H had to deliver taxes and offered to bring them by tonight. Then he texted in the afternoon and said the class he was teaching finished early & he'd come over & cook dinner for the kids. I said that's great, I'll be gone tonight (divorce group). So he takes d15 to the store to get some supplies for school project & they're gone when I get home from work & before my class. H comes home after going to grocery store for dinner supplies and walks in with a 18 pk of beer. MAJOR trigger for me! It goes back to all my old accusations - why do you need to drink to spend time with your family?
We all talked and planned d15 project and it was upbeat & relaxed. I was only home for about 15 min. Then he cracks open his beer & sits on my couch with a heavy "awwww" sigh. I wanted to hit him! I kept everything VERY PMA and another lady from my group that I give a ride every week rang the doorbell & I said a cheery goodbye to kids & H & left.
Then I seethed.
So here's what I know about H & my reactions - I obviously am way too effected by his actions. Need to continue working on detachment. I used to accuse him of having a drinking problem. His excuse was 'I work hard & want to relax when I get home'. Unfortunately it is in the culture of his career and he is a very large man & can hold a lot of alcohol with little effect. I think there is a dependency there, but I've only seen him totally sh!t faced drunk twice in all the years we were together.
But he absolutely used alcohol to escape our M problems, especially in the final year he lived here. So much so that that was one of his excuses for leaving! That he was going to become an alcoholic or was afraid of driving drunk.
So for him to walk in here with that case of beer, for me, was a huge 'f* you'. And I was upset - but I DID NOT react nor did I show it at all.
Because the opposite side of my reaction was remembering labugs advice to take things at face value only. Which is 1) just because he brings in a case of beer doesn't mean he'll drink it all. 2) He may feel uncomfortable being back in our family home and feels like he needs a crutch. 3) He did just come from work and still had his uniform on, didn't even go to his place to change. Maybe he is worn out & wants to relax.
So I just got home hours later and, to his credit, there are only two cans in the garbage. But I'm realizing that this is a huge trigger for me and I don't know how to deal with it! Or I don't know how to identify the cause of these feelings.
I don't feel he was consciously deliberate in his actions and may not have realized how we would react to his case of beer (both dds had a whispering fit in my ear before I left). And I don't think he was intentionally trying to push my buttons. But I was really shocked that he would be brazen enough to flaunt his 'I haven't changed a lick' status (mindreading, okay).
Don't know where I'm going with this, just had to get it out. It will be a huge stumbling block in any future R with H. I guess I'm having a hard time figuring out which is worse - my attitude towards his drinking or his drinking in general?
