I haven't been able to make a meeting yet, but I received the book I ordered and started reading it. Right now, it's talking about boundaries and I have a question.
This is a problem from long ago, so I'm not looking for a solution, just a reflection. H's older son used to come over for dinner a couple nights a week as part of his custody schedule. The problem was that I never knew if or when, but H wanted me to hold dinner for him, just in case. There were a couple times we (including S12 who was only about 3 at the time) were eating at 9:00 at night. I found that unacceptable and told H that I wasn't going to hold dinner for older son anymore, unless I knew for certain he was coming over, when he was coming, and only then if that time was a reasonable time for dinner. H had an issue with that, claiming he did the best he could, that his son didn't always tell him or make his commitment, but that he felt it was important for us to eat together as a family. At the time, I struggled with feeling that I was being manipulative or controlling by setting this boundary. Of course, that feeling was exasperated because H told me I was.
To me, presenting boundaries, even in a direct and polite manner, ultimately seems to translate as "it's this or else." In this case, "tell me if and when he's going to be here, or else I'm not holding/eating dinner with you." I believe it's a healthy boundary/expectation, but to me it reeks of control and manipulation. At the same time, I agree that eating together as a family is a good thing, so then I also struggled with guilt, but also guilt about making S12 (then 3) wait to eat until he was supposed to be in bed.
Yet if I simply present it as "this is unacceptable to me so I'm not going to do it anymore," without the "or else," then I feel like I'm being intolerant, unforgiving and uncompromising (also supported by H) because I didn't even offer an alternative (aka. ultimatum.)
I realize I can filter out H's condemning judgments, but if I want a happy M, I feel like it's important to consider his desires/preferences. (eg. sex) If I just blow off his preference because *I* have a boundary or a preference of my own, how can I expect him to ever consider mine? And when we disagree, how do we resolve it? Like with the dinner time? We've done counseling forever, but for something like this, it just seems to be a "tie-breaker" for the specific issue, but doesn't carry forward. I don't want a 3-person M: me, H, and the counselor.
UGH!! Is this just a thin line and everyone struggles with it, or do I have something messed up and it's part of co-dependence or something else?
