Your return posts to me make me smile. CeMar, you say simply, 'men just don't do this!'
Chew on this one for two minutes. As hard as you think it is to open up emotionally to your spouse, with no anger and no blame... and believe me, I know how hard that is... it is EQUALLY as hard for your LD spouse to open up to you physcially. So when I say this to you, and you feel your stomache constrict at the effort that is going to take... is exactly the way I feel when confronted with making our sex life better.
I can say to my HD Hubby, "honey, I'm just not that way... I just don't DO that..." and that doesn't make the marriage any better, does it?
Kids, this all takes effort, on everyone's part. We all understand the great paradox between LDs and HDs. CeMar, I don't think you should ever have to become what you once were and not have your wife make any changes. Conversely, you have that 'negotiation' attitude coming into play again... "I'll only do this if I get something in return for it..." and that just isn't honest giving. That's bartering.
Nope, that isn't fair. But I'm wondering if you made this effort, and she began to trust your changes as lasting and permanent and you just aren't trying to 'get' something from her, that she would begin opening up to you, and feeling emotionally close to you, and wanting to express that with you physically.
It's the same thing when you all tell me to keep up those 'small changes' that indicate to my H that I do desire him... you tell me that at first he probably isn't going to trust it, but that if I keep it up, his defensiveness is eventually going to come down.
This is where your own advice comes back to haunt you, hm? Same thing on the emotional side.
Chachi, if your wife is drowning herself in two hours of TV every night, there is a reason for that. She gets to share space with you, yet she is safe because you 'aren't' talking and potentially having a fight. (Because that is how she sees it, right or wrong).
Maybe CeMar's suggestion of just starting with 10 minutes of discussion each night is a way to begin. You must earn back your partner's trust in order for them to understand and acknowledge how deeply you are hurting and that sex for you is so much more than just getting off. Until your LD spouse truly understands that you are REALLY hurting, I'm afraid you aren't going to get anywhere. So I think your mission is, before uping the frequency, you must find a way to break through their fog of misunderstanding... and that is NOT with anger and yelling, and blame.
Chachi, I think I could make all sorts of suggestions to you on how you might proceed, if you think your wife is feeling something similar to me. Just let me know if you want to discuss it further.
