Val, It would be easy to say it is just too hard and quit. It would be easy to ignore and hide, to say “I can’t”.
That is not you.
That is not any of the people that have stuck this out, examined self and grown.
Growth isn’t hard, growth will come naturally. Creating the environment for growth is hard. Facing yourself deep down is frightening and that is something we all have to do creating the environment for growth.
Just a few quotes about Bravery:
It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends. J. K. Rowling
If we take the generally accepted definition of bravery as a quality which knows no fear, I have never seen a brave man. All men are frightened. The more intelligent they are, the more they are frightened. George S. Patton
Bravery is the capacity to perform properly even when scared half to death. Omar N. Bradley
The opposite of bravery is not cowardice but conformity. Robert Anthony
And for perseverance I have always liked Theodore Roosevelt’s speech about the man in the arena.
(((((Val)))))
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Sorry, my mistake! I recalled the situation so clearly but not who was in it, apparently.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
My heart swings on a pendulum between my intellect and my emotions. I have allowed it to do so for the past week. I have waited patiently hearing the concerns and fears of the voices on each side. Listening in the the hopes that I would be left in the middle somewhere with a solid gameplan on who I wanted to be and what I wanted to say (should God allow the opportunity).
Intellectually - I know who I am and that I have changed. I took all the negatives x gave and turned my life around. I see the blessing of living a positive life. I see the benefits of acting out of love and kindess when others argue just anger. I know the leaps and bounds one can take when met with grace and compassion vs. self righteousness. And that relationships are about encouraging people to grow, instead of controlling/manipulating a situation so growth happens.
I know that I am forever changed. I know the change is for ME and me alone.
But my emotions are like a child. Hurt and Angry - they only care to express themselves with the hope and expectations that the party doing the hurting would not only acknowledge the pain caused, but take action to ensure it doesn't happen again.
A child communicates his emotions in the rawest of forms. There is never any doubt when he is happy or angry. You can read everything in his eyes.. and when he says his heart is broken - you know it to be the purest of truths.
I cannot hide my heart. For as I chose to live with it open to others, I also chose to expose the scars on it. The scars tell a story. A story of extreme pain and deep feelings of abandonment.....
.... but they also tell a story of self-discovery and joy.
For ME, There is not one without the other.
I do not know how to keep the happiness in my life, without being thankful about the fire of he!! I went through to get there.
But I do not know how to have tea with the woman who set the fire. I do not know how to communicate with the woman who is the catalyst for this all.
I do not know how to create peace between the side that wants to hug her vs. the side that wants to punch her (metaphorically of course)
Which side will win that day? I constantly pray for my intellect... and hope I can silence the child in me once more.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
The gameplan is simple. Show my best self and create a safe environment to speak in. I have a few topics I will discuss and a few I won't. I will bury my pain for an hour to listen and validate.
Whatever it will be - I will do my best to make a good experience. I will attempt to guard my heart without shutting it off.
So 1pm tomorrow it is. Time to put my game face on... <--- that's it btw.
P.S. Being 30 sukks. In 6 months I have broken a finger, almost broke my nose, strained my back, and receive my first black eye....
... I blame my age - but it could very well be my GAL activities
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I do not know how to keep the happiness in my life, without being thankful about the fire of he!! I went through to get there.
But I do not know how to have tea with the woman who set the fire. I do not know how to communicate with the woman who is the catalyst for this all.
Perhaps being you and being open to the conversation would help, as you suggested? I'm all for that. In my experience, we have nothing without relationships. Good ones, bad ones, and ones that light a fire under us, even when we don't like it. But as a child of God, relationships are what we are and what we strive for. Regardless of the outcome of the conversation, you sound like you get it. Like you understand the bigger picture and that although you hurt, so does the other side of the relationship.
We're all just kids anyway, right? We all have emotions and we all don't always show them very gracefully. That's what reconciling ourselves to our brothers and sisters is all about in my humble opinion. Never the easy road, but always the right one
Good luck with the game face and hope to hear about the black eye. Sounds interesting...
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
<--- that's it btw.