It is a good time to start a new thread. Not only is spring here but although very little has changed in the situation, I find myself in a better, stronger place. Sigh. Which sometimes gets a person into trouble.
On my last thread, I was contemplating "dropping the rope" in Snodderly terms or, in my terms, saying goodbye. To me, that meant absolutely no contact from me unless initiated by xSO and even then, only when I felt like it. I still love him but could not see any progress in the eight months since BD.
But, had a little wine last night with the girls...and made a phone call. Oh, yes. The very opposite of cool, calm and collected. Way opposite. It was a good thing that I was prepared for anything because I initiated a R talk.
And I learned that in the eight months that my life has undergone a revolution of sorts, the MLC xSO's has not. Now, the "years" timeline makes sense to me.
This is what he tells me. Maybe some of it is even true. He is very confused and often depressed. He is going to counselling and his counsellor identified MLC as well as co-dependency. He admits that he is only about 2% the way through fixing his life. He has had some bad episodes at work which he told me he could tell me, but not the counsellor. He has a hard time sleeping in his bed.
His self-esteem is low and he hates himself for hurting me. He does not want to lose me but of course, wants only to be friends with strict rules and boundaries but through whatever relationship he is in or not in at any given time.
He is positive that he still wants a family (for those who have not read my entire sitch, we were unmarried and childless by choice for 18 years, now all of a sudden he wants to play papa). This of course sends a strong message to me since I do not want children.
These last expectations are nothing I have not heard before: he gets the best of me and a family. Snodderly once said that he is still searching for the Band-Aid and I believe that. If I meet someone else, and love them enough to marry them, I would expect that person to be my best friend - doesn't he? And - straight up - what woman is going to allow her BF/H such a close relationship with another woman, especially one he has such a history with? If I had to guess, she knows none of what he is telling me.
I also learned that he was indeed spending time with GF again. Yay intuition! This was the scariest revelation to me: he said that they were having issues because she is going through a rough divorce and desperately fighting for her marriage. Leaving aside the obvious why are you sleeping with another man if you are fighting for your marriage, but the most stunning thing to me was that I asked if he was OK with that and he said apparently he was. I shut my trap after that. Really, this is someone whom he said he was "in love with or what was the point?" (heck if I know, but that was new) become more serious behind the white picket fence and he is OK that she is currently seeking to reconcile with her H? Is it me or is that screwed up?
But, later on he said how much he like the youngest kid (little over two). He won't interact too much with the six year old because she is old enough to know that he is not her father and she would be a "minefield". So what this realtionship really boils down to for him is a ready made family with a woman that he really can't even tell if he loves her who is desperately fighting for her marriage to someone else (oh, for the kids of course).
I am not calling that a train wreck to make myself feel better. It is a train wreck. I wonder if the counsellor has heard this. So, there is one more "truth" of MLC - they do affair down.
He says he loves me and is hoping that I will still have him in my life. I was non-committal in my responses.
He mentioned going to counselling together and even mentioned that we should schedule some more time to talk. Of course in the midst of that, he also mentioned that all of the time spent on the phone while I was in first year school and we were apart for eight months was "unhealthy". I recognize this last bit as being only words and not yet actions or even commitment to actions.
So, does this change where I am? No. I would still very much like some advice as to how to "drop the rope" but not completely abandon him. We have been in a fair bit of contact lately which I was going to stop in any event. Maybe once I have detached we CAN be friends. Maybe not exactly like he is expecting but casual friends. I have heard over and over that he has to hit rock bottom before real change can occur. I truly hope for his sake it occurs before he does something stupid (well, something else stupid, after all he is giving up real love).
He said he would call tonight and I told him I would be home. I have no intention of bringing up more R talk. I found what I needed to know - in his world, he wants a family and does not want a romantic relationship with me. I am taking that at face value.
