DBing, European style

[Papa4Life]

I haven't talked about my kids too much on this thread, but a development today compels me to address the issue directly.

S10 has had some trouble with bullies in the past. We dealt with the issue together with his teachers, we talked to the parents of two boys who are actually good friends of his (and who were aghast to find out that their sons had been peer pressured into participating). We also enrolled him in a course that helped raise his self-confidence and be more assertive. Last year, another situation arose and we dealt with it again head-on.

Several weeks ago, he started to exhibit some of the same patterns as when he was dealing with the bullies: he was quick to anger, cried and ran to his room when I tried to ask if everything was okay, and so on. So, I employed some of the active listening techniques I actually started studying to deal with my sitch with my W, and yup, he confirmed that he was having trouble with a boy at school. So, I met with his teacher and the issue was addressed. We're planning to havehim participate in another course, but one we've heard people rave about. He agreed.

But last week, the same sorts of angry outbursts started occurring, so we sensed that the problem hadn't been resolved. So, I made a second appointment with the teacher and she was surprised that things hadn't improved. As we spoke, she mentioned that S had stated to her that he "felt happy at school, but was angry at home." Then, today, S was complaining that D9 "always gets her way". I again used active listening, and S then stated that he has "mean parents". I said, "i'm sorry you feel that we're mean. We never meant to be mean to you. Can you give me some examples of when you felt we were mean to you?" He responded, "you're not mean to me. You're mean to each other."

Now, he was not around when the heated exchange occurred (but has not and will not recur), so I can only guess that he senses the distance between his mom and dad right now, and of course the SBRs are a pretty clear giveaway that something's up. I told him, as we've told them before, that parents sometimes need some space, but we both love him very much. I spoke to my W later and told her what S had said and reiterated that I think the kids have a right to have every happy day they can get before the rug is pulled out from underneath them. W agreed, saying that "we know it's going to happen, just not when," so why make him worry when that day will finally come. I agreed with her, all the while praying that that day will never come.

It's interesting: I've been noticing other changes in them as well. S10 and D9 have been squabbling more lately, and I've had several talks with them about talking out their disagreements and respecting each other. Also, S has been hugging his mom a lot more. Conversely, my R with my daughter has probably never been better, while D9 has actually been more distant towards my W. in the past, D9 has always had a closer R with my W. Not that she and i couldn't get along, far from it. It's just that I've come to realize that the way to my D's heart is through a closed mouth and two wide-open ears so that she can just gush. I jthink that my W's standoffishness and aloofness towards me might be spilling over to them. What's interesting is that I think my DB techniques have helped enormously in my R with my kids, though less so with my W.

I have to be honest: I do have a lot of anger towards my W about what she is doing and the devastating impact it is sure to have on the kids. My parents split on my 2nd birthday, and it has had repercussions that still reverberate for me today. I am SO sad at the prospect of what we might put them through. Just wish W could open her eyes and realize that. She has this dream that we'll sell our house and find two smaller houses within walking distance of each other and everything will be great. If only she knew what it really means to be a single parent. Sorry, gotta go get a tissue...