As we spoke, she mentioned that S had stated to her that he "felt happy at school, but was angry at home." Then, today, S was complaining that D9 "always gets her way". I again used active listening, and S then stated that he has "mean parents". I said, "i'm sorry you feel that we're mean. We never meant to be mean to you. Can you give me some examples of when you felt we were mean to you?" He responded, "you're not mean to me. You're mean to each other."
This is so sad, but it does happen to most of us. Even if we think we're sheltering our kids from the storm they do sense what is happening even if they don't fully understand it. Based on what you've described it sounds like you are a really great father and are doing your best to help your kids, so just keep doing what you're doing!
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Conversely, my R with my daughter has probably never been better, while D9 has actually been more distant towards my W.
This happened in my sitch as well, but recently the kids seem to be warming up to W again. I think they blamed her for a long time, but they're getting over it.
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I am SO sad at the prospect of what we might put them through. Just wish W could open her eyes and realize that.
I understand why you feel that way. I went through it too. But I learned later that W DID realize what she was putting them through and it was eating her up inside. To this day she knows reconciling would be best for the kids (she has said this to me). But it's not reason enough for her to change her mind.
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I drove my daughter back and forth to the orthotics clinic (90 minute drive each way) every week at first, and then every other week for about 4 or 5 months before it became obvious that the technique wasn't working.
Wow, well that's an amazing commitment, kudos to you for that! I hope everything works out, sounds like she's doing well now!
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"Okay, great. Thanks for arranging all of that." She looked at me and asked, "Do you mean that seriously?" I said, "Yes, absolutely. Thanks." I think she was surprised by that, because in the past I might have just felt that it was her duty if she's going to change our schedule to arrange things with the kids or to switch with me on another day.
Awesome! It sounds like you genuinely meant it too, that probably surprised her as much as anything. That's the way to do it, it's the little things like this that add up to big changes
