Lost her love or MLC?

[Alias71]

Hmm. The wife has gone out and will probably be out for the whole night (she'll go to a disco in a nearby village)

Just before she left she said that she loved me...a little bit.

I take it all with a pinch of salt but just hearing those words confused me a little. I just didn't know how to react. It's what I want to hear, of course, but actions speaks louder than words and her actions are not at all loving (albeit there is a lot less tension between us. However there is no conversation or laughter between us, where, in the past, chatting and humour was constant)

Oh well, life goes on.

[in_it]

Alias-sorry you had to hear it that way. I agree with what you're saying about wanting to hear the I Love You, but why add the a little bit?

Actions do speak louder than words, but I also believe when in the situation so many of us are in our spouses wouldn't say such meaningful words if they didn't mean them. After all, she is your wife & there is a lot of history. Remember that as you think through your feelings. Hopefully you can begin to engage in conversation like before.

[Alias71]

Thanks in_it for your post.

I love your optimism and I hope that you are right but I have been lied to on so many occasions and have my defences right up. (She often says that she'll be back soon and then procedes to spend the whole night out -presumably with the OM)

I've read about your sitch and only wish I could offer you advice which would be worthy. I can only hope that your sitch gets better sooner rather than later.

[AnotherStander]

Just before she left she said that she loved me...a little bit.

I take it all with a pinch of salt but just hearing those words confused me a little. I just didn't know how to react.

It may be a variation of the ILYBINILWY bit. She loves you as a good friend or family member. But she's not madly in love with you. Same as her telling her sister or dad she loves them. Don't read much into it. It's better than not hearing it at all though (which is what I've been getting for almost 10 months!!!)

[Alias71]

I think that you are right, AS. The next day I asked her what she meant and she said that she loved me as I was the father of her children.

She is completely fixated on the OM. According to her she has never felt this way before and he's like a drug to her (I couldn't resist saying that drugs aren't good for you! Slap hand!). It hurts a little now that she said that but she's so messed up I shouldn't take it personally.

I suppose I should be grateful that we are under the same roof (although the tension can be unbearable at times), that she doesn't want a divorce and is inconsistent about separation. I can't help thinking that I'm a doormat(e?) but, I suppose, until I get my act together (I'm frustrated at my inability to do so) I can't really hope for anything else.

I really admire your attitude. Your situation isn't what you want it to be but you've moved forward so admirably. I aspire to have your fantastic attitude and helpfulness. Thank you so much for your continued help.

[in_it]

Alias-I think it's natural to have these feelings & not be able to just 'get your act together'. I know it's been one of my biggest downfalls. I also believe that being in the same house, even though having those days of tension, is a good thing. I think in my sitch I believe this because OW is out of state.

Stay strong & keep moving along. Take what you can get. She sees what and how you react. Does she know you know about her lying to you so often? My H doesn't realize I'm not buying into what he's telling me. I'll admit I have to bite my tongue quite a bit, but trying not to dwell on it helps me keep a PMA.

Our sitchs seem similar. I pray for the best for you. ~in it

[Alias71]

Thanks in_it. I hope that things are improving in your sitch. You haven't posted on your thread for a few days. I hope that that is a good thing.

My sitch has taken a turn for the worse (or a turn for the same?!!) My wife has been particularly cold over the last few days and that culminated in her telling me that she wanted to separate.

However, we have no financial means to do at present so ultimately it means that things stay as they are. We don't socialize together so no change there. I think that she said it as she sees "no hope" in our relationship. She doesn't want to work at it and I've hurt her too much in the past.

Ironically (or perhaps not?) she has pulled away from the guy I thought she was having an EA with because he was getting too close and as a result of this guy's closeness things between her and the guy she's having a PA with has dampened down too! (Perhaps the PA guy is jealous of the EA guy! Maybe he feels she is cheating on him! Lol)

Just makes me wonder at the timing of it. My main issue (my main 180) is controlling my temper and that's something I've done very well recently. Could that be making her guilty? The WAS is struggling badly. She looks so tired and is very irritable. Of course with me out of the way (even if it is only symbolic) her life will be wonderful!

Oh well, life is for living and it looks like that I will living it alone (or with my children) for the foreseeable future.

[Alias71]

Just feel like giving up.

The only thing that keeps me going is the children.

The whole thing makes me [censored] loopy. I'm so tired. I'm so fed up. I have 250k of hours left in my life and why do I waste it on this crap.

I'm afraid of being alone. I thought I got lucky with my wife. I thought I fooled someone into loving me.

I just wish I had the means to be separated. When I think that I am detached enough she breaks it.

I love my kids, I love and hate my wife. I struggled in England; how the hell do I cope here?

[Positivespin]

Alias- check out my thread

its so hard but shift your focus from her to you. Watching her mess is too painful and 100% out of your control

If you do this right you will understand the wisdom of "She is giving you the gift of time"

Put yourself in a position where you feel like you have some control over some aspect of your life - keep journaling here please

[AnotherStander]

She is completely fixated on the OM. According to her she has never felt this way before and he's like a drug to her (I couldn't resist saying that drugs aren't good for you!

Actually it is very similar to a drug fix. Early on in a relationship there's the "puppy love" phase during which chemicals get released into the system. Dopamine gives a feeling of bliss, Norepinephrine can cause feelings of excitement and racing heart, etc. Who doesn't like and crave such feelings? But they simply do not last. Usually those chemical releases go away 1 to 6 months after the beginning of the relationship.

I really admire your attitude. Your situation isn't what you want it to be but you've moved forward so admirably. I aspire to have your fantastic attitude and helpfulness. Thank you so much for your continued help.

Thank you, that's very nice of you It certainly hasn't been easy. I went through some very, very bad times. But I'm in a really good place now, I'm enjoying my life and leaving my wife to hers.

My sitch has taken a turn for the worse (or a turn for the same?!!) My wife has been particularly cold over the last few days and that culminated in her telling me that she wanted to separate.

My W did the turning cold thing for a while too. I finally had a talk with her about it and asked her why she felt like she had to be that way towards me, and she said she thought it would make it easier on me. Ha! I told her that I fully understood she was leaving, she didn't have to treat me like crap to "make it easier", that in fact it made it a lot harder. So she quit doing it, said she didn't feel like it was right to treat me like that anyway.

Just makes me wonder at the timing of it. My main issue (my main 180) is controlling my temper and that's something I've done very well recently. Could that be making her guilty?

Probably not, those are feelings she'll have regardless of what you do. Stick with your 180s, stay consistent. She's going to have a lot of peaks and valleys, it's important for you to stay off the roller coaster.

Just feel like giving up.

That's OK, it's a normal feeling to have in your sitch. Don't fight your feelings, but don't let them affect your actions either. Just let them happen and roll through. You'll cycle through all kinds of emotions, then when you think you've stabilized it'll start over again. It's part of the healing process.

I'm afraid of being alone.

I was too, but not anymore. I think that fear comes from the belief that we've found our "soulmate" in our spouse and can't ever replace them. Plus our self-esteem takes such a huge hit at BD that we think we're too old/ unattractive to ever find someone else. It's true that we'll never find someone exactly like them, but there are LOTS of other women out there. After BD I started hitting the weights hard, I tanned, I whitened my teeth, I started getting my hair cut regularly instead of letting it get shaggy, I improved my wardrobe. I went out on a few dates and was pleasantly surprised to get numerous compliments about how handsome and sexy I am I'll only be alone if I choose to be alone, I can see that now. You're probably just afraid of the unknown like I was. With time you'll get over that and come to discover that BETTER things await you in life. Maybe that'll be with your W, maybe without. But either way, you've got a great future ahead