we own a biz - pt 4

[adinva]

I just wanted him to know that affection was important to me, and if he wanted to hug, to reach out.

and so you communicated that by...hugging him. First, do you think there's any chance you haven't already communicated to him that affection is important to you, in 25 years? Don't kid yourself; you're not fooling us. You wanted a hug and moved in. Or, on the chance that you sincerely did think he did not know and needed to know that, you are still pushing your needs. This is NOT the time to be all about your needs.

You explained the house thing again, and it's still baloney. Adults do what they want to do. He does not want you to live with him right now. Your acceptance of a very flimsy excuse enables you to deny the reality of your sitch. Accepting the reality of it hurts a lot - so it's easy to see why you would want to deny it - but accepting it and dealing with that reality is THE way to potentially create change.

In fact he might have been stressed because he knows you think he wants to and is trying to move out, and caught him making home improvements to improve his living there, alone. You like to mindread interpretations that make you feel better, but then the reality that you have a good future with this man will exist only in your head. Deal with the real facts that exist and try not to put words in his mouth, so that you can begin to hear what he is trying to say. You might not like what he's trying to say, but you can't wish it away.

You wrote as if you sort of fell naturally into another R talk, but grabbing someones hands and trying to make them sit because you perceive their behavior to be stressed, though they don't want to sit, and then participating in a relationship talk, is you again controlling and behaving exactly the way he seems to be running from. You push your needs on him and don't seem too care AT ALL what his needs are. Not enough to listen and find out what they are. Perhaps his need was for you to let him pace and leave him alone.

The best thing you can do for your relationship is back way off from him and explore how you can become less insecure so you might become a healthy relationship partner, for him or someone else.