Interpersonal Communication & Get Assertive. I found it helpful in many ways. One, I learned some new skills. Two, I had another thing in my life to look forward to/feel content about when I surely needed it, and three, it was fun.
There is class interaction in the discussion area, where it's like a forum where you can start and post to threads.
Last edited by dbmod; 03/26/1302:40 AM. Reason: External links not allowed
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Things I have been doing for me: Working out and more importantly eating a healthy and balanced diet. After 3 months I feel great, and look a lot healthier. The trickle down benefit is that my son is also eating well. Dropped the drinking. Honestly wasn't indulging that much but when I did it wasn't helping my emotional state. Investing a lot more energy into my son's learning. We just started a Spanish class together. I figure at his age he can get fluent then help me keep learning. Reading things that I enjoy, like poetry. Have also gone to some readings which I haven't done in forever. Also have been looking into a weekend type self-improvement group? I am planning on attending that in may. Thanks for the link to the online classes FY. Definitely will check it out. Have mostly been reading books on being a better communicator but classes will be very helpful. Other than that I have been staying a lot more connected with my family. Which has been so much more rewarding than staying angry or depressed.
Me-36 W-31 M-7 S-5 BD Dec/12- things were wrong for awhile, head was in the sand
Seeking means: to have a goal Finding means: to be free, to be receptive, to have no goal
Posting some random thoughts and feelings for today. Getting everything packed is going a little slow. W hasn't been participating at all. She has been pulling her usual routine of go to work, stay out/somewhere else and only come home briefly to change clothes. Our lease ends in six days and she just barely applied for a new place. Well actually I had to take in the app for her. Here is the thing: Not interested in being vindictive but also don't feel like packing up for her while she *@#*# off the entire week. At this point in time I already do all the house work, have been the one homeschooling our son and really am not interested in helping move her stuff. At the same time S is almost here and I don't have to worry about her not helping anymore. Don't want to start a useless fight, but don't want to be a door mat either.
On a positive note S and I had an awesome day together. Monday has been our day for awhile and it was great. Played and laughed all day, listened to music together and baked bread in the evening. Enjoying my time with my boy.
Me-36 W-31 M-7 S-5 BD Dec/12- things were wrong for awhile, head was in the sand
Seeking means: to have a goal Finding means: to be free, to be receptive, to have no goal
My situation is similar in someways. Just wanted to say that the time and effort you are making with your son cannot be underestimated. In what is a very hard time for them you are being selfless and giving them your time and love. Be very proud of that, your son will never forget these moments and seeing you happy and "in the moment" gives him stability and makes him feel supported. I have only rediscovered this gift that we can give our children and I amazed how rewarding it has been. Kids just want our time, our love and they want to know that we are here for them. They hate seeing us sad as much as we hate being sad.
Well done and keep up the good work.
Me - 37 W - 37 M -5 T - 15
S=5 S=3
Seperated - 12/12 BD - 20/03/13 Still seperated - no R or M talk yet.
Some thoughts from the last day or so: I am starting to understand more the love is a choice concept. Right now I am really feeling numb toward my W. With all the distance and coldness from her I basically feel nothing some days except the choice I have made to work on myself to keep this family together. Not sure if this is normal or if I am distancing myself in a negative way, but there it is. When we interact I am friendly and I listen but don't ask for anything. Then we go our separate ways like friendly neighbors.
On a positive note the renewed focus on my son has been so rewarding. I should have been doing this all along. He is fun to be with, so much energy and an amazing imagination!
Posting a few 180 behaviors that I feel need focus. 1. Consult W on important decisions especially in regards to S. Actually listen to her opinion and make a compromise. 2. Continued focus on anger management. Primarily when W starts to push my buttons. Being watchful of the triggers. 3. Ongoing listening and validating during conversations with W. But also a stronger focus on using that during normal conversation with other people so I build consistent habits.
Me-36 W-31 M-7 S-5 BD Dec/12- things were wrong for awhile, head was in the sand
Seeking means: to have a goal Finding means: to be free, to be receptive, to have no goal
On a positive note the renewed focus on my son has been so rewarding. I should have been doing this all along. He is fun to be with, so much energy and an amazing imagination!
