DBing, European style

[Papa4Life]

Journalling:

It has been a busy day today. Both the D3s had to go to the ophthalmologist this morning. The elder twin (by 28 whole minutes) was born with craniosynostosis, which is a premature fusion of one or more of the joints between the bone plates of the skull, which isn't supposed to happen (a baby's skull is 'designed' to collapse somewhat during delivery), and as a result her skull was somewhat 'crooked' when she was born. At first we agreed to try a new technique they've developed involving a minor endoscopic surgery in which a segment of the skull is removed to release the fusion. Then, she was fitted for a special cranial orthosis molding helmet, which is designed to promote growth in the area of the skull where growth was inhibited due to the fusion of the skull plates. I drove my daughter back and forth to the orthotics clinic (90 minute drive each way) every week at first, and then every other week for about 4 or 5 months before it became obvious that the technique wasn't working. She then underwent the traditional method, which involved having a section of her forehead being removed, reshaped, and then 'glued' back into place to correct the deformity. The results look great (you wouldn't know there had ever been anything wrong with her by looking at her), but because the eyes were slightly out of alignment, it left her with a lazy eye. So, she wears an eye patch for about three hours every evening to help strengthen the eye. At any rate: it seems that the problem has improved significantly, but her sister appears to have a problem with her eyes (one stronger than the other) and might require glasses. However, they want to wait a few more months to see if the situation improves.

In all, we were at the hospital for about 2 1/2 hours (they both got eye drops) and when we got home, the in-laws were here for their usual one-day-a-week with the grandkids. I had a bit of work to do -- which is always a welcome distraction from the current sitch -- and I had the usual running around to do with the older kids.

W is planning on working on Friday (which is usually her day at home with the kids), and she has asked her parents to stay with the kids. I feel bad about asking them to come on additional days because of their recent health issues, but they both say they don't mind, and I'm not gonna get into an argument with W about it, that's for sure (sensitive topic). W is also planning to visit a friend on Saturday and stay overnight. At first, I had said that it was a lot to ask since I would have to be home all night Saturday and most of Sunday, but then I thought, STHU!! Give her space and let her do her thing. Besides, it's a great chance to have fun with the kids. I'll probably play a board game with the big kids and then go do something with all of them on Sunday. My first real dad and kids day since this sitch arose! I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to it

When talking to W last night, she told me about the arrangements that she had made and we agreed to a plan and who would handle what. At the end, I said to her, "Okay, great. Thanks for arranging all of that." She looked at me and asked, "Do you mean that seriously?" I said, "Yes, absolutely. Thanks." I think she was surprised by that, because in the past I might have just felt that it was her duty if she's going to change our schedule to arrange things with the kids or to switch with me on another day. That's a thing of the past, because I want to be as accommodating as possible without being a doormat.

That's about it. Going for a run later and hopefully there will be another opportunity to make up some of the ground I lost after the backtrack last week.

[sandi2]

She saw you doing a 180!

Good attitude, keep it up.

[AnotherStander]

As we spoke, she mentioned that S had stated to her that he "felt happy at school, but was angry at home." Then, today, S was complaining that D9 "always gets her way". I again used active listening, and S then stated that he has "mean parents". I said, "i'm sorry you feel that we're mean. We never meant to be mean to you. Can you give me some examples of when you felt we were mean to you?" He responded, "you're not mean to me. You're mean to each other."

This is so sad, but it does happen to most of us. Even if we think we're sheltering our kids from the storm they do sense what is happening even if they don't fully understand it. Based on what you've described it sounds like you are a really great father and are doing your best to help your kids, so just keep doing what you're doing!

Conversely, my R with my daughter has probably never been better, while D9 has actually been more distant towards my W.

This happened in my sitch as well, but recently the kids seem to be warming up to W again. I think they blamed her for a long time, but they're getting over it.

I am SO sad at the prospect of what we might put them through. Just wish W could open her eyes and realize that.

I understand why you feel that way. I went through it too. But I learned later that W DID realize what she was putting them through and it was eating her up inside. To this day she knows reconciling would be best for the kids (she has said this to me). But it's not reason enough for her to change her mind.

I drove my daughter back and forth to the orthotics clinic (90 minute drive each way) every week at first, and then every other week for about 4 or 5 months before it became obvious that the technique wasn't working.

Wow, well that's an amazing commitment, kudos to you for that! I hope everything works out, sounds like she's doing well now!

"Okay, great. Thanks for arranging all of that." She looked at me and asked, "Do you mean that seriously?" I said, "Yes, absolutely. Thanks." I think she was surprised by that, because in the past I might have just felt that it was her duty if she's going to change our schedule to arrange things with the kids or to switch with me on another day.

