update: not sure how it happened, h kinda was stressed a little and i reached out, then it lead to r talk.
Again with the R talk!!!? Good grief! QUIT the pressure already!
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It seems as though he is borderline about us getting back together..
Doesn't seem that way to me, based on what you described of the convo it sounds to me like he's done but trying to be nice to you.
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I said I missed him, and asked if he missed me too
= PRESSURE
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He is afraid of slipping back to our old ways.
He is afraid of YOU slipping back to YOUR old ways. You've got to show him 180's for months and months before he might be convinced he's wrong on this.
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I got a few hugs in.
= PRESSURE
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Told him hugs are a start.
= PRESSURE You're telling him "OK, I'm going to force you to hug me, and now that we've hugged I'm telling you that is the official start of reconciliation."
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He feels awkward, I can tell.
Of course he does, because you're still applying tons of pressure to him. Forcing hugs on him, forcing R talks on him and constantly putting him on the spot. If he didn't have a business with you he probably would have moved to another continent by now!
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He would not allow me to pigeon-hole him into a commitment of trying again
So what you are saying here is that you tried to pigeon-hole him into a commitment of trying again and he blocked your efforts. We've told you over and over again, you CAN'T make him change his mind, yet you keep right on trying!
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I talked about hanging out, vacation (june/july) and fun stuff/laughter, he seemed to be open to this.
Yet another anti-DB move. Do NOT make plans for the future!
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I validated often.
Give specific examples of your validation. The reason I ask is 90% of the time when people think they are validating when they're really doing the opposite.
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What do y'all think?
I think you're destroying what chances you may have. You have simply got to stop the pressure!! You have got to give him time and space! You keep putting yourself right back at the starting line, you haven't even begun to DB! The longer you keep the pressure on the smaller your chances of reconciliation get.
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PATIENCE/TIME/DETACH
You've shown no patience, you've given him no time and space and you are not even remotely detached.
I'm sorry for the direct 2x4's, but nothing else is working with you so maybe a good swift 2x4 to the head will help. STOP what you're doing. STOP the pressure. START giving him time and space. START detaching. START some GAL activities. START DB'ing.
AS is right. you're making excuses for everything you do. you're mindreading, pursuing, ignoring advice from people who have been here much longer than you have.
you must think you're so much smarter than we are and than your H is. no wonder he's afraid you'll go back to the "old ways"; you've never left them. you're only showing him that your main concern is getting what YOU want. that's what you're showing us, too.
do you really want help? do you think we're all wrong and/or mistaken about your sitch because it's so different from what we've been through?
time to drop the arrogance and start to practice some humility, with your friends here and with your H. time for you to surrender.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Tx for the 2x4's everyone. I know it was bad and against DB'ing, but it also feels like I made some headway. Doing nothing feels like I am getting nowhere. Watching paint dry. When I do my r talks, I hear stuff. I like what I heard yesterday, and will hold on to that. I will wait for that list. Meanwhile, back to work only convos & space.
I do notice that I try to control to get what I want to hear... I want to HEAR/SEE these things from him.... I will wait. I am impatient. I get discouraged very easily. I am super stressed.
I feel I would do better db'ing if encouraged more and not beat up by the boards here. As we are learning in DB to focus on the positive behaviours by our spouses, and you are all doing that... but we prefer to give 2X4's to the members. Is this not wrong'ish?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
They are giving you 2x4's because you are not DBing and are not listening to sound advice. They do not want to see you fail and are frustrated that you aren't hearing them when they deliver their advice in other ways.
Tx for the 2x4's everyone. I know it was bad and against DB'ing, but it also feels like I made some headway. Doing nothing feels like I am getting nowhere. Watching paint dry. When I do my r talks, I hear stuff. I like what I heard yesterday, and will hold on to that. I will wait for that list. Meanwhile, back to work only convos & space.
I second Labug. What did you hear that you liked? Remember when he told you he was "working on the r" and you felt good short term...then he didn't back any of that up with action. I have to be honest, I haven't seen you really ever be "work only convos & space". Do you get that DBing is to do these things for MONTHS, not hours or days.
My H tells me how much he loves me and how sexy I am...but he is sleeping with 2 OW. So which of these things is for real?
Originally Posted By: waitingformagiv
I do notice that I try to control to get what I want to hear... I want to HEAR/SEE these things from him.... I will wait. I am impatient. I get discouraged very easily. I am super stressed.
It's good you realize you are impatient. Have you finished reading DB?
Originally Posted By: waitingformagic
I feel I would do better db'ing if encouraged more and not beat up by the boards here. As we are learning in DB to focus on the positive behaviours by our spouses, and you are all doing that... but we prefer to give 2X4's to the members. Is this not wrong'ish?
No one is beating you up, you are spinning & asking questions. We give you answers and you don't like it. We get it!!! We have all been there. But we see you doing damage and NOT DBing. We want you to find peace. We want you to DB. If you can't re-read all your posts and see what we see, then you are self deluding. None of us comes from a place of holier than thou. We have all been there. We are trying to help!!
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Tx again everyone.... the positive's I feel were him saying "if we get back together", "list", him saying "he would like to live with me again", looking hopeful when I suggested a vacation, then his text message last night (small appreciation), him saying actions may happen, but without pressure/expectaions, etc... there were a few.
I feel I am listening to sound advice with the exception of no R talks/temp checks... I really need to keep my mouth shut!
I have been DB'ing GAL (visit with friends, going out on weekends, etc). I have been giving space (except for work requirements). I have taken my claws out of him, way more than I ever thought I could. I haven't asked him about his time (he now volunteers a bit), I do not call/text obsessively (180), ... I do see how this has helped.
I do not think anyone is wrong/mistaken, etc in teaching me how to DB. I just am paranoid of losing him. P A R N O I D!! and I know that some of my old ways (affection/love) used to calm him down & made us intimate. So, I naturally want to do what used to work before. His heart used to melt to my "affection ways".
The latest: He has suggested that due to our business needs that I come over (tonight) and we can work together on our product so that it can be ready sooner. 2 tasking on one product ..... hmmmm so, pass the duct tape so I don't R talk!! I am concerned tho that this will be a way to have time spent "working" more & not "couple time"... does that make sense? I fear our rel'p will turn to work only, and his loniness will be satisfied on the clock! He won't want to hang out on a Friday night, etc....
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
its funny how I can read another's thread and see the points that you all make... and I get it! put the same comments on my thread & I get all screwed up!
I am reposting what just made sense to me:
"is trying to sort out her own thoughts and feelings and doesn't have a real grasp on those for herself. Now you want to throw into the mix your thoughts and feelings - this is pressure, pure and simple"
"This is why it's important to detach!! You cannot worry about this. If you try to be there every time she turns around; try to push discussions of the M; try to be there for her every need - this will most likely achieve one thing. You'll end up pushing her away..."
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
"I am concerned tho that this will be a way to have time spent "working" more & not "couple time"... does that make sense? I fear our rel'p will turn to work only, and his loniness will be satisfied on the clock! He won't want to hang out on a Friday night, etc...."
god you just don't get it do you? Keep pressuring him and see where it gets you.
Go over there tonight and do your business and leave. No hugs, no R talk, no nothing. act as if it were the CEO of another company and you want to get your work done quickly and effectively so you can go out and enjoy life..
"He won't want to hang out on a Friday night, etc...."
this is some real bad anxiety. Is this letting go ^^ Honestly ask yourself that. Is this letting go of your H?
Also GAL isn't just about downing a bottle of wine with neighbors. Go meet new people and start new hobbies so you don't obsess about your H
If you don't listen to us I can assume you don't listen to him and that is annoying
