Alright. Here's the answers I've come up with from Mach 1's homework:
What does love mean to me?
Love means to me having the warm feeling inside knowing that someone is missing me when I'm gone and will be there when I return. Love is whether I'm a winner or a loser, I still get hugs and kind words. Love is being able to look into each other's eyes and not having to say a word to feel that we care for one another.
What does a good M look like?
The couple appears to adore and respect each other; they do activities that continue to bond them; speak each other's LL; care for each other enough to encourage separate activities every once in a while; share and experience what makes each other different, don't avoid it; support one another's desires, goals and dreams.
Career vs. M or R and why?
Because I have a fear of not being able to provide for my family after retirement.
Where does W rank in priority?
I know now that W played 2nd fiddle to job. This is wrong in so many ways that I cannot believe I didn't see it. A wise man told me (when it was probably too late) that "when you leave the military, who will be left? YOUR FAMILY! The military will find someone else to fill your spot."
How can I avoid letting W down again?
Figure out her LL and go with that and really apply myself. I really need to express to her that she is cherished and I'm grateful that she considered holding on. Doing the "small things" daily and being creative with them. Never stop the sweet nothings and more hugs (non-sexual) more often. I don't ever want her to feel the hurt she endured over the years. I want to love her and love her well.
Goals for my change: -180 from being judgemental/superior -180 from being a "problem solver" -Listen... really listen to her(even if I have to stop what I'm doing) -Validate feelings more often -Provide for quality time -Involve W in career aspirations (she has a vote) -More fun OUT of the house
A lot of these responses were difficult to come up with. I really used the time to think on these. But this is the start I need before I can move forward. Thanks M1!
Goals for my change: -180 from being judgemental/superior -180 from being a "problem solver" -Listen... really listen to her(even if I have to stop what I'm doing) -Validate feelings more often -Provide for quality time -Involve W in career aspirations (she has a vote) -More fun OUT of the house
So what is your plan to get there ????
And let me work through one with you....
Judgmental behavior...
Why are you like that ?
Why was I like that....???
Mach was an asshat, he sat back and watched his spouse do all of the little things that were supposed to be included in the partnership. And while sitting back, he criticized, and was judgmental towards her with everything that she did, whilst very seldom lifting a finger to actually help. He used his words as a sword, instead of listening more. He felt misunderstood, and while feeling that, he acted on his emotions , rather than his rational brain.
He felt that by simply providing for the family, that his spouse should simply bow down to him, and do as he wished, whenever he wished. And that with providing, he was doing enough , and the little things (her feelings) were unimportant.
He felt that by controlling her, he could have her only see things his way, because he needed to feel superior in order to bolster his self esteem. He needed her to do things his way, so that she could prove that she loved him.
Mach got smarter after the bomb date, and started listening more, and realizing that marriage meant, walking beside each other, not one in front of the other. He realized that people had their own choices, and that she wasn't living just for him, she wanted to live for herself, beside him, not behind him.
He learned that his fears were driving his actions, and that letting go of those fears, scared him more than the actual fears did.
So Mach dug deep, and killed those fears, and identified those triggers that caused that behavior. He Googled "controlling behaviors" , and read about co-dependency, abandonment, learned about the love languages, how he received love, AND how he showed love. He took his lumps, with some of the best DBers beating him over the head, without the privilege of moderation.
Mach had to do a lot of stupid schidt, in order to learn the right way to do things.
So in his new relationship, Mach listens, and he yearns to validate rather than educate. He uses his words seldom, and his ears more. He learned to stand up to his fears, and lives without fear. He accepts his wrongs , and owns his feelings, rather than his feelings owning him.
Rather than argue to prove himself correct, he listens, so as he may learn another way. He strives to learn from his mistakes, so that they were not made in vain. He became a man that makes better decisions in life, and relationships.
So what does RS have to do ????
Originally Posted By: RS
A lot of these responses were difficult to come up with. I really used the time to think on these.
I'm sure there is a quirky saying somewhere about "No pain, no gain"
I know one thing. if this all turns around for the better, I would gladly scrap possessions and career plans just so we can be a family together again.
Why wait until then, to be the change that you want in your life ???
SOMEONE has to start being different in this relationship...
Who is it gonna be ???
You are the one here, not her...
Don't wait for her, to do what is right....
Nor should you wait for her, to define how YOU want to act...
Oh...
And "WHEN", not "IF" this works out....
When you think in negatives, you receive results in the negative..
thanks for sharing mach, your posts always give me hope for myself and a kick in the pants to get there.
Glad that I can help in some small way Grace....
You help a lot of us Mach....thank you
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
