I've always been insecure/fearful of rejection and never being good enough, so it comes out in anger, pushing H away.
Have you read DR? Michele cautions against "more of the same" behavior. What that means is making the same mistakes while trying to save your M that you made in the M. Because if your spouse sees those same mistakes, they are going to say "she'll never change, it's just the same old crap". OK, so look at what I bolded in the above quote. You've spent the M "pushing H away". So what are you doing now?
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Did a 180 on day 6, no contact, I went dark
Pushing H away (by the way, this isn't a 180 for you, it's "more of the same").
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I’m done being in limbo, need to move on
Pushing H away.
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I did not respond.
Pushing H away.
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I’ve been dark since Sunday night. No contact, nothing.
Pushing H away.
So here is my question to you- do you want to save your M? Because your post says to me that you want to end things. Your H is clearly showing signs that he may still want to work on things, yet your response is to shut down on him. This is NOT DB'ing. DB'ing is taking stock of your mistakes in the M and doing the OPPOSITE of those things. Going dark only works if you were the opposite of that in the M, Michele even warns in DR not to go dark if you were cold and distant in the M.
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That's been going on for years. In the past I promised I would change, never have.
Based on your post it sounds like you still haven't.
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What’s my next move?
Decide if you want to save the M or not, because everything you've done so far is geared towards ending it.
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I’m done being a string along. I know it’s only been 12 days but I’m his wife, not some girl he picked up at a bar and isn’t sure if he wants to be with her or not.
You admit in your post that YOU are the reason he left!! YOUR behavior forced him out the door! Now you're saying YOU don't want to be strung along? Seriously? If you want to save the M then this is NOT ABOUT YOU!!!! It is about your H! Ask yourself these questions- How did you wrong him? What are you doing to right those wrongs? How are you making yourself into the spouse only a fool would leave?
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He’s a coward and is bailing
You said you've been angry and pushed H away constantly. He didn't bail, you did. You pushed him right out the door, and now that he's left you're calling him a coward. I think you need to take a good, hard look at yourself before calling him names.
