Happy Easter, Eric, my friend. Hope you had a great one.
And to all those on here who celebrate it, hope yours were good.
A couple of things I wanted to share if I may.
I was married a long time before the bomb. We were young when we started dating.
I realize now so many things. It's funny how clear things become after.
He did some terrible things during all this. And truthfully, the least of which was the affair. That was a wish to go back in time to his first real love and to relive his youth. And while I dont fully understand it, it is not the thing that continues to hurt me.
Dont get me wrong, that is a terrible thing, to cheat on your spouse. And it broke my heart and hurt me to my core. i am not in anyway minimizing its affect on me. It was like a long deep knife in my back. It made me feel so badly about myself.
I guess it is a different kind of hurt than the calculating things that he did to ruin me financially and how much he hurt our son that leaves the most scars.
He had to really think it through and do things in specific ways that required he really think about them before actually putting it into action.
I forgave him a long time ago. He knows it. He doesnt understand why I did. It doesnt really matter if he does or not.
When I see my xh, he is a shell of a man. When he smiles, it doesnt reach his eyes. There is no laughter, no lightness about him. He still looks confused, lost. As far as I know, after the initial ow, there has been no one else.
And I think about how much he lost in the search for happiness and I feel so sorry for him that he never looked inside to find it.
I know that those were his actions and he has to own them. But, the only one who can judge is Him. It is not in my hands.
I still wish my xh finds his way. No longer does that wish include me, but, I do hope he finds a way to some happiness.
