell me why this worked, and what you have to continue to do to keep things on track?
I can see by your answers that your life is 'typcial,' especially with young kids. The fact that you are getting any sex at all with two kids under 6, and one being high maintenance is pretty doggone amazing.
Understand that for a woman like your wife, everything is going to have to be in its proper place before she can not feel guilty about relaxing. And when she finally does relax, she is probably so tired that she is close to being mentally numb. I don't say this to give her an excuse, but to illustrate to you that her 'shutting down' in many instances is not about you, even though it may feel that way. If you can understand that you don't have to take this personally, it is going to save you a tremendous amount of agony.
Based on your 'schedule,' I'd say your best 'window of opportunity' is between 10 and 11 p.m. on Mondays, Tuesdays, Fridays and Saturdays. I'd use Mon. and Tues. for shorter sessions, and maybe the weekends you can spend more time ML, but with little ones, I doubt it.
Now, I say trying for Mon., Tues, Fri and Sat, because on Sun. Wed. and Thurs., your favorite TV shows are on. Yes, you could turn on a VCR, and maybe sometiems you will, but understand, too, that she enjoys watching those shows WITH you, and it would be a really good time to cuddle, and have non-sexual touching time.
If she likes to have lights out before 11, then you had best not put the moves on at 10:45, you know? Or if you do, don't be surprised if it's a 'quickie.' If you respect the fact that she needs her sleep (and she does), and you can work with her to have your ML done by 11, she will appreciate your respecting her needs, and I bet she'll be much more 'into it' with you.
Okay, you don't have to keep a journal, but you do need to watch her. You really need to know what 'things' she likes to have done by the end of the night. She likes to have the kitchen all clean, the trash needs to be out, the toys need to all be picked up.... whatever... and without her having to ask, just take it upon yourself to help make sure these things are done (if you don't already... if you do do these things already, good for you!) Don't look to her to stroke you -- "look, honey, I'm doing this FOR YOU! Do you see me?" Just do it and move on. If you don't expect a thank you, then it doesn't hurt you if it doesn't come.
These are the 'little things' for the LD spouse, just like my list for the HD spouse I have on my thread. (If any other LDs want to chime in here, please feel free!!!). And probably, for me, the biggest turn off on the planet is anger or digs. If you start feeling frustrated with your wife, or you start feeling angry with her, it is far better to take a day, or two, or three, to calm down and get a grip on your feelings than it is for you to unload on her. Unloading might feel good... so unload here. Vent here. Don't do it at her (if it's about her).
Once you have your feelings under control, you need to sit down and 'talk' with her about it without laying blame at her feet... and if you feel you are getting angry during the conversation, tell her, and say, "I'm starting to feel angry again. Maybe we should continue this at another time." Or ask her to give you a minute while you get your feelings under control.
What most people do not understand about anger is that it's very natural for us to feel it. But just because we 'feel' anger does not mean we have to give in to it, and let IT control US. You truly can feel 'anger' and not have to act on it. You can say to yourself, "I'm feeling really angry right now," but mentally step around it. Yes, it takes some practice, but if you think about all the times you've been angry, name me one instance when giving in to that emotion ever furthered your cause.
Saying things like, "you know, you really piss me off," or "it really pisses me off when you do that," are not phrases conducive to ML. Timing is everything. If you think you might have a chance of ML that night, 8 p.m. is NOT the time to talk about her spending habits. Leave that for a TV show night, or a scheduled "talking session."
Let's say you agree that you ML more often, and it seems to you she did great for awhile, but things start falling off. Rather than get pissy or pouty about it, schedule a talk time, and then get honest with her. Don't say things like, 'you don't do such and such like you said you would.''You'd be really happy if I wasn't here at all...' 'All I am is a paycheck to you.' These are NOT good things to say. They may FEEL true, but they will not help you solve the problem.
Instead, be honest. 'We said we were going to try to ML more often, and it seems to me things are falling off. Does something not feel right to you? Is there a problem I need to be aware of? Are you feeling frustrated? Is there something I can do to help?" See the difference?
This is not to say that you don't get to lean on her when you are feeling something either. If she brushes you off, or her rejection hurts you, tell her. But tell her by explaining how YOU feel, not what she did to make you feel that way.
Schedule a talk time, and tell her that when you didn't get to ML the other night, it really hurt. You were having a such and such kind of day, and you really wanted and needed to feel close to her, and for whatever reason, you were just really, really missing her that day. I know you get tired, and I know you have a lot on your plate, and you probably didn't intentionally mean to do anything to me, but I'm just feeling lonely (or whatever).
Now, you may not be able to fathom yourself saying these things, they may seem very feminine to you... but listen, you are saying these things to HER, the woman you love, and you are doing so in the privacy of your home. (Wow, I just got the weirdest feeling of deja vu there... )
The best way to get what you need is to make absolutely certain your spouse is getting what they need first. And this is the type of stuff she needs from you. After a while, it won't make a hill of beans difference to you who 'goes first.'
