Carry On

[labug]

It's been a difficult week and it's only Tues. Actually my week started on Fri and it was a busy weekend. I've not been taking care of me as I should and allowed myself to become overcommitted. That needs to stop because I've been on an emotional roller coaster.

A lot of my past stuff keeps bubbling to the surface this week but that happens when defenses are down. It also has a connection to the confrontation I had with H Sat before last.

I learned lousy, ugly skills about how to treat people in my family. I stuffed all that happened to me into a box and put a big heavy rock on it and hid it away somewhere inside me. But it was always there, weighing me down, holding me back. I was unhappy for a long time but just didn't know why. I tried all sorts of addictions, near addictions to make me happy, none of them worked. It wasn't until a few years ago that I really opened that box (I had peeked in over the years), let out the secrets and people told me that what happened was not OK. It wasn't my fault.

But it was my responsibility to work on me and make changes. And I have done that but unfortunately I had drug that heavy box of garbage into my new family. Not the physical stuff because I promised myself I would never do that and I kept to that, but the emotional stuff that can be just as damaging, if not more so. It was directed mostly at my H so I have a very clear understanding of why he left and why he most likely won't come back. I could quantify and say, I've heard much worse in other couples but I crossed his line. That's the important piece.

It hurts to know that things that were set in motion when I was a young child,, that I had no control over have brought me to this place all these years later.

But I took up the challenge to fix myself and I've made great strides. In many ways I'm so much better than I've ever been but it took a lot of heartache to get here.

Children aren't property nor are they put on the earth to reflect their parents. Detach lovingly.

I'm gaining empathy but I'm not to forgiveness just yet.