well it is sent...we will see the outcome...left it for him yesterday...
Weirdly normal interaction yesterday...he even got the mail and offered to take the trash for me to the dump..I told him he did not need to but if he wanted to I would appreciate it...
He followed me as I left keeping the conversation going, bringin S to me to say goodbye when last weekend he could not be within 3 feet of me yesterday he brushed up against me as he had S say goodbye for the fourth/fifth time...
Pursuit/distance stuff [censored]...as for today I am going to the house in a hour to get S to bring him to my parents...we will see how the interaction goes...
Hate having to second guess interactions I am having with some one that has been in my life so long...
well I wanted to have a good interation yesterday...had the best intentions but when I arrived at the house...H's truck was not there...this is the first time it has not been there at the determined time...
Well four thoughts went through my head, did I pass him on the road, maybe they are at the store, maybe he left a note....and oh my did he take our S! Well of course in the state of constant Anxiety I am in the last thought took over...I think it took me about 5 sec to get to the door and unlock it and then Saw H and S there, H was putting S's shoes on....
I about collapsed and asked where his truck was...in the garage...H has never parked in the garage and on my side of it...never!
I almost lost it, went upstairs and locked myself in the bathroom to lose it...
When I came down, I then began the discussion to which H could not believe I thought that he might have taken our S, I basically had to try to explain the reaction and thoughts that I had that I did not even know existed on some deep level. I told H when I am in reality I do not believe he would do that as he had S all weekend and could have taken him at anytime...but maybe based on the doubts I have on whether I really do know this man...based on him telling me 6 weeks ago he wanted a divorce...never thought that would happen either...that there is a doubt deep inside I did not know was there...also I think panic at the level of being a parent.
H said he could see 'a little' how I thought that way but was obvious and deeply hurt. I told him that I knew if he had thought I might have had that fear he would have pulled the truck out...he was hurt that I thought he was that kind of man.
Of course I see it as another nail in the coffin for me...it ruined the rest of my day...could not watch S find eggs, could not sing happy birthday to newphew....I tried not to let it...man did I try but it did.
I really feel that H is going to file for D this week...if ever there was a time for him to file it would be after the interation last weekend and yesterday.
Low point today...need support...
The note that I left for H this past weekend apologizing, I saw it on the laptop at our house, looks unopened...I have not been back to the house yet, stayed at parents.
Your emotions took over. Look at this for what it is, you had a thought based on your emotions. The thought wasn't true. Use that as a building block for the next time you feel your emotions getting the upper hand. Just because you think something doesn't make if fact.
Like this: "I really feel that H is going to file for D this week...if ever there was a time for him to file it would be after the interation last weekend and yesterday."
It's a thought based in emotion. You don't know what he'll do. One thing you do know, worrying about it won't change anything.
Learning to recognize when your emotions take over and taking a time out keeps us from engaging in conversations we're not ready to have. Is this a pattern for you?
How can you change this?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Well this am I have been thinking about just calling him and telling him we need to determine if this is a divorce or a separation...limbo land is killing me...I feel I am not a good mother, my anxiety is very high and I can not focus on anything else at this time...
Every bit of my being is telling me to just call him and say I love you, don't want a divorce but I also need to put my sanity ahead of my marriage right now...we need to determine one way or another...
Ahhh....have not done it yet....amd yes this is a pattern I guess I never knew how much my emotions take over...but look at any interaction I have had with H so far...they take over...no matter how I want it to go or what I try to picture the outcome being...my frustration, hurt, pain, saddness, resentment and anger take over...
Don't call him, again that's you emotional response. He knows those things.
How do you define limboland?
Living with the unknown is a part of life, we never really know what's coming. Discomfort with the unknown and controlling things is tied to your anxiety. Anxiety often leads to depression. Do you see an IC? Can you? There are many ways to deal with anxiety, support forums are good for support but for treatment you need to seek other help.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Ahhh....have not done it yet....amd yes this is a pattern I guess I never knew how much my emotions take over...but look at any interaction I have had with H so far...they take over...no matter how I want it to go or what I try to picture the outcome being...my frustration, hurt, pain, saddness, resentment and anger take over...
If you are having trouble controlling your emotions around him, then you need to detach a bit more. Find a way to do this...
Me 33, H 34 T 15 (on and off, 7 years this stretch) M 4 DD 3 OW July 2010, IDLY - Oct 2010
1st sep 28/5/11-14/8/11 (my idea) OW confirmed 25/11/11 (H travelled with OW 26/11/11) I moved out 3/12/11
Time and space. Give him time and space and use it yourself. Believe me, I never thought I'd be still in 'limboland' 9 months later but things look a lot different now than they did even 9 weeks ago.
Have you read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie? It will help you learn how to control your reactions. Reactions have and always will be a really big issue for me and it sounds like to you too. But at least you'll be able to recognize the reaction and eventually learn to control it. And that takes time!
Just check out for awhile and regroup. No contact or pursuing. If you make no contact will it make your situation better or worse? Maybe better because it could give H some breathing room & help him start to forget any embarrassing behavior on your part. But definitely worse because you'd be pushing him away and exibiting all the pressure that he can't deal with right now. Someone here told me early on to not remind him of why he left (prob 25 or labug).
Be strong and start working on controlling your reactions.
I have decided that most likely I will have someone other than me do the exchanges for a while...it is getting to hard for me to detach...I need sometime and space...I always have the best intentions on visits but they just don't go to well sometimes...
So most likely will be presenting to H who he might be open to being there to watch S before and after H's visits instead of me.
Also might be a little time before I post here again...seems there is concerns with some one viewing my things...I will be reading things...just not posting for the time being...
I just read & copy/pasted this from one of 25's posts on another thread -
II. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.
Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals. We can not control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.
If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I can not control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."
^^ THIS is the ultimate goal. I had one of those days yesterday where I'm up to get a text from H, then down when he changes plans - CAN'T let it effect me so much! We'll practice detachment together.
But I don't think you need to pull back so much to avoid seeing him at S exchanges. Maybe if it'd be easier for you, but it sounds like it may be sending a hostile message to H. Just be up, PMA, hand off S with a big smile on your face, tell them to have a great time - then retreat and cry if you need to. It will get easier! Hang in there!
