Not confused, still emotional, getting very angry

[BRNR]

Hey AJ - I actually just got off the phone with the attorney and family court system. Turns out I can file for child support, medical support, and spousal support without filing for divorce.

So, that is a good thing for me, and in knowing this, I won't tell him on Sunday if this is what I decide needs to be done. I will just file what I need and he will get the summons and we will go from there...

Just because he said it's about finances, doesn't make it so.

I hear you AJ, but my gut is telling me that it will be. Like I said, I will just probably hear what he has to say, make my own decision that night when i am alone and can process....no need to get into an argument.

Question - why does your H think you no longer love him? Or at least, why is he telling the kids that? Have you asked him that question before?

I don't think I have ever answered that. Simplest answer...a cop out to the kids, so he doesn't have to admit to the affair.

Long answer, his complaint the month before he left was that I never paid him any attention and put the kids and our home first. Things that I could see where he was coming from, but was not necessarily true. But his feelings nonetheless, so I worked on them, with him openly admitting before he left that he saw a change, but it was too late. I felt it was the kids, him and then the home...as you can see...I, myself, didn't even make that list. And I will admit that him and I never had a lot of alone time to just spend with each other...for the most part, we always had the kids in tow or worked at our jobs or household responsibilities.

Well, the day he told me we were done, I told him that I wanted to share something with him, which was that I knew about OW. Before I could get it out, he accused me of having an affair. When I asked with who and why he thought that, he had nothing, so I am assuming that is all that projection stuff...he knew he was guilty of it himself. And just to clarify NO, I did NOT have an affair, and honestly every one could tell you that I only had eyes for H and brought him up all the time and how great of a husband he was, etc, etc.

Anyway, the day that "we" told the kids, he wanted to tell the kids that I didn't show him any affection or love, and I didn't pay him any attention. I objected obviously as this is not something I wanted them told, so we said that we were having problems and it had nothing to do with them.

The following weeks, the boys had a lot of questions, and he threw me under the bus every time they asked him...with these continued accusations. H would say "I made mistakes, but your your Mom made A, B, C, D, E, mistakes etc..." describing them to the boys. Finally on defense mode with the kids one day, I asked the boys if their Dad ever said what his mistakes were, and the boys said no. Well my youngest, asked him one day, and all he could say was you are too young to know. WTF...but you can tell them that I "don't love you", "I don't give you any affection", "I ignored you",etc, etc...the list goes on.

So til this day, that is still the reason he gives the kids, but my oldest doesn't buy it, and knows that I did love him (before and now) and that there must be "something else", he just doesn't know what. So he has stopped asking H.

That is why it has been really hard to do the 180's regarding the attention and affection. But what I have done, is look H into his eyes when he is speaking and stop what I am doing. I also stopped "interrupting, and really just hear him out and then respond, if at all. As you guys have pointed out, I am a fixer, so I have left him with a lot of unknowns for him to fix on his own. I also have "practiced" being more affectionate and loving and patient with the boys, both in front of H and not.

But as they say, this is his MLC, and quite frankly his life. Honestly, this can't go on forever. And at some point, these explanations may have to be given, but I know that is a looooong way down the road.

[AJM]

Gotcha. Yep, projection is a funny thing, isn't it? I can see it from another angle - he is ashamed of what he did and afraid of the consequences. But if he makes it your fault, then it's a totally different world. Kind of like making himself the victim so he doesn't get a spanking when dad gets home. "I know what I did was wrong, but I had to do it because of x, y, & z" kind of thing. More so with your kids. If he fesses up, he may be afraid they won't love him. Same for you. If he tells the truth, you may not respect nor love him.

They don't see it until much later if at all. The truth always sets you free even if painful. And the other, a coward faces a thousand deaths, while the brave, just one.

Thanks BRNR. Thanks for sharing. And no, you aren't crazy and it is not about you

Peace,

AJ

[Portia]

Hey B,

Wanted to stop by and see how you are doing.

I haven't got any sage legal or kids advice for you today but I do hope your talk goes well. It is actually a very good DB'ing opportunity, I think. You get the chance to state your case calmly but firmly to H and make it clear what life will be like "single". For some reason I have noticed that MLCers think they are leaving their responsibilities when they leave but surprise! now they have court ordered ones. Let him feel the weight of that.

A little earlier on your thread you said that you wanted H to feel one of these days his mistake but not in a vindictive way. I agree with you. I really believe that they are not "out of the tunnel" until they realize exactly what they have done. I don't see that as wishing for punishment but hoping for some kind of enlightenment.

Maybe in your financial discussions, some of that light will penetrate.

[BRNR]

Thanks Portia-

I am actually nervous for this meeting as I am not sure which face of H I am gonna get, not to mention that him and I haven't been alone in each other's company for about a month.

I believe he is already feeling the "enlightenment" but your right, I have to state my case, calmly but firmly. It will be a hard conversation for both of us, as neither of us can control the other one. I think this will be the first time that H will be getting that from me since this started.

Oh well, here is to hoping for the best.

New thread
www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2335584&#Post2335584

[BRNR]

Oh AJ, I missed your post. Yes exactly...

he is ashamed of what he did and afraid of the consequences. But if he makes it your fault, then it's a totally different world. Kind of like making himself the victim