Awesome! It sounds like you genuinely meant it too, that probably surprised her as much as anything. That's the way to do it, it's the little things like this that add up to big changes

[Papa4Life]

She saw you doing a 180!

Good attitude, keep it up.

Thanks so much, Sandi. I know it's just something small, but I'm so happy that it looks like I'm at least on the right path again.

Even if we think we're sheltering our kids from the storm they do sense what is happening even if they don't fully understand it. Based on what you've described it sounds like you are a really great father and are doing your best to help your kids, so just keep doing what you're doing!

Thanks, Stander. I have been reading through your threads, and I think it's remarkable how 'togethet' your life is, even as your apart grom your wife. You talk often about working in the yard, going to school and sporting events with the kids, going out for meals as a family. I know you went through and probably still are feeling uncertain about things, but I really admire the way you keep yourself busy and remain active with kids. Oh, and the joke you made about "three buns" (the one that earned you a playful smack in the hindquarters from your W had me ROTFLOL It was so silly and so ... human. I really wish the best for you.

I understand why you feel that way. I went through it too. But I learned later that W DID realize what she was putting them through and it was eating her up inside. To this day she knows reconciling would be best for the kids (she has said this to me). But it's not reason enough for her to change her mind.

I think this is something that my W has been trying to convince herself of since the start of all this. I know first hand how hard it is and how people carry that hurt with them. I'm determined to do anything I can to make this as easy on them as possible.

Wow, well that's an amazing commitment, kudos to you for that! I hope everything works out, sounds like she's doing well now!

D3.5 is doing great now! She's developing normally. She and her sister will be starting school in the autumn, and she has a very good sense of humor (the little rascal takes after her dad!). And thanks for the compliment. Coming from a gold star dad like you, that means a lot indeed.

Awesome! It sounds like you genuinely meant it too, that probably surprised her as much as anything. That's the way to do it, it's the little things like this that add up to big changes

I sure did mean it. Which was why her response came as a surprise. I always did admire her organizational skills but maybe I could have told her that more often. The quiz she took said her LL was physical touching, even though I thought she responded best to acts of service, but now she's responding to words of appreciation. Maybe W is multilingual in many of the "romantic languages"!

[25yearsmlc]

hey, you "applauded the 1% of positives" she is doing,

which is a 180, and that's KEY!

Well done!!

Fight the urge to measure it against what you think she "ought" to do, or has not done, or is doing i general.

I know why you think "of course SHE ought to arrange it b/c she changed the kid's schedule and blah blah blah.." STOP that b/c it's another form of scoring, and just say "thanks" like you did.

Thanking her did not cost you a thing, & she noticed it.

It was a "moment" of you showing her change.

WELL DONE!

RE the Bullying & your kids...TOUGHIE...

but ironically, last night our whole family watched a documentary (we got it on instant streaming on Netflix) called "Bully" or "Bullying", (can't recall exact name but it was one word).

it was VERY MOVING and POWERFUL...and our children picked it for US to see...I saw every one of us crying at some point in the film, including h.

The Weinstein brothers produced it if that helps you find it; and it's well made. The film showed me other things you would not see otherwise.

Like behind the scenes, nasty cruel comments by "friends" of the victims, several hidden cameras, etc...at one point the parent points out to her son that "real friends don't hit or mess with you" and the son says, "if they're not my friends, then I don't have ANY..."

ouch...

The kids might talk to you in more detail about what they're experiencing, and maybe they can get some tools. You will learn a lot.

WARNING---I was very disappointed with the reactions of the school's administrators...so be ready to be upset by that...

But don't give into the urge to blame your w for "making things worse" or somehow not being comforting enough, when, instead, you can bond and unite over this.

Good luck.

[Papa4Life]

It's incredible how such trivial things can become so weighted with meaning.

For example, last night it was my turn to bring the twins to bed. W and I take turns because it's nice to get an early start on the evening from time to time, although usually when it's W's turn, I like to clean up downstairs, or maybe do dishes or laundry. I think doing that stuff while W isn't around kinda reinforces the idea that I'm not fishing for compliments or praise.

At any rate, once the girls were tucked in, I went downstairs to get a drink and W, who was on the phone, headed upstairs. I had been planning to go back upstairs myself, and when W saw me headed for the door, she turned around and stayed downstairs. She does this a lot when she talks to this particular friend who she's known most her life and who probably knows more about my sitch than I do A while later I headed downstairs again, and right on cue W headed to her room. (I know this is getting tedious, but bear with me, there is a point to all this.)

W came back down a short time later. She's very economic with her words to me later, which is why I've made it a goal to have her be able to have a warm conversation with me. I volunteered to bring the kids to school and daycare, which she had offered to do to make up for her going to visit overnight with a friend on Sat./Sun. She also asked if her friend could bring over two of her kids on Sat. while she and her H went to a funeral, and of course I agreed immediately. She explained that she was hoping to leave in the mid-afternoon to visit her friend, and I assured her that I would manage just fine with the six rugrats and she shouldn't give it a second thought.

