After phone coaching session #2

[labug]

This feels really off to me because, basically, if we have no future together, I really don't think I'll be spending money on him for future holidays. DDs don't have an income besides their allowance, which I pay & isn't much, so it's all on me. Plus, whether dds want to get him a gift for father's day or not is really their decision (let's face it, he's been a sh!t dad this year). On the other hand, I didn't give him a gift for xmas & d17 gave him a wallet, d15 gave nothing. Same for Vday, they gave nothing. And on both occasions H was generous with girls and even me. Gave me cash for xmas for trip girls & I took in December (family trip we previously had planned, before he existed our family. I took girls without him). Gifts in general are low on his LL scale but I'm sure the rejection hurt him. It just seems very presumptuous to suggest gifts that I would have to order and pay for.

This is all about trying to figure out what is really in his mind. Take what he says at face value.

But that's what we would have done in the past... so is this just a slip up on his part of defaulting to past years?

Mindreading

Do I play this game and get him his expensive gift on behalf of dds?

Mindreading, who says it's a game and not an honest attempt to figure out F and M Day

Can I live with it if he ends up filing for D?

If he hasn't talked about filing (sorry I can't remember if he has)this is mindreading.

And there's that phrase again, "could I live with myself?" If you bought him something or more specifically, helped the Ds buy him something and you D, why would you not be able to live with yourself?

[reb9597]

okay labug, I see what you're going.

I thought that by not saying "I know he thinks or feels this..." that I wasn't mindreading. But you're talking about really taking things at basic face value.

That's actually a whole lot easier. Do I want to or can I afford to buy this gift for him? Yes I want to because he would enjoy it and that would make me happy. And I'm pretty sure I'd be able to afford to as well.

This place is so important and I appreciate the input! The easiest things are so obviously missed when thinking it out in my own head. Thank you.

[labug]

This has helped me:

Mind Reading: Making assumptions about other people’s thoughts, feelings and behaviours without checking the evidence.
E.g. John’s talking to Molly so he must like her more than me.
I could tell he thought I was stupid in the interview.
Fortune Telling Error: Anticipating an outcome and assuming your prediction is
an established fact. These negative expectations can be self-fulfilling:
predicting what we would do on the basis of past behaviour may prevent the
possibility of change.
E.g. I’ve always been like this; I’ll never be able to change.
It’s not going to work out so there’s not much point even trying.
This relationship is sure to fail.

[reb9597]

TRIGGER TRIGGER TRIGGER!

H had to deliver taxes and offered to bring them by tonight. Then he texted in the afternoon and said the class he was teaching finished early & he'd come over & cook dinner for the kids. I said that's great, I'll be gone tonight (divorce group). So he takes d15 to the store to get some supplies for school project & they're gone when I get home from work & before my class. H comes home after going to grocery store for dinner supplies and walks in with a 18 pk of beer. MAJOR trigger for me! It goes back to all my old accusations - why do you need to drink to spend time with your family?

We all talked and planned d15 project and it was upbeat & relaxed. I was only home for about 15 min. Then he cracks open his beer & sits on my couch with a heavy "awwww" sigh. I wanted to hit him! I kept everything VERY PMA and another lady from my group that I give a ride every week rang the doorbell & I said a cheery goodbye to kids & H & left.

Then I seethed.

So here's what I know about H & my reactions - I obviously am way too effected by his actions. Need to continue working on detachment. I used to accuse him of having a drinking problem. His excuse was 'I work hard & want to relax when I get home'. Unfortunately it is in the culture of his career and he is a very large man & can hold a lot of alcohol with little effect. I think there is a dependency there, but I've only seen him totally sh!t faced drunk twice in all the years we were together.

But he absolutely used alcohol to escape our M problems, especially in the final year he lived here. So much so that that was one of his excuses for leaving! That he was going to become an alcoholic or was afraid of driving drunk.

So for him to walk in here with that case of beer, for me, was a huge 'f* you'. And I was upset - but I DID NOT react nor did I show it at all.

Because the opposite side of my reaction was remembering labugs advice to take things at face value only. Which is 1) just because he brings in a case of beer doesn't mean he'll drink it all. 2) He may feel uncomfortable being back in our family home and feels like he needs a crutch. 3) He did just come from work and still had his uniform on, didn't even go to his place to change. Maybe he is worn out & wants to relax.

So I just got home hours later and, to his credit, there are only two cans in the garbage. But I'm realizing that this is a huge trigger for me and I don't know how to deal with it! Or I don't know how to identify the cause of these feelings.

I don't feel he was consciously deliberate in his actions and may not have realized how we would react to his case of beer (both dds had a whispering fit in my ear before I left). And I don't think he was intentionally trying to push my buttons. But I was really shocked that he would be brazen enough to flaunt his 'I haven't changed a lick' status (mindreading, okay).

Don't know where I'm going with this, just had to get it out. It will be a huge stumbling block in any future R with H. I guess I'm having a hard time figuring out which is worse - my attitude towards his drinking or his drinking in general?

[labug]

AlAnon, go to AlAnon.

You handled that well. The trigger-response-defense happens so quickly that it's difficult to slow down. But you did. And always remember, unless your house is on fire, no decisions need to be made in the midst of an emotional storm. Take your time, breathe and think. Have you identified the feelings you have when that response starts? That can help you recognize it early.

If he has a drinking problem, it's his problem and even more reason for you to detach. If his drinking is a problem for you, then it's a problem for you. Even more reason to detach and go to AlAnon.

If you don't want him drinking in your house, you can let him know your boundary.

[reb9597]

Thanks labug. I'm really feeling alone on my island lately. I appreciate your support so much.

I woke up super down today. It feels like - what have I been working for? what have I been hoping for? because I know I don't want THAT. That same R with H I had before... I feel so let down all over again. And I can recognize that my feelings are unreasonable for what actually transpired last night. And that makes me feel like a failure.

I'm going to look into al anon meetings. H apparently deactivated his fb account. That's kind of triggering me today. Last night and even him deactivating fb and him spending time w/ girls - everything is really making me feel like I have no control over anything. And I've worked to understand that is true (which is huge in my world), but feeling the loss of control instead of just comprehending it are two different things.

I need a reset button on my brain because my root feelings over the past day are hurt and rejection. And that, in me, brings up a panic response. Well I guess it's progress to be able to identify what's going on in my head. Now just how to live with it...

[labug]

I know, me too. But it's a feeling and feelings pass. You are not your feelings.

Go to AlAnon, try 6 different meetings. Have no preconceived notions about what it will be or who will be there. Beginner's mind.

[reb9597]

I didn't hear from H yesterday or today. Unlike our previous few weeks of daily nothing texts, which he always initiated except once.

I don't know if I should reach out today? Would that be pursuing? Or would it be a 180 since I've been standing back? I know I'll see him tomorrow for d17 bday party so I kind of want to reach out so things won't be awkward tomorrow.

I also found out that OW has been done for a few weeks. As much as I wanted this to be the case, I'm not hopeful at all & it feels terrible. It was easier to think of him being wrapped up in OW & not wanting to work on M, as opposed to just being rejected. I'm really lacking faith lately! Don't know what happened or where it went.

The reality is that we still have nearly 2 weeks for C appt, I have lots of time to show changes & PMA (gotta find it first).

Should I text him or leave it alone?

[makingmagic]

based on my experience.. leave it alone. (I have backslid way too many times). Let him worry about the awkwardness of tomorrow. (just my .02)

Good luck tomorrow at D's bday party.

[reb9597]

Thanks wfm. I caught up on your sitch and was surprised that you had to db so hard still if he was willing to consider working on r. Seems like an uphill battle.