Posting a few 180 behaviors that I feel need focus. 1. Consult W on important decisions especially in regards to S. Actually listen to her opinion and make a compromise. 2. Continued focus on anger management. Primarily when W starts to push my buttons. Being watchful of the triggers. 3. Ongoing listening and validating during conversations with W. But also a stronger focus on using that during normal conversation with other people so I build consistent habits.
Nice list of 180's.
On one hand, our W's total rejection of us is one heck of a crappy way to wake us up. On the other hand, we should have never allowed it to come to this.
Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
I took two online communication classes [*]
Which were through "Ed2go", which you can't post a link to without being put on moderation. Who knew?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Was carrying a lot of retaliatory anger about W applying for her apt. so close to our move out day. I had started to hope she didn't get it so I could justify my selfish anger and superiority about me handling my own stuff. This feelings were suffocating me so I spent a lot of time last night thinking about how I had hurt my wife on the past with poor behavior. A real departure for me as my typical response would have been to let it fester. Once the mental pathway of empathy was opened the anxiety went away. This morning I was actually able to just listen and not react to what she said. Even though some of it was hurtful.
I like this place, going to focus on staying here emotionally. Also she got the place she really wanted which is a huge relief. W and S will be happy there.
Me-36 W-31 M-7 S-5 BD Dec/12- things were wrong for awhile, head was in the sand
Seeking means: to have a goal Finding means: to be free, to be receptive, to have no goal
Posting a few 180 behaviors that I feel need focus. 1. Consult W on important decisions especially in regards to S. Actually listen to her opinion and make a compromise. 2. Continued focus on anger management. Primarily when interactions with W set me off. Being watchful of the triggers. 3. Ongoing listening and validating during conversations with W. But also a stronger focus on using that during normal conversation with other people so I build consistent habits.
Adjusted my number 2 180 as it read like W is trying to make me angry. I feel better just being responsible for my feelings and actions.
F.Y. thanks again for the online class info. I have checked out a couple of their classes on communication and it looks great. Price is reasonable as well. Sorry you were put on moderation! I plan on signing up for a class after I do this EE thing I am registering for in may.
Me-36 W-31 M-7 S-5 BD Dec/12- things were wrong for awhile, head was in the sand
Seeking means: to have a goal Finding means: to be free, to be receptive, to have no goal
Finished the moving, in my own place now. Move was exhausting but happy to be away from the battleground that our home had become. W is staying at my place for a couple days until her new place is ready. Had to tell her that she could only stay with me if she didn't go out and drink all night as this behavior from her has been too stressful and hurtful on me and S. She was a bit defensive about it but I kept the approach from a calm standpoint of mine and S's needs and she followed through with it last night. W is going out of town for the week for work so I get the whole week who my boy. Going to have some fun with the Muppet!
Other than that I feel much lighter with only being responsible for me and S. I feel like my focus will be improved now. I was definitely struggling to stay on task while living with W. Detachment will be easier being separated. I have been doing well with our interactions but the inner emotional drain was huge.
More to come as I figure out the next step.
Me-36 W-31 M-7 S-5 BD Dec/12- things were wrong for awhile, head was in the sand
Seeking means: to have a goal Finding means: to be free, to be receptive, to have no goal
Thinking a lot about the whole detachment process lately. Reading other people's threads and reflecting on my progress (and sometimes lack thereof). I am feeling a sort of struggle amidst all this. I know that my R needs the distance but while a part ofme still loves my W, it sometimes seems like I love the idea of my W not so much the actual person. At least not the person she is right now. Filled with bitter anger and spite, and often turning that toward me. I know that I have a huge responsibility for where my life and M is. But some days I feel more like it is drifting away rather than detaching lovingly. How do you combat the ambivalence of constant pain and negligence from your spouse? I am committed to my M but want some kind of human contact that isn't just from my parents or male friends.
Me-36 W-31 M-7 S-5 BD Dec/12- things were wrong for awhile, head was in the sand
Seeking means: to have a goal Finding means: to be free, to be receptive, to have no goal
