Wife said she was done!

[Maritimer]

I hear what your saying about boundaries, unfortunately she feels that she can do what she wants now that we are separated.

Today she changed her last name on her facebook page and calls me her ex husband. Tomorrow she is looking at houses with a real estate agent. She is running as far away from this marriage as she can. I have accepted this. I have some hope but its not looking good for me. I dont know what if anything I can do different that would help this situation. I have to look out for myself to be the best father i can be to the boys.

Really feel hopeless today...

[stilllookingup]

Ah the FB drama. I'm sorry but I'd never understand staying on FB just to get beaten up some more. Just like the chat she did, she's desperately wanting your attention it seems like because she knows you can see what she's doing. Why don't you just delete your account? and see what happens

[ForeverYoung]

Ah the FB drama. I'm sorry but I'd never understand staying on FB just to get beaten up some more. Just like the chat she did, she's desperately wanting your attention it seems like because she knows you can see what she's doing. Why don't you just delete your account? and see what happens

Agreed. Scrap your FB account.

[Maritimer]

I think I will just block her. One of my 180s is to be more social and Facebook seems to be a good outlet for that.

Im questioning if the more space I give her the more we seem to be drifting apart. I believe this is the opposite of what i am trying to achieve. The more space I give her the more she is becoming drawn to others it seems.

She created a parental plan and a list of assets to split. The only time she wants to talk is about the houses she is looking at and wants my opinion on them.

The name change, parental plan & list of assets are challenging for me to except. I put on a strong face but its hard to act happy about this change.

[Maritimer]

Things seem to be improving here in the household and I trying to have no expectations but it is so hard not to.

She never expected me to request 50 50 custody and I believe that has her worried. It was not my intention to scare her but I do want to see the boys as much as I can and its only fair to have it split equally. She thinks what is best for the boys is to be with her and I said what is best is for them to have both of us in our lives equally. The perfect situation would for us to work on our relationship and we can both be with them 100%. She never argued this. It was brought up that I hurt her emotionally and she is having trouble letting that go.

I suggested we try to get counseling and to work on our relationship and her reaction was a quiet deep thought then went to her bedroom. After that everything was friendly as we went for a hike to a maple sugar camp for breakfast and she seemed generally happy. Easter was fun, made a turkey and I felt her spirits were up.

I know she will not be the one to make the first suggestion about slowly reconciling or go to counseling. When would be a good time to do this.? I feel now would be because of the good vibes I am receiving. I am trying not to have expectations but I do believe in hope.

It would benefit the children so much for this to work. Any suggestions on how to approach this subject? I know its against the DB program but every situations different.

[T1000]

I've just noticed our details are very similar. Both 36, W both 31, S 3 and 1. Married nearly 5 years.

Because it's going well unless there is some sort of deadline approaching I would just keep up with what your doing if there is obvious improvements.

Something I have noticed in this mess is that it doesn't matter what is said, it matters what is actually happening. Getting her to agree to something so early on won't necessarily change the situation and could possibly undo the progress. The situation changing is what will get her to hopefully reevaluate and move forward.

[movingon-1968]

I wouldn't mention the counseling yet. She needs time to think and absorb the new reality she's living in - and so do you, really. Let the good vibes sink in for both of you. However, take it slow. The R didn't break overnight and it will not get fixed over night. She's going to need to be in a place where she feels comfortable with who you are, and who she is.

Patients, patients, patients; as some other posters put it...

Of course it would benefit the children if you two can save the M. I assume there's been no abuse, violence, drugs, etc... when I say that.

Im questioning if the more space I give her the more we seem to be drifting apart. I believe this is the opposite of what i am trying to achieve. The more space I give her the more she is becoming drawn to others it seems.

This is why it's important to detach!! You cannot worry about this. If you try to be there every time she turns around; try to push discussions of the M; try to be there for her every need - this will most likely achieve one thing. You'll end up pushing her away...

I know she will not be the one to make the first suggestion about slowly reconciling or go to counseling.

