Another dollar in my one-man show

[25yearsmlc]

Thank you for your input, but let me finish my analysis before drawing conclusions too fast.
So, I realised I needed to counter this spiral.

1) Why would a normal, reasonable person want to D or separate if the spouse was blameless? Rather than viewing me without fault, I should strive to understand what lead W to assume the worse of me. Recognising my fault is the first step.

Yes.

2) No matter what the facts are, what matters is perception. Because it will create the interpretation, the emotions and the action.

I think you may be overlooking empathy & an actual change--and Event. The description you gave earlier, of how in your view, your continued sports were fine and in HER view they were not, isn't merely a matter of perception.

You overlooked a dramatic life event in HER life. For her, there was an experience that created HUGE dramatic changes, (ie a baby) but you seem to think the changes in life (perception??) ONLY belonged to her.

Meaning, you seem to think, rather conveniently, that having a child would only change HER life, not yours, (until if and when you felt interested enough in the new person you brought into the world, to make time for him.)

So there is more than perception here.^^^ There were factual EVENTS that changed her life AND yours but you chose to pretend they were all "her perceptions" when in fact your perception was not reality based...and then, she forced some changes on you by removing herself and the boy from your life.

3) As convenient as my three stories are, they are biased at best.

they are completely biased and mostly more of the same...I mean, I knew you were going somewhere with it, so I didn't comment before, but heck yes, they were biased.


Looking honestly at them, they are only pretexts. I am not a poor victim. W is not a evil genius, and i'm not helpless.

correct.

4) In order for us to resume dialogue, not only must I stop trying to systematically shoot down her arguments, but I must welcome her feedback with gratefulness even when it doesn't please my ears.

Yes you do have to seek out and welcome her feedback, and you can be sure it usually won't please your ears. But you have to co-parent now. For NOW I would not seek out dialogue for a lot longer. She's not interested in your feedback OR in dialogue right now so one huge thing for you to deal with is that reality.

5) We've let the situation degenerate, and we're now focused on secondary stuff such as keeping a straight face, showing we were the right one, hurting the other, etc.. and in order to go back to the essential, words won't be enough.

That's where it becomes tricky. Now that I've had a change of heart,

why do you say you've had a change of heart? I'm sincerely asking. Whenever you try to "own" some mistakes of yours, you almost immediately use the word "we" to make sure she gets her share of blame b/c God forbid the scales you use tip in her favor.

When you stop that measuring, and just work on YOU and stay in your sandbox, staying OUT of hers, it'll be a milestone in progress...

Seems as if you are saying things we've already said...

and so I'm asking now, what is actually new in YOU?


for W to see it, it'all have to be through patience, showing interest in my S, responding gently, apologising, not using statement sentences but asking for her opinion, being thankful when she shares her point of view.

Maybe, and I understand it's maybe, some "camaraderie" will build with W and dialogue will resume.

...yes, maybe...


If it doesn't, the years with my son won't be lost, he passed from being one of the many things I had to take care of and manage into being the centrer of my attention and care.

^^^which is a blessing no matter what happens, correct?

And which, even if successful in bringing about an actual reconciliation, is likely to take over a YEAR...

and if not successful- is still a blessing, as is her ability to move forward, and yours...

showing him, someday, a healthy m.

Please feel free now to comment. I'm all ears, as I'm learning to welcome feedback and consider it as a precious gift for change in me.
Have a great Sunday.

Feedback is a gift Bruce. Putting it in military terms, I see it as "intelligence needed for mission success".

If the mission is becoming the best man you can be, which often starts with increasing self awareness, then feedback/intel is mandatory for any mission to succeed.

My suggestion for you is to come up with 3 SPECIFIC behavioral changes you'll make to show change in you, knowing that at first they may feel counter intuitive and damn uncomfortable. These are not changes to get a change in HER but a change in you, period. Understand?

I suggest you not focus on things you "won't do", so much as things you WILL do...

Good luck.

[Big Bruce]

Hi,
I've been thinking and what has been asked id's hard to do.
I don't have three things to do on top of what I already said.
Seek feedback and welcome it with gratefulness, is already a big step.
Seeing W differently in another big switch of attitude. Not looking for dialogue is a big thing for me. but I know that seeking contact is counter productive. reconciliation is not on my mind anymore for the moment but taking care of my son is number 1. I have him overnight every other friday and I am so tired, the sweet bugger woke up at 5h45.
I brought him back im I miss him so much.

Lack of ideas on what more to do, if you have suggestions I'm as usual all ears and I thank you in advance for all your help.
Bruce

[25yearsmlc]

Bruce

if you are spending more time with your son & having him overnight, and being TIRED a lot, it sounds as if you are getting to know him.

Let that sink in and be enough for now.

Take him out for breakfast if you have the energy... rent some animated shows, preferably that teach, but some are just fun and not "dangerous" and on Saturday mornings when the coffee hasn't kicked in, it can be a nice 20 minute transition time.

