Again, you're awesome. Tonight I used your advice. I suggested that we turn off the TV, put on a mellow CD and just talk. We talked for a while about various things and eventually I brought up sex. I started by saying that I am so sorry for the way I have mishandled talking to her about the issues in our love life. And asked her if there is anything I can do to make her more happy or fulfilled. She said that she already does feel fulfilled and she's sorry that I don't. I tried to explain how much I want to make her happy and that I need to know if there's ever anything wrong, that I'm sorry if my anger has kept her from being more open. Anyway, we had a long talk, I kept calm, didn't place blame, just tried to get across my feelings, shed a tear or two, and she responded really positively.
She said that she has really made a conscious effort in the last month or two to gear herself up for sex earlier in the day by allowing herself to think "dirty" thoughts or by reading erotica. And she made the point that she hadn't given me the "hurry up and get some" duty sex since she started doing this. I told her how much I appreciated that.
The vibrator was another story, and I think I understand now. To her, there are people like us, who make love and it's a beautiful thing, and there are drug-addicted porn stars who use dildos and vibrators. She felt like my giving her the vibrator was heading down a path she didn't like. My confusion was about the erotica she likes, which is pretty hard core. She said that since it's in her imagination, she can make the people "normal" rather than "trashy" in the stories. I told her that I respected her feelings about that, and we had a good laugh.
I told her how much foreplay and afterglow cuddling mean to me. She said that after sex, she feels the need to put her clothes on immediately, and I have to respect her feelings. Cuddling with our PJs on is fine with me.
Then we ML and it was wonderful. We cuddled and talked a little more and mutually decided that it was a great night and that we should turn off the TV more often. HOORAY!!
So things are looking much better, and I'm feeling a lot better about myself and my marriage. I don't think I'm prepared to do the written log right now, as I don't think she would appreciate it if she found out. (Speaking of which, she probably wouldn't appreciate all my posts on this board.) Here are the answers to Corri's questions. Thanks to everyone for your words of advice and encouragement!
1) Two children, 5 and 2. 2yo is high maintenance.
2) The kids go to bed at 8:30 or 9. 2yo gets up a lot and 5yo gets up and climbs in our bed in the middle of the night.
3) I work M-F, and am gone 8:30-6:45, rarely work OT, never bring work home. She's freelance, part-time, sporadic schedule, 5-10 hrs/week. We are also starting a small business.
4) If I gave her 3 hours to herself, she would go see a movie that I'm not interested in or go shopping, or get her nails done.
5) On a scale of 1 to 10, the house's neatness or cleanliness is an 8.
6) She does 80% of the cooking in the house.
7) She spends too much.
8) 1 cat, we share the duties.
9) We have a TiVo now, so the timing of TV shows isnt as crucial, but her (and my) FAVORITE TV shows are on Sun 9-11, Wed 8-10, and Thu 8-10. We also both like movies.
