I think one of the hardest things for HD men (not typcially HD women, though Honeypot, correct me if I am wrong), is that they have a very difficult time opening up to their spouses and telling them how they really feel. Instead of sharing 'what they are feeling,' they get mad and strike out at the thing that is hurting them -- usually the spouse.
The very thing that you are withholding from your spouse because it makes you feel 'too vulnerable' is the EXACT thing your spouse needs to feel empathy, compassion and love -- what they need to feel close to you.
Were you to ever sit down and tell your wife how you crappy, emotionally vacant, and unloved you feel -- without laying the blame at her feet -- I'm wondering what that would get you. Were you to curl up in a ball and cry on your bed 'because you just can't take the emptiness anymore...' I wonder what the heck she would do.
I wonder what she would do if you told her that you are slowly dying inside, and that the last thing you want is to rip your family apart, but in order to save yourself, you may in fact have to do that one day...
And doing all this without a trace of anger, without an ounce of blame, but just as an outpouring of how you feel...
You may say, "I've done that!!" But have you really? Are you sure? Every time I can remember my H trying to get real or honest with me, he was usually gritting his teeth, or staring holes through me... and what he thought was an honest emotional exchange was nothing more than a lecture to me.
So you say, jeese, Corri, what the heck do you expect from me?
I expect emotional honesty, no blame, no anger, tears if need be, no manipulation, a friend in need... and I need it PASSIONATELY. I need to know that I am THE person you trust enough in this world to be completely and totally honest and vulnerable about the REAL you... the one no one else in this world gets to see -- how you REALLY FEEL about things. THAT makes ME feel special. And trust me, please, that is NOT communicated to me through sex, even though you as an HD man might think it is.
I need humor, and thoughtfulness, I need someone to give to me the way I like to receive, not the way I should like to receive. I need someone to recognize how tired I am, how much I do give on a daily basis, so that when that person comes to me with one more 'want' for the day, I can find it in myself to give it, and give it with PASSION.
I need to feel like I am the coolest, most unique, most special and amazing person my H has ever met... the way I felt when we dated. He got ALL my attention then because that is how I felt when I was with him.
Do I feel that way anymore? Nope. I get a littany of everything I DON'T do, every way I am FAILING him, digs on what I lack (oh sorry, honey, just kidding), lists of what he wishes I WOULD do, or things I USED to do... so now, I feel like a failure, not so special of a person, I'm really tired at the end of the day, and no, I really can't find it in myself to give you want YOU want, at least not with any degree of passion.
I don't need a glass of wine to get in the mood, I need to know how my H feels about something that no one else in the world knows, that he would never, ever share with anyone but me.
I don't need candles and soft music, not really. I need to be able to share my deepest secrets with him and have him be truly and utterly fascinated by the fact that I feel that way... and have him encourage me to share even MORE of how I feel. Or, I need him to see how much I AM hurting inside, or how much I AM feeling fustrated... I don't need sex for that, I need a HUG, and someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay, that I'm doing a great job as a mom and a wife, and I don't need him telling me this as his hand slides down my pants, or around my breast, or squeezing my butt.
I don't need a negotiation, for I see that exactly as it is, a negotiation, a barter. That doesn't make me feel special, it makes me feel used, and all it communicates to me is that you need something, and therefore you are willing to GIVE me something in exchange for it. Not because you think I am so special that you just want to give me something you know I like, with no strings attached, and absolutely no expectation of anything in return.
This could just be all me, and your wife may not feel remotely close to any of this. But if she does, maybe this will help?