Did you get a book on having a 2 or 3 year old? They're all over book stores...

take some of the advice...and good luck

[25yearsmlc]

Hi,
I've been thinking and what has been asked id's hard to do.
I don't have three things to do on top of what I already said.

most of what you said is very generic. e.g., like "welcome feedback" and "get Dialogue"...

try to be specific.

Specificity is more credible and It gives you clarity and is easier to measure.

Seek feedback and welcome it with gratefulness, is already a big step.


(SIGH) really?

Bruce, I mean no offense by this question, but have you had many long term relationships before?

See, seeking and welcoming feedback from our spouse (or friends for that matter, or family members)
is what most people do in relationships, from the start


Seeing W differently in another big switch of attitude.


apparently so, but it's long overdue. It created a lot of the problems that got you here even if you don't see that.

AND Given that is how I see it, you may realize that could be her view too...


Not looking for dialogue is a big thing for me. but I know that seeking contact is counter productive.

Yes if it is counter productive for now....So just - BE HERE - and absorb some changes and let them sink in.

For your son it's probably a bit exciting and chaotic, and maybe traumatic.. Give him time. Give your wife time b/c I bet it's very scary and painful for her to have him gone all those times and to know he's with you and in her mind, you are not a source of safety or comfort to him...

I worry that since you are very slow to make any changes in you, but yet you ask for more suggestions and you say you are "as usual all ears" to them. I am not sure you've taken many of our ideas of much of our advice anyhow...

But so little real change takes place in you and what does occur is such a minimal "given" to us--

*** I'm not sure you realize that the Goal right now is

CREATING STABILITY, in a time of change for your son & getting to know him and letting him get to know and feel comfortable around You...those are the goals for now...period.

TIl your wife gets used to the idea that you actually want TIME with your son, even without her, she'll be suspicious of you and your motives.

And only time and consistent change on your end, will change that^^.


reconciliation is not on my mind anymore for the moment but taking care of my son is number 1.

great to hear

I have him overnight every other friday and I am so tired, the sweet bugger woke up at 5h45.

yes well, those mornings after a LESS than full night sleep are tough.

So think hard about how this...

think about how it would be if you had him every other full weekend AND half the weekdays...b/c that's 50% custody Before you see this as a competition, be careful what you wish for...


I brought him back im I miss him so much.


^^ can you translate that? You brought him where?

Lack of ideas on what more to do, if you have suggestions I'm as usual all ears and I thank you in advance for all your help.
Bruce

"ideas of what more to do"...meaning? More to do With your son?

Get the book and it'll give you a ton of suggestions for activities with him.

Did you get one? I mentioned it months ago and again a few weeks ago.

OR did you mean more ideas about your wife? B/c no I have no more ideas atm and don't think one ought to.

You just have to stand still for a bit and let her see you in this light.

You are a man getting to know his son. She did NOT see you that way before and probably still doesn't.

So Bruce, for now, show her a man who is NOT expecting or demanding or asking for anything more than that for now. Do Not maneuver for more...(which is what you are asking about when you say "open to more ideas", even though you just said you are Not trying to reconcile atm)

that^^^my friend, is more cognitive dissonance...which is when I realize you don't seem to know yourself well.

But as you father your son more, you will learn a lot about who you are and hopefully you'll become the best man you can be.

THat's the one upside to this ordeal.

Just learn to be his dad for now.

[2chiquitos]

I have a daughter that will turn 2 in July and a son that will turn 5 in June. You're tired? from one overnight every other weekend? ok....

5:45am-10am Diaper change, dress, breakfast, clean up, brush teeth.
10am - 12pm NAP TIME or QUIET TIME!!!

If nap time doesn't exist for him because I understand there are kids who would rather spend every waking moment absorbing everything they see... You provide playtime that is quiet. Old cell phone, dolls/stuffed animals, toys with sound (chicco brand or fisher price, etc), books, laundry basket full of clothes, etc.

12-2 Lunch time (prep lunch, eat, clean up) **mealtime (and bathtime) is a great opportunity to teach them words!

2-4 active playtime. park, indoor playground, mall, walk, kick/throw the ball, bubbles, shaving cream/ whipped cream (let him get messy!)

4-7 Prep dinner, eat, clean up, brush teeth, bathtime, story, bedtime.

This is my day, just about everyday for the past (almost 5yrs).

[25yearsmlc]

2

I was going to go there, but then It was going to be a really LONG note...b/c I get too wordy.

So I suggested a book on it. But your post is spot on.

I do recall once praying, out loud, for "3 hours of sleep in a row" and meaning it like nothing I'd ever said before. Sounded so modest, but it was a GOAL I really craved.

So Bruce, maybe this experience gives you a TINY insight into what life might have been like for your wife,

every night, 7 nights a week, for a year,

as you slept and went to work, came home & left her to the child care (some more)

and made sure to have your "only 2" nights out with the guys too...b/c hey, you worked hard in the Day...(not like her)

and these moments are your chance to wake up.

Or say "no thanks"...

and it's really all up to you.

