Goals for my change: -180 from being judgemental/superior -180 from being a "problem solver" -Listen... really listen to her(even if I have to stop what I'm doing) -Validate feelings more often -Provide for quality time -Involve W in career aspirations (she has a vote) -More fun OUT of the house
So what is your plan to get there ????
And let me work through one with you....
Judgmental behavior...
Why are you like that ?
Why was I like that....???
Mach was an asshat, he sat back and watched his spouse do all of the little things that were supposed to be included in the partnership. And while sitting back, he criticized, and was judgmental towards her with everything that she did, whilst very seldom lifting a finger to actually help. He used his words as a sword, instead of listening more. He felt misunderstood, and while feeling that, he acted on his emotions , rather than his rational brain.
He felt that by simply providing for the family, that his spouse should simply bow down to him, and do as he wished, whenever he wished. And that with providing, he was doing enough , and the little things (her feelings) were unimportant.
He felt that by controlling her, he could have her only see things his way, because he needed to feel superior in order to bolster his self esteem. He needed her to do things his way, so that she could prove that she loved him.
Mach got smarter after the bomb date, and started listening more, and realizing that marriage meant, walking beside each other, not one in front of the other. He realized that people had their own choices, and that she wasn't living just for him, she wanted to live for herself, beside him, not behind him.
He learned that his fears were driving his actions, and that letting go of those fears, scared him more than the actual fears did.
So Mach dug deep, and killed those fears, and identified those triggers that caused that behavior. He Googled "controlling behaviors" , and read about co-dependency, abandonment, learned about the love languages, how he received love, AND how he showed love. He took his lumps, with some of the best DBers beating him over the head, without the privilege of moderation.
Mach had to do a lot of stupid schidt, in order to learn the right way to do things.
So in his new relationship, Mach listens, and he yearns to validate rather than educate. He uses his words seldom, and his ears more. He learned to stand up to his fears, and lives without fear. He accepts his wrongs , and owns his feelings, rather than his feelings owning him.
Rather than argue to prove himself correct, he listens, so as he may learn another way. He strives to learn from his mistakes, so that they were not made in vain. He became a man that makes better decisions in life, and relationships.
So what does RS have to do ????
Originally Posted By: RS
A lot of these responses were difficult to come up with. I really used the time to think on these.
I'm sure there is a quirky saying somewhere about "No pain, no gain"