So -- here comes the interesting part -- when I went upstairs, I noticed my DR book lying on my bed. Now, I am almost positive that I had the book lying on my desk and I know for a fact that I didn't read it yesterday. It almost certainly couldn't have been the kids, because they were in bed by the time I was in my bedroom. Which leads me to believe that W came into my room and picked up the book. (The plot thickens, huh?) I wonder if it was W finally taking an interest in the book without my pushing it on her or parading it around in front of her (which I never do, and I stopped even mentioning it long ago after reading about it on this BB). I do have quite a few notes scribbled over many (all right: most) of the pages, so that's a bit awkward, but maybe she remembers my telling her early on about WAW syndrome and wanted to tell her friend about it. I have told her that I'm not trying to manipulate her, that I'm just working on me, so maybe she wanted to check if my positive changes really aren't some kind of Jedi mind trick. I'm probably reaching here. For all I know one of the kids moved it or W moved it to use the computer on my desk or something. But it kinda made me happy. I'll try not to read too much into it, but I do hope she really did pick it up.

[AnotherStander]

Oh, and the joke you made about "three buns" (the one that earned you a playful smack in the hindquarters from your W had me ROTFLOL It was so silly and so ... human. I really wish the best for you.

Ha! I had forgotten about that, it was so much like the "old days" And thank you!

The quiz she took said her LL was physical touching, even though I thought she responded best to acts of service, but now she's responding to words of appreciation. Maybe W is multilingual in many of the "romantic languages"!

Absolutely, most people do respond to more than one LL. PT is probably the toughest PLL to "fill" when DB'ing, so usually in that case it's better to use other LL's anyway.

One takeaway I had from the book was that our spouses respond more favorably to some LL's than others, but that we should still show love in the other languages as well. It's just that they may not respond as strongly in their lesser LL's. "Gifts" ranked low for my W, but that doesn't mean she doesn't like getting gifts, it just means it doesn't have as big an impact on her as WoA.

And speaking of gifts, I never understood why my wife didn't respond more favorably over the years to what I considered to be really thoughtful gifts. I would carefully watch her for her reactions and I was almost always disappointed. It wasn't until I read 5LL that I realized that I just assumed everyone had the same PLL as me and I expected them to be as enthusiastic about it as me.

[Papa4Life]

So, as is my wont lately, I asked W tonight about work. I say that because, back in the old days, I was generally so wrapped up in the "rush hour" of activities around dinner time that it was hard to hear somebody talking a mile a minute in my ear about her problems without acknowledging the seven balls that I was trying to juggle at the time. What a fool, a genuine fool, I was for not sensing this need she has to get it all out so that she can relax and get on with the shift to life on the homefront.

Anyway, she was talking about how things were going and I was using active listening techniques, bouncing ideas off of her and so forth. I even quitly slipped in a suggestion based on DBing about doing a 180 to challenge her staff's expectations and force them to alter their response. Of course I didn't let on that it was a DB tehnique, but hey: if it works, why not use it?

At any rate, at one point, I mentioned that I like talking to her about work because I enjoy the conversations we have. This was actually a bit of a screwup on my part, because in reality I was referring to the fact that she battens down the hatches when I bring up essentially ANY other topic, so it seems that whenever she talks about work, the alien heads out to pick up a pack of smokes and I can have an actual human-type convo with my beloved W for five minutes at a stretch. W on the other hand didn't catch this slipup and instead asked "really? Because you never wanted to hear about my job before." To which I responded, "And do you think there's been any ten minute period in the last three months I haven't kicked myself about that?" Well, my dearly departed grandmother must have been smiling down on me at that moment because, just as I dismissing myself as a self-defeating imbicile, my W looked over and asked, "what was that?" Ah, nothin'. I'm just glad things are going better at work. I have always really admired your incredible work ethic and your dedication to being an excellent manager.

Thanks, Gram.

[sandi2]

Easy does it. You have to be careful not to over-kill b/c she will see it as simply kissing up and trying to rope her back in.

But now that you realize that was a "need" your W has and the way she gets rid of her frustrations by talking (and you simply listening)....maybe you will have more opportunities to build on this. Know what I mean?

[Papa4Life]

Absolutely, Sandi. She can doubt it all she likes or needs to, but this is a genuine change of heart for me. I realize now how truly important this is to her, and I've internalized it, similar to my 180s on giving her space to socialize and spend time with colleagues and helping more with household chores and taking more responsibility for the kids' sports and musical activities. They've all become second nature to me and, although she is loath to admit it, I know my wife has noticed and (gasp!) appreciates the change.

One foot in front of the other...