[2chiquitos]

I'm hijacking here...
I went to Hs work and when they asked at the front desk who I was, I said, "I'm the nanny"

Cuz basically, that's what I see myself as, overqualified childcare!! I have the credentials to have a group of 30kids and get paid a lot more than I do now but I decided to stay at home and raise my kids.

Hope this gives you a little insight Bruce.

[Big Bruce]

hello all,
Thanks for your replies, I appreciate it a lot. In order to be more specific I want to say that my welcoming feedback translate into nice the words of appreciation or "trying to take her point of view into consideration" everytime my wife writes an e-mail. For example I would say things such as:oh you have a point here, or thanks for bringing that to my attention, they are little things but it denotes a change of attitude. Because I solely concentrate on my S there is no doubt that's my switch is to become a better father and not to catch my wife back.
that's where my second change comes into play: not pursuing wife anymore.
True, without knowing I was asking what else I could do in order to impress my wife but I understand now that I have to let this situation be still for the moment and let it sink on her for at least another month or 2 or more maybe?
Thank you for the great activity plan for kids, it's comforting knowing that it's a normal process, same for everybody.
As for my past relationships I was master in dating and having a girlfriend but my longest relationship only lasted for so long. Never been good at keeping the flame alive it seems.
So I have my game plan for now I wish you all a good week bye for now, bruce

[25yearsmlc]

hello all,
Thanks for your replies, I appreciate it a lot. In order to be more specific I want to say that my welcoming feedback translate into nice the words of appreciation or "trying to take her point of view into consideration" everytime my wife writes an e-mail. For example I would say things such as:oh you have a point here, or thanks for bringing that to my attention, they are little things but it denotes a change of attitude.

yes I can see that. And it's small consistent comments with actions consistent with those comments, that will, over time, show change.


Because I solely concentrate on my S there is no doubt that's my switch is to become a better father and not to catch my wife back.

well I would not project onto her what she thinks or ever say "there is no doubt" about what someone else thinks.

All you can do is consistently show new different behavior. I'd think it would take a lot of time before she begins to believe that you are Not pursuing her or that you do Not have an agenda, other than solely concentrating on your son. I think it'll take Much longer than you anticipate...

that's where my second change comes into play: not pursuing wife anymore.
True, without knowing I was asking what else I could do in order to impress my wife but I understand now that I have to let this situation be still for the moment and let it sink on her for at least another month or 2 or more maybe?

SIGH...maybe you're kidding..(are you??)

In my opinion, your new behavior of just being a good DAD to little Bruce and getting to know him, and having that impact your wife's opinion in a meaningful way, will take a minimum of 90 days and MORE LIKELY take a good six months, or more.

Don't underestimate, again, the damage done, and the negative views she has of you and how you were with him.

I don't want to harp on this but geez, you forget way too fast how UNavailable you were to her or him or for how long...

So it's going to take double or triple what you expect.

I mean, it's every OTHER Friday night you get him, right? So how would a few of those nights change how she sees you, vis a vis him?
Hey, you now have him, what 2 nights a month? Or 4?

And you think a few more of those nights, will reverse what she thinks & how she sees you, and all the diapers you never changed and the times you did not get up for him but she did, and how little you knew of him til recently...?

Bruce, let me be clear. It's NOT that she's holding a grudge.

It's that you are unrealistic about what you have to reverse & you are wildly unrealistic and impatient about how much you must overcome...

don't talk yourself out of it "b/c it's too hard!"...It's not that hard! This is still less than what you should have been doing all along.

Get real, get adult like, about the time line for you to show change...

YOU CAN DO THIS!

Thank you for the great activity plan for kids, it's comforting knowing that it's a normal process, same for everybody.
As for my past relationships I was master in dating and having a girlfriend but my longest relationship only lasted for so long. Never been good at keeping the flame alive it seems.

then maybe you can think about what it takes to keep the flame going, that you were not giving, and change that...



So I have my game plan for now I wish you all a good week bye for now, bruce

Stay the course. Let the changes be revealed. Then, IN TIME, let them be believed in. (Which means do not contradict the changes with inconsistent behaviors or comments.)

Stay on message, stay the course, be the new you...

[theUF]

. Because I solely concentrate on my S there is no doubt that's my switch is to become a better father and not to catch my wife back.

Good, keep focusing on S.
He should be the most important person in your life, and you should be one of the most important persons in his, IF you are willing to step up.
Let me tell you Bruce, although my father had visitation he was very uninvolved in my life. We now have a really good R and we can sit and just talk hours upon hours, but still, that father/son relationship is lost forever. Wether I understand his actions or not, won't change that.

True, without knowing I was asking what else I could do in order to impress my wife but I understand now that I have to let this situation be still for the moment and let it sink on her for at least another month or 2 or more maybe?

Forget another month or two. It will take time, a lot of time.
Avoid having expectations(month or 2), or it will just bring you down when they are not fullfilled.
I just commented on my thread about how my X is still upset b/c she believes me being a better father is an act. I decided from day 1(BD) I would become a better father. Still, 6months+ later she still thinks it's an act.

If you know this change is real then give it time, it doesn't matter what she thinks right here and now. Keep it consistent.