Been almost 2 weeks since I posted so figure I'd update a little, yes it's another book.
Happy 6 month anniversary to me!!! 6 months ago my W BD'd and filed on me (yep, same day). I knew things weren't great but stupid me thought we were finally getting on the right track and I didn't pick up on any warning signs that she didn't feel the same way. I spent this morning reflecting on where I was and where I am now and what a ride it's been. Have to say no matter what happens with my M I'm glad I went through this for me. I'm in such a better place now than I've ever been and I can clearly see where I want to get to.
It wasn't easy to get to where I'm at now and I know I still have a long ways to go to get to where I want to be. A few weeks after BD, when I was asking the why questions, doing everything wrong with W, starting to look at myself and the person I had become I got to the lowest point anyone can get to. I never imagined that a Christian man who is big into the men's ministry at church, a person with enough 'close' friends that I didn't feel alone, a man who loved his W and kids more than anything would ever consider suicide (yes I said it) but I had hit rock bottom. It makes me sick even thinking about that morning as I write this but that's where I had let myself get to.
Thankfully something hit me and I realized what I was considering. I pulled myself out of it and decided it was time to own all my $hit and make the changes I needed. I manned up. I read like crazy and started looking at myself and started making some progress. Then a couple people on these boards (one in particular) took me under their wing and the journey really began. Started asking me the real hard questions that I never wanted asked and I dug deep to answer them. The layers started peeling away, I still have plenty to uncover about myself but the big ones were now out there and the scabs were pulled off. We discussed my fears and how they drove my actions, my abandonment issues and impacts on my actions and thoughts, my feelings of obligation, my control issues and even bigger my fear of being controlling, trust, forgiveness, honesty, guilt, feelings of superiority, my judgemental attitude, codependency, all of it... With those out there other topics started being discussed to help define who I wanted to be. I had to answer things like what is love, what it means to be a father and what legacy I was leaving, what it means to be a husband, a friend, what are love languages and mars/venus stuff, what does loyalty and obligation really mean to me, what do my vows mean, understanding I need to feel my feelings and not be the macho guy and bury them, what validation and empathy are and why they're so important, what does it mean to cherish and respect someone, etc...).
I still have my up and down days regarding my M sitch but I don't try to fight my feelings, I just let them happen and don't let them control my actions. I still sometimes question my strategies with how I'm handling my sitch. I question why I still have trust issues and where my boundaries really are for many things in life. I have to say though, I have way more up days than down ones and the choices and decisions I'm making are in line with who I really want to be. I'm also (finally) letting my W go and figure out her own stuff and trying not to fix her anymore. Figure I have enough to fix on me that I have no time, or right, to try and fix anyone else... I'm also done beating myself up for my past wrongs and I'm done letting my W use our past against me. I own what I did but I've learned from those mistakes and also understand it wasn't all me.
My relationship with my kids, while always good in the 'fun' father/ kid relationship has taken on a whole new level. I am the rock they need, they are talking with me very candidly, I am passing on lesson's and wisdom when I can. With that a new level of trust has grown and we are closer now then ever and I'm honestly enjoying every single minute and it's obvious to everyone around us. No more of the 'obligation' feelings of the past. I'm also happy to say I've never said or implied anything to them negatively about their mom through this process.
Overall, yeah this process $ucks the big one and I feel for every single person that has to go through it. I know I have some very tough times still ahead of me but I wouldn't change a thing. I'm proud of who I've become and who I'm becoming, I'm proud of how I've stood, I'm proud of the father I am, and I now know who I am and where my happiness needs to come from.
So - since this is a marriage site I might as well update the thread on my sitch. This will hopefully for you be shorter then above. Overall W and I are treading along towards D. We have mediation on 4/25 and court on 5/28. I don't instigate talks much anymore but with that she has started them much more and I'm not avoiding those. I've become a good listener and I validate much better and try to understand her feelings. I'm still not perfect and every talk I think of something I could have done a little better but I'm way better than I was before. She seems a lot more comfortable and is talking a lot as of late, especially about things that were never discussed before (her work, things her friends/ family have done, etc...).
We've only had one real R talk in last couple weeks, well it was actually 4 talks spread out through one day with her initiating each one. Our hot button is still issues regarding kids but the talks went well with me staying very even keel throughout and trying to understand her side while still discussing my thoughts when appropriate. At one point, in response to a question, I discussed things I would see in a new M and things I would expect differently from me. She was thinking a lot and I could sense some doubt entering into her mind. She told me she has started seeing an IC again and said that we may talk in future... I honestly have no expectations of ever even having this next talk but I know she knows exactly where I stand so her move and I'm ok if she doesn't make one and we continue with the process. I won't lie to you though, this talk did get in my head a little for a few days. Not with excitement or new hope but whether R is really what I even want anymore. Questioning whether I think she could fulfill my needs. I've also realized this week that I no longer have my W on the pedestal I've placed her on for much of the last 6 months. This is a good feeling to have, our resident wordsmith explains it much better than I can:
Originally Posted By: Accuracy
Just as the WAS is in a fog, the LBS is in a fog too. You want the situation resolved immediately and at too high of a personal cost because you are also in a fog. You know what? The WAS that left really wasn't that great. Can you get perspective on that? The marriage only feels like it was such a great thing because you can't have it. Your spouse is on a pedestal only because they are out of reach. If there was a pill that would give you perspective on that quickly, we'd all be DB pros, but it's something you come to only with time unfortunately.
So, 6 months later I really have no idea where my M is headed and I can honestly say I'm ok with whichever direction it goes. I'm better now then I've ever been in my life and I'm looking forward to the next 6 months and beyond. Thank you so much for all your support!!!
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
I am glad to read your update. You sound really well :-)
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
