I'm sorry if this thread is starting as a rant and a vent. But this weekend has been at times fun, happy and as a family pretty perfect. But at the same time its been upsetting and frustrating.
I am trying to detach and was doing well, but I keep getting pulled back in by W, and the fun we are having together.
Slow down. As others have pointed out, this is a marathon, not a sprint.
Figure out who you are and who you want to be, then BE that person.
Don't fuel her fire. She may be rushing to D because she knows she may not have the same resolve as she has right now, so don't give her any reasons to feel good about her decision. Be somebody only a fool would leave.
You are an emotional rock. Nothing she says or does affects you.
Have no expectations. Hope is fine, but don't let it turn into expectations. (It happens easily.)
Act honorably. Love her. Don't panic. Don't give up.
Live in a way that allows you to lay your head down at night and sleep at peace with yourself. After all, the only person you HAVE to live with your whole life is YOU.
Here's a list I keep in my wallet:
∙ Do not pursue ∙ Give her SPACE ∙ Do not talk about R unless she brings up and let her drive the conversation ∙ Act "as if" ∙ Be cheerful, strong, confident, outgoing and attractive at all times! ∙ She is in the castle, you are on the picnic blanket ∙ NEVER lose your cool ∙ Do not respond emotionally to anything ∙ Do not argue with her feelings ∙ Look her in the eyes and LISTEN ∙ Just be yourself ∙ NEVER give up ∙ Stay grounded - her happiness may not be a good sign for R ∙ Be there for her no matter what ∙ Patient Endurance ∙ Be an honorable man ∙ A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits. ∙ Being needy is not attractive ∙ Welcome her openness; be guarded with yours ∙ ALWAYS have HOPE; NEVER have EXPECTATIONS ∙ You can only control YOUR actions ∙ The more she dislikes you, the easier her decision to leave is ∙ Do not temperature check the R ∙ Be a man only a fool would leave ∙ Regain her respect ∙ Build attraction ∙ Fulfill her emotional needs (when given the opportunity) ∙ Detaching is not withdrawing ∙ Tears may come from guilt and not true love ∙ Do not fuel her fire ∙ Dealt some lousy cards? Play them well! ∙ Keep the road paved home smooth ∙ Validate her feelings ∙ Happiness comes from within ∙ Anger is your enemy ∙ Made a mistake? Move on ∙ Show that your interested in her, but don't need her 1. Envision positive outcomes 2. Act as if you expect miracles to occur 3. Be kind, even if you think your spouse doesn't deserve it 4. Focus on small, positive changes 5. Promise yourself this will be a great year, no matter what 6. Exercise your worry away 7. Do one new thing you enjoy 8. Make sure you have quality time with your children. Be present. 9. If you get off track, get back on quickly without self-blame 10. Do activities that help you rediscover serenity
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
My apologies for the bullet list. It looked fine in preview mode, but didn't show up correctly in the actual thread.
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
I understand what youre going through, you can read whoa hole story on my thread. I Had the same long weekend experiences and it's a killer. I have a very rough time at night and in the mornings. I am the LBH in our home. It's tough. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, take care of yourself, and don't pursue her! This is what I keep telling myself everyday...
Hi ChrisN
Yep just read through your story and pretty much a carbon copy of mine. I often wondered what it really meant when people described it as a roller coaster ride. I've found out now! And this week has been quite a scary part of the ride, but feeling much more positive today. In fact I came home earlier quite chirpy and W questioned why I was so happy. Which in fact made me even happier as it made me realise that being happy and cheerful does get W's attention much more than being quiet and straight faced. Maybe not even a full baby step, but its progress all the same!
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
