I know exactly what you mean. My W had a whole damned switchboard she was flipping quite regularly. It's no fun and always kept me off balance, until I started detaching and looking at life differently.
My sitch has been going on MUCH longer than yours and I came into DB'ing way too late to save my M - that's the sad truth. DB'ing is about going against your gut feelings and what makes sense to you. So the question is this - does SHE want to talk these things thru right now?
Odds are that she does not, and is trying to sort out her own thoughts and feelings and doesn't have a real grasp on those for herself. Now you want to throw into the mix your thoughts and feelings - this is pressure, pure and simple.
sorry to hijack... its funny how I can understand exactly what is beind said on this thread but when its said on mine & applied to my circumstances... I tend to make excuses. Thank you bblake for posting on this page... I get it!
wfm
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
sorry to hijack... its funny how I can understand exactly what is beind said on this thread but when its said on mine & applied to my circumstances... I tend to make excuses. Thank you bblake for posting on this page... I get it!
wfm
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
DB'ing is about going against your gut feelings and what makes sense to you. So the question is this - does SHE want to talk these things thru right now?
Odds are that she does not, and is trying to sort out her own thoughts and feelings and doesn't have a real grasp on those for herself. Now you want to throw into the mix your thoughts and feelings - this is pressure, pure and simple.
Very succinct and insightful bblake! Thanks for sharing.
Maritimer, feel for you. In a similar situation myself - tough to detach while still in same household. Just when you think you have, something draws you back in. Completely in touch with that.......
Sounds like you have made great progress and you may be stronger and have more patience that you are aware of.....
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Keep your chin up! (from a fellow Canadian) Have hope, there is always hope. Keep posting, and I echo the thanks for Blake's statements. Need to think that way myself from now on.
No that is exactly what this is all about- giving her time and space to realize that YOU are not 100% responsible for every little problem and issue in her life. The more space you give her the quicker she might figure this out.
Its hard to watch her dig a deeper hole, financially and socially. What effects her effects our children.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
If she's like my W then she knows darned well that it would be best for the kids to remain together. You don't need to keep reminding her though, because reminding her is PRESSURE. And even though she knows it's best for the kids, her needs are controlling her thoughts right now.
I really hope she would do whats best for our family. I am doing everything I can to become the best person I can be.
Quote:
It was brought up that I hurt her emotionally and she is having trouble letting that go.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
What was your response? Hopefully validation?
Yes, I validated her responses. Noting that I made changes to avoid any of this from happening again.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
Don't be tempted. Believe me, I felt the same way. I saw some signs from W- she told my sister she was thinking about reconciling, she was showing some interest in me that she hadn't shown in a long time, etc. So I pushed her a little and guess what, she totally backed down. Have you heard the squirrel analogy? That's what you're doing, you're holding still with a nut in your hand and waiting for the squirrel to come to it. If you make any move at all the squirrel just goes running right back up the tree and you start all over again. Don't get your hopes up every time your W makes some small move, drop your expectations!!
Thats a good one, I don't want to scare the squirrel! We need to start some type of communication about the future. I dont like coasting. When we first met she liked it that I pursued her. She enjoyed the attention. I don't want another person to fulfill that need. Dropping expectations is hard because you want whats best for the family and for it to work. We have more showings for the house so I feel its crunch time to seek some kind of resolution.
Having no expectations is so hard right now!
H 37 WAW 32 S 4 (Autistic) S 2 Together 11 years Married 6 Bombshell Dec 1 2012 House sold, flying solo June 1 2013.
I know exactly what you mean. My W had a whole damned switchboard she was flipping quite regularly. It's no fun and always kept me off balance, until I started detaching and looking at life differently.
Originally Posted By: bblake1968
My sitch has been going on MUCH longer than yours and I came into DB'ing way too late to save my M - that's the sad truth. DB'ing is about going against your gut feelings and what makes sense to you. So the question is this - does SHE want to talk these things thru right now?
When I spoke with her on the weekend I got a feeling she was getting more comfortable talking with me. Its been 4 months now and it has been really hard emotionally although I dont let her see that. I guess I should hold back because I dont want to freak out the squirrel and have her run back up that tree.
Originally Posted By: bblake1968
Odds are that she does not, and is trying to sort out her own thoughts and feelings and doesn't have a real grasp on those for herself. Now you want to throw into the mix your thoughts and feelings - this is pressure, pure and simple.
Thanks, I needed to be reeled back in... I wonder how long I can wait this out.
H 37 WAW 32 S 4 (Autistic) S 2 Together 11 years Married 6 Bombshell Dec 1 2012 House sold, flying solo June 1 2013.
sorry to hijack... its funny how I can understand exactly what is beind said on this thread but when its said on mine & applied to my circumstances... I tend to make excuses. Thank you bblake for posting on this page... I get it!
wfm
No problem, the more you see other peoples situations the better you understand what your going through. In our own personal relationships we get tunnel vision and its hard to see our successes and failures.
H 37 WAW 32 S 4 (Autistic) S 2 Together 11 years Married 6 Bombshell Dec 1 2012 House sold, flying solo June 1 2013.
DB'ing is about going against your gut feelings and what makes sense to you. So the question is this - does SHE want to talk these things thru right now?
Odds are that she does not, and is trying to sort out her own thoughts and feelings and doesn't have a real grasp on those for herself. Now you want to throw into the mix your thoughts and feelings - this is pressure, pure and simple.
Very succinct and insightful bblake! Thanks for sharing.
Maritimer, feel for you. In a similar situation myself - tough to detach while still in same household. Just when you think you have, something draws you back in. Completely in touch with that.......
Sounds like you have made great progress and you may be stronger and have more patience that you are aware of.....
SemperFi00 Thanks for the encouragement! Its been a hard road so far.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back everything is different.
H 37 WAW 32 S 4 (Autistic) S 2 Together 11 years Married 6 Bombshell Dec 1 2012 House sold, flying solo June 1 2013.
The squirrel ran back up the tree but and I dont know why. No relationship talk or anything. Just when I thought everything was starting to get better it went cold. Continuing with my 180's all in a positive mindset but there is something in her head that is making her angry.
I invited her and the kids to the Zoo. NO.. Would you like to go to the farmers market. NO.. So i took the hint that she wanted space and went to the zoo with the oldest. I get confused that she dont want to do anything with me and the boys but complains when I go out. She goes out every night which is out of character but i understand she needs her alone time.
This is so hard on the head but I am detaching more. Its to the point where i am not attracted to her with this childish attitude. While I would love for her to try and work on this relationship her new attitude stinks.
H 37 WAW 32 S 4 (Autistic) S 2 Together 11 years Married 6 Bombshell Dec 1 2012 House sold, flying solo June 1 2013.