Are you sure? How do you know she will not reach these conclusions just from being able to see the changes you've made in yourself? And that those changes are permanent? And that you're sincere? Ultimately, it needs to be you who makes the decision of whether to open up a dialog or to let her do so. And if you do so now, will it be perceived by her as a controlling action by you?

[AnotherStander]

Im questioning if the more space I give her the more we seem to be drifting apart. I believe this is the opposite of what i am trying to achieve.

No that is exactly what this is all about- giving her time and space to realize that YOU are not 100% responsible for every little problem and issue in her life. The more space you give her the quicker she might figure this out.

The perfect situation would for us to work on our relationship and we can both be with them 100%. She never argued this.

If she's like my W then she knows darned well that it would be best for the kids to remain together. You don't need to keep reminding her though, because reminding her is PRESSURE. And even though she knows it's best for the kids, her needs are controlling her thoughts right now.

It was brought up that I hurt her emotionally and she is having trouble letting that go.

What was your response? Hopefully validation?

I suggested we try to get counseling and to work on our relationship

= PRESSURE

I know she will not be the one to make the first suggestion about slowly reconciling or go to counseling. When would be a good time to do this.? I feel now would be because of the good vibes I am receiving.

Don't be tempted. Believe me, I felt the same way. I saw some signs from W- she told my sister she was thinking about reconciling, she was showing some interest in me that she hadn't shown in a long time, etc. So I pushed her a little and guess what, she totally backed down. Have you heard the squirrel analogy? That's what you're doing, you're holding still with a nut in your hand and waiting for the squirrel to come to it. If you make any move at all the squirrel just goes running right back up the tree and you start all over again. Don't get your hopes up every time your W makes some small move, drop your expectations!!

[Maritimer]

I've just noticed our details are very similar. Both 36, W both 31, S 3 and 1. Married nearly 5 years.

Because it's going well unless there is some sort of deadline approaching I would just keep up with what your doing if there is obvious improvements.

Something I have noticed in this mess is that it doesn't matter what is said, it matters what is actually happening. Getting her to agree to something so early on won't necessarily change the situation and could possibly undo the progress. The situation changing is what will get her to hopefully reevaluate and move forward.

Hey T1000, Our families are similar, thanks for dropping by!

I do feel there is a deadline due to the sale of the house. It is now spring and we are getting more viewings. My fear is if we are in separate dwelling that it would be hard for us to make it work again.

I am being the best person I can be and I hope she would have reconsidered to try again by now. She is a quite person so I felt like i need to speak to her to get a reading on how she feels.

[Maritimer]

I wouldn't mention the counseling yet. She needs time to think and absorb the new reality she's living in - and so do you, really. Let the good vibes sink in for both of you. However, take it slow. The R didn't break overnight and it will not get fixed over night. She's going to need to be in a place where she feels comfortable with who you are, and who she is.

Patients, patients, patients; as some other posters put it...

Of course it would benefit the children if you two can save the M. I assume there's been no abuse, violence, drugs, etc... when I say that.

There is no abuse or any negative activity in the home, Even when I did have a few beer is was never in the home.

It kinda felt overnight that she flicked the switch and caught me by surprise. Its been 4 months and she is just coasting through this event in our lives. I feel we need to communicate to move forward successfully.

This is why it's important to detach!! You cannot worry about this. If you try to be there every time she turns around; try to push discussions of the M; try to be there for her every need - this will most likely achieve one thing. You'll end up pushing her away...

Im trying hard to detach, just when I feel I have, then I feel attracted to her again!

Are you sure? How do you know she will not reach these conclusions just from being able to see the changes you've made in yourself? And that those changes are permanent? And that you're sincere? Ultimately, it needs to be you who makes the decision of whether to open up a dialog or to let her do so. And if you do so now, will it be perceived by her as a controlling action by you?

Just knowing her personality for 10 years I got a good hunch that she will not bring up any relationship talk. My lifestyle changes has made a positive atmosphere in the home and my self esteem hasent been this high in such a long time. I would be a fool to let this positive energy elude from my life.

I was always a bit passive and I dont think being controling was my issue. Stepping up with this serious talk would be an 180 for me.