Stuck..how do I get out???

[tiredndrained]

Mizjjd...thank you so much. I realize I mainly sound like I am whining a broken record. I hear everyone, acknowledge the suggestions and then continue to do the same stuff and get the same results. I find this to be such a challenge.

At this point I am just coming to the conclusion that the marriage is broken and can't see it being fixed. There is no trust which is a huge problem. Just last night he showered and shaved at 9PM and I fell asleep. When I woke at 11PM he was gone. I assumed out on a date since who shaves at 9PM? I called and he didn't respond and got so angry and then he came home a few hours later with groceries. There is just no trust there. Even if you stand and wait for the H to return, how does one find the trust they used to have again? It is so difficult.

I am seriously going back to detaching. When I did things were much better and I felt stronger. I had control which is something I have basically lost. To answer your question, in a quick sonopsis, my H "checked out" in the fall of 2011 after he closed his business. Then he was never the same. Got another job and as time passed grew angrier and angrier at me and was home less and less. Wouldn't tell me where he was going or what he was doing. Then in Aug he lost that job and that was the beginning of the end. He stopped coming home and was totally not commited to being married. Dropped the I love you but not in love with you speech..wanted space...then I found out about the OW in November. Turns out they were together for over a year. I believe first as a EA then somewhere when his job got bad to a PA although he refused to tell me anything other than what I find out myself. He just always goes back to he was so unhappy. Said I ignorned him and never gave him sex (which wasn't true). Maybe not as much as he would have liked but he worked 70 hrs per week. I get so many reasons but nothing substantial. He says that I didn't hold his hand anymore, didn't massage his back enough. He says not enough sex, and then he says we never got along. We were together for 18yrs...didn't get along? whatever!! He yells at kids constantly and tells them he hates our home and can't wait to leave. He says the same crazy stuff to them. Then he seems to feel guilty and starts trying again and then we cycle back to the same I hate it here scenario. If this goes on for years I will go out of my mind.

There is so much damage and our marriage is in shambles. He wants out but never goes. He hates the house but never moves out. He says one thing and then does another. He acts like he hates me and then cuddles in bed with me. It is exhausting. Most everyone I know tell me I'm crazy and to kick him out. I don't know why I haven't. I guess I always hold out hope he will wake up and realize what he has but that never really happens. I feel like I am a fool and most days embarrassed that I have held in there this long for someone that clearly is not interested in holding together our marriage.

I guess that is why I am still in IC. The C is making me realize that most of my problems come from the control which is what I no longer have. I just need to come to terms with the fact I need to control my own life and stop giving him the control. He's done enough damage. I think the other issue is I really have no family support, no parents to help me, nothing. I always feel so alone and when he is not leaving and running around for a brief moment things are normal in my mind. Its just that normalcy is so short lived and he really doesn't want to be with me anyway.

Thanks for the support!! I truly appreciate you listening to me and offering your advise.