Losing Hope

[Shiss]

Hi everyone, first post, I'll keep it short and sweet. Looking for some insight/motivation/thoughts. Originally posted to the Separation Section but I wasn’t getting much traffic. My bad.

Married 9 years, together 11, no kids. I've always been insecure/fearful of rejection and never being good enough, so it comes out in anger, pushing H away. That's been going on for years. In the past I promised I would change, never have. Started going to counseling in August when things went downhill, got better, then fear came back starting in Jan, then last week he moved out. New counselor, new outlook on long term positive changes, things are going great.

H left to go live at his parents last Thursday 3/21. First five days I begged, pleaded, cried, etc. Barely a response from H. Did a 180 on day 6, no contact, I went dark. This started Wed. Thursday he texted me "hope your counseling appt goes well." I reply, "Thanks for thinking of me." No contact. Went to bed last night at 10:30, I was asleep when he texted at 11:00 with "Are you up?" I responded when I got up this morning with "Yes." That was it. Calls five hours later, I was very matter of fact and said I am working on myself and am trying to move forward. He then shows up at my house after I texted him after we hung up with, "I'm not going back to work for a bit if you want to talk." He comes over. He's confused, doesn't want a divorce, but "can't touch the burner again with fear of getting burned." I don't blame him. He was emotional, no crying though, he looked so confused and depressed.

No contact all weekend until Easter, when I texted him saying “Hope you had a good Easter. I’m done being in limbo, need to move on.” Texted back saying “You have decided to move on.” I did not respond. Few minutes later calls asks me where I am (I was out for a drive) and said “I’m at the house, we need to chat.” I show up, he either seemed mad I wasn’t home or that I said I was moving on, whatever. Still said he is confused.
What’s my next move?
I’m done being a string along. I know it’s only been 12 days but I’m his wife, not some girl he picked up at a bar and isn’t sure if he wants to be with her or not. He’s a coward and is bailing, and I’m sick of being the string along. I’ve been dark since Sunday night. No contact, nothing.

[Cadet]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...146#Post2334146

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Francis Bacon

Keep Posting but have patience for your posts to show up

[Breakdown]

I’m done being a string along. I know it’s only been 12 days but I’m his wife, not some girl he picked up at a bar and isn’t sure if he wants to be with her or not. He’s a coward and is bailing, and I’m sick of being the string along. I’ve been dark since Sunday night. No contact, nothing.

Whoa there...12 days and he's stringing you along? I think you need to step back and see the big picture here. He's told you multiple times he's confused...doesn't sound like he's bailing quite yet. Give him some space and time...and use that time to do what you said...work on you.

I've always been insecure/fearful of rejection and never being good enough, so it comes out in anger, pushing H away. That's been going on for years. In the past I promised I would change, never have.

So you have issues, said you'd address them, didn't, and now he doesn't trust that you will? Sounds normal to me.

It's going to take some time...some real time....months at least, for not only you to make those changes and make them real, but for him to see them, and accept them as real. There's no short cut.

I don't blame him. He was emotional, no crying though, he looked so confused and depressed.

Ah...some understanding...but now, how about some patience to go with it..

Few minutes later calls asks me where I am (I was out for a drive) and said “I’m at the house, we need to chat.” I show up, he either seemed mad I wasn’t home or that I said I was moving on, whatever. Still said he is confused.

I don't understand why you would lie about where you were...certainly doesn't help build trust.

What’s my next move?

Have you read DR? How about 5LL? 37 Rules (top of the Newcomers section)?

Then, decide what you want to work on....insecurity for sure, but what else?

A lot of what you described sounds like me...and I will tell you, insecurity bleeds into a whole bunch of other negative attributes I did not like in myself.

What did you not like about your role in your M? What were your H's complaints?

With regards to contact with your H, you need to think about how you are projecting yourself. Are you showing him a PMA? Or more negativity and anger? Which do you think is more attractive?

I know it's difficult right now. Hang in there and try to focus on you.

[labug]

He's confused, doesn't want a divorce, but "can't touch the burner again with fear of getting burned."

This is golden, take it and run with it. He wants to love you but he wants you to fix yourself. He's not making this up as you say yourself you have issues that you promised to fix but didn't.

Give him time and space and get busy on creating the new you.
Write some goals.

[AnotherStander]

I've always been insecure/fearful of rejection and never being good enough, so it comes out in anger, pushing H away.

Have you read DR? Michele cautions against "more of the same" behavior. What that means is making the same mistakes while trying to save your M that you made in the M. Because if your spouse sees those same mistakes, they are going to say "she'll never change, it's just the same old crap". OK, so look at what I bolded in the above quote. You've spent the M "pushing H away". So what are you doing now?

Did a 180 on day 6, no contact, I went dark

Pushing H away (by the way, this isn't a 180 for you, it's "more of the same").

I’m done being in limbo, need to move on

Pushing H away.

I did not respond.

Pushing H away.

I’ve been dark since Sunday night. No contact, nothing.

Pushing H away.

So here is my question to you- do you want to save your M? Because your post says to me that you want to end things. Your H is clearly showing signs that he may still want to work on things, yet your response is to shut down on him. This is NOT DB'ing. DB'ing is taking stock of your mistakes in the M and doing the OPPOSITE of those things. Going dark only works if you were the opposite of that in the M, Michele even warns in DR not to go dark if you were cold and distant in the M.

That's been going on for years. In the past I promised I would change, never have.

Based on your post it sounds like you still haven't.

What’s my next move?

Decide if you want to save the M or not, because everything you've done so far is geared towards ending it.

I’m done being a string along. I know it’s only been 12 days but I’m his wife, not some girl he picked up at a bar and isn’t sure if he wants to be with her or not.

You admit in your post that YOU are the reason he left!! YOUR behavior forced him out the door! Now you're saying YOU don't want to be strung along? Seriously? If you want to save the M then this is NOT ABOUT YOU!!!! It is about your H! Ask yourself these questions- How did you wrong him? What are you doing to right those wrongs? How are you making yourself into the spouse only a fool would leave?

He’s a coward and is bailing

You said you've been angry and pushed H away constantly. He didn't bail, you did. You pushed him right out the door, and now that he's left you're calling him a coward. I think you need to take a good, hard look at yourself before calling him names.

[Shiss]

Help! H came over after secretely meeting with my dad and has talked to a lawyer! He said 10 years of this and he is done, please help!!!

[Shiss]

Can this get bumped????

[Shiss]

AS, you are right. I want to save my M. He came over last night, said he talked to a lawyer, also met with my dad earlier that day to let him know. WTH??? Help, do I still have time? What do I do? Contact him with pleasantries and no R talk!?!

[Shiss]

Does anyone have any advice?

[Shiss]

Met with a lawyer today to get my rights, sounds like a horrible process. Wish I wasn't here right now, but hey, things could always change. Looking for hope/encouragement. H isn't communicating with me. He seems so cold and distant. I feel like this isn't the man I married.