Would you suggest something else? We are currently separated and have little contact. Maybe that's partially my fault since I've been doing LRT. He states that he feels no love for me anymore. We were high school sweethearts and married at 21. We were pregnant with our first child before we had out first anniversary.
Me: 33 H:33 M: 11 yrs S: 3/8/13 H came home: 3/10/13 S for second time: 3/16/13
H and I are separated as well, but LRT would be the technique I would use to save myself, but not necessarily my marriage in my case. Would you be willing to write a background of you marriage, how you guys resolved conflict, if you did at all, power struggles, problems etc?
A fuller picture may help you see where you can improve yourself. A common saying is become the woman only a fool would leave. It requires you to change many behaviours, take a good hard look at yourself and realize that this may take much longer than you ever thought (6 month mark for me and I am a baby compared to some).
In my case, I have always been the strong one in marriage, very controlling. My 180, even though we are separated has been to cede control of everyone except myself and to admit that weakness is okay. I did that by admitting I was wrong and that I loved H, even though he is with another woman right now. But those are my 180s and not yours.
If you post a little more background, maybe you can figure out a plan
Hi separated313, I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. It is difficult to speculate on what went wrong and the best way to go forward. If you haven't made an appointment with one of Michele's coaches, I highly suggest it. They are experts in helping you get clarity on what got you to this point and how to stay strong and on track going forward. The support and direction you get will be invaluable in dealing with your situation. Please call me if you have any questions.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
We were engaged at 18, married at 21. Got pregnant with our first son 6 months later. We lost him to a lung malformation at 20 weeks. We had another son at age 23. Our daughter was born when we were 26/27. Our daughter was conceived after I found that my H had a PA two years earlier. I was insanely clingy and demanding after I found out. Ever since then, when we would have some sort of conflict, I would basically give in instead of creating more issues.
In high school, I feel like I was more decisive. I went after what I wanted and wouldn't stop working until I got it. After losing my first son, I had a hard time making even the littlest decisions. I would always defer the answers to my H. As we got more comfortable in our relationship, he did most of the daily chores. He cooked, he handled the kids. I realize now that I took him for granted and didn't share the responsibilities equally.
I was in charge of the finances and I also worked full time. I've been battling anxiety and depression in regards to my job, I didn't feel like doing much after putting in a full day. I was very controlling over everything. It was fear of being hurt again. Look where it's gotten me now. I'm hurt even more so then when I found out about the PA.
Me: 33 H:33 M: 11 yrs S: 3/8/13 H came home: 3/10/13 S for second time: 3/16/13
Did you two address the PA? Why did it happen? How did you ensure it wouldn't happen again? Did you truly forgive him? Has he forgiven himself? Are you sure there's not an OW now?
It sounds like you have a number of things you can start working on:
- anger - controlling - insecure - taking H for granted - anxiety/depression
I don't know if we really ever completely worked through the PA. We talked about it for a short period of time, but then he wouldn't want to talk about it. I kept getting responses like "I don't know what you're talking about"
I think it happened because after the loss of our first son, we put so much time and energy into our second son. We really lost track of each other. I can say that now, but I didn't realize it until about 6 months ago.
In order to ensure that it didn't happen again, we started commuting to work together. He would email me when he got to work and when he was leaving.
I don't know if I ever really truly forgave him. I thought I had, but looking back, I'm not so sure.
As for forgiving himself, I don't really know. We never really talked about it.
He claims that there is not an OW. However, I have my suspicions. I can't decide if that's because I never really forgave his previous PA or if his actions lead me to believe there's an OW
Me: 33 H:33 M: 11 yrs S: 3/8/13 H came home: 3/10/13 S for second time: 3/16/13
I think coming to terms regarding the original A is important. Figuring out why, having transparency, rebuilding trust, and forgiving...all necessary to moving forward. At this point, he may not be willing to participate, but a lot of this you can work on yourself.
My W had an EA about 6-7 years ago. I was distraught and she had a lot of guilt...we discussed the hurt, and decided to push forward. But we didn't do any of the things I mentioned above...so fast forward a few years, and it happened again. If anything, I think my additional lack of trust in her pushed her away and towards someone else faster than before.
How about that list I posted? What do you want to work on for you?
All of them sound like good ideas. Right now, I'm in counseling to help me learn to deal with the emotions around him leaving. But how many times can I discuss the roller coaster he has me on?
Me: 33 H:33 M: 11 yrs S: 3/8/13 H came home: 3/10/13 S for second time: 3/16/13
Your key statement is "the roller coaster HE has YOU on".
How do you get off? Definitely read DB if you haven't and you need to begin to focus on you. Start getting out and doing things, even if it feels forced. Many people have mantras, mine is "His choices are his and the only person I control is myself". Believe it or not, it works to clear my mind and calm things down inside.
I also advocate any kind of physical activity. Not only do they boost endorphins, but I run until things that I thought were important, aren't. Those thoughts that remain after a hard run are those that require more thought
BD mentioned that perhaps you hadn't fully worked through or forgiven H for PA. It will affect whatever you are doing now or will do in the future if you do not come to terms with all the feelings you have. This is a good place to start
