Based on my reaction yesterday, it is obvious that I haven't changed much, yet. You were right, Bond.
I have been trying for the last few years to change everything. I have been driving myself to fix everything in me that has led our M to the state that it is in. And I don't know if anything in me has changed.
My kids seem to think that I am a good dad. They really like me, and show me genuine affection, and they look forward to my coming home in the evening. So I'm not all bad.
But in adult relationships I seem to be fairly inept. I even fail to control my temper online, when I actually have to take time to think about and type what I want to say. It's no wonder W doesn't feel safe around me when we are face to face.
I feel insecure about everything right now - I'm so protective of anything I feel I've done right, because I feel like I need to hang onto those things...I've screwed up so much, and that is constantly in my face, that I cling to the little bits of headway that I have made.
I guess I am kind of losing hope. One thing I know for sure is that I need some kind of adult contact apart from W, because it is clear that this relationship will not feed me emotionally right now. I have to live and thrive emotionally without W, because if we are to be together again, that will surely be a precondition, and (more likely) otherwise I am on my own emotionally from now on.
So, if people would be so charitable as to ignore my earlier, "Mr. Hyde" post, I would like to interact a little bit.
Think about it...if you met a potential mate who was nothing but a bundle of needs, would YOU be attracted to them?
