Not confused, still emotional, getting very angry

[BRNR]

Happy Easter everyone.

So first Easter without H, well, not exactly. He came over to spend time with the boys. We dyed eggs, had an Easter egg hunt, and watched the movie Hop. H participated in everything and even helped me hide eggs. He didn't stay for dinner, which is cooking now, but overall it was a positive day. I even got a text from h that he had a really good time. Guess he better soak them up before he moves on with his life.

As a side note, H and I had one on one moments to talk and he never brought up anything regarding the email, talking about the "future" or anything. I purposely gave him opportunities to do so, even brought up future topics, but nothing. But I guess it is not as pressing as it was last week.

[BRNR]

Good morning everyone!

Just a little journaling-
The email that H sent me last week still has me rocked. I haven't made H aware of any of this, but that is the reality. In a million years, I never thought I would be here in this sitch, and I have been thinking a lot about how I felt about cheaters and WAS before my own bomb drop. I always told myself that if my H did that to me, I would drop him. H knows this, and always said he felt the same way (pre-alien).

I have been wondering if I am doing myself a dis-service and not being true to myself by not filing for the divorce myself.
I also see this as a catch twenty two, because in my sitch, there is nothing left but for my H to do but file for divorce, and I have finally realized that maybe, just maybe, he is still holding onto me because he does love me. Maybe?!?! Maybe this is my hope that what we had for fifteen years was real to him in some form or fashion.

So here I am, still with no answers. Still no set goal in place wether I want my marriage to be saved or not.

Do I feel stronger than I did in October, yes. Do I feel stronger than I did when he moved out in December, yes. But the act of nothing happening forward is killing me inside. I guess maybe I need closure, and I guess I just with my morals and standards in place, I can't get that without the divorce.

I have also had some thoughts on Success stories of reconciliations. It seems to me if the H's are already gone, living outside of the marital home and constraints, that they don't seem to return. How can they, the contact is so minimal if not at all, that could they just forget about us LBS's completely and start fresh on their own?

Anyway, I am contemplating the next step on this email I was sent by H. On one hand, I think he should take the initiative to go further with it, but then I remember that I have my suspicions that he is back with OW, and that this may have been for her benefit as she may be pushing him to do "something". Part of me thinks if this is true, why should I give any of them the satisfaction of the closure. Just like I have to acheive my own happiness, I feel my H needs to do this, but without my interference or doing all the leg work.

So, those are my thoughts for the day. Wheww! I had a lot more to say than I thought.

[job]

Once again you are waffling...this tells me that you do not know what you want. When in doubt do absolutely nothing. Sit quietly, the answers will come. When you give it up to God, he will reveal the answers to you when he is ready. However, when you give it up and then snatch it back again, nothing will happen.

Trust me when I say this, w/mlc, divorce will not give you closure. I know...many of us who travel the mlc path and then divorced do not find closure the way that you would if your spouse died a natural death. Your marriage did not die a natural death and there will be many questions that you will never get the answers to. You learn to accept what ou can't change and carry on.

Do not "assume" anything when it comes to your spouse. He may or may not be w/that particular ow. He could be hiding n his rabbit hole, sitting and staring at 4 walls. He could be out w/the guys or working...we, the lbs, tend to "assume" and some of the time, those assumptions are incorrect.

You are a fixer and want to fix this situation and you can't. Just because you do not see anything happening doesn't mean that it isn't. You have to put your faith and trust in God and allow him to do his work.

Please keep in mind that you are only seeing a small number of the population who have spouses still at home and reconciling. You can't base what you see here as the true number of reconcilations. Many who divorce leave the board and don't return if they reconcile. Why? It's a lot of hard work when it comes to reconcilation.

I also want to point out that there is no guarantee that those living at home will reconcile and go on w/happy lives. It all will depend upon how both the mlcer and lbs handle the final stages of the reconcilation and if they are successful in creating a "new" marriage and not revert back to old ways in the old marriage.

My question to you is this...do you love this man? If so, then give him the time and space to figure himself out. You don't want him home the way he is right now. You have two children and if he were to return home in the shape he is in, you will have a third child and this one, you will not be able to control. Take a look at those who have mlcers at home and see just how much patience they have. Every day is a new hill to climb w/the mlcers. Every day, they have to dig deeper for patience and count to 100 to save themselves from booting them out. It's not fun and your mental, emotional and physical state will be under a lot of stress. Trust me, a mlcer at home is a lot of work and a whole lot more patience is needed when dealing w/them. My hat is tipped to those who can deal w/an mlcer at home. I had my xh at home for 7 months once he went full blown and I was very glad when I booted him out. The stress, the unknown, the lies, and the nasty/crazy behavior was enough for me to say enough.

Keep the focus on you and your childen. Until you are absolutely certain about what you want to do, then do nothing.

[whitneypinch]

I second the notion of "sit quietly and do nothing"
For the first time in 5 years since the bomb I have backed away and sat quietly.
Its amazing how much my XW has contacted me. She has said she is sorry, she has bent over backwards to try to do nice things for me and shown her appreciation of me as a father and a person.
Now, she has done all that while opening admitting she is in a serious relationship.

So, we all eventually get to the point where we start dropping the rope. As it has been highlighted on this form many times, that is when our X's tend to take notice.

My heart goes out to you BRBR.

[reachingHigher]

I have also had some thoughts on Success stories of reconciliations. It seems to me if the H's are already gone, living outside of the marital home and constraints, that they don't seem to return.

Good morning!

I couldn't help but chime in when I saw this. My H hasn't moved back in yet, but we are in the process
of reconciliation. Idk if I have the strength to have had him at home where I wouldn't have had my own privacy to hide my grief.

I agreed to him moving out b/c I thought that if it was me begging to go, I would've wanted him to treat me the same way.

BRNR, I know how hard it is. Really! But listen to what snodderly has to say. If you really still love your H, just wait. He is growing and that can't be rushed. I just couldn't let the comment go that they never come back home. I'm still hoping mine does.

rH

[BRNR]

However, when you give it up and then snatch it back again, nothing will happen.

I clearly see this is what is happening. Thanks for pointing out my flaws on this...something I have to try and work on.

Once again you are waffling...this tells me that you do not know what you want.

You can say that again...the stretches are getting longer with the way that I feel though...maybe I am fearful, of what, I don't know.

Trust me when I say this, w/mlc, divorce will not give you closure.

Then what does. i thought an apology would, but I got that in the form of an insincere MLC scripted email. I am not sure that will be enough for me anymore to get closure or even be at peace. I guess more soul searching is in order.

Do not "assume" anything when it comes to your spouse. He may or may not be w/that particular ow. He could be hiding n his rabbit hole, sitting and staring at 4 walls. He could be out w/the guys or working...we, the lbs, tend to "assume" and some of the time, those assumptions are incorrect.

I see the problem with this...it keeps me in my frustration. I guess it just shows how hurt I am, and maybe I have buried it too far to stay strong for my boys.

You are a fixer and want to fix this situation and you can't.

I am a fixer, but I don't want to fix this situation, I am trying to fix me though. I feel broken emotionally.

It's a lot of hard work when it comes to reconcilation.

And I question this everyday...if it ever got to that point would I want to put in the hard work? I am not sure that I am putting in the work now.

My question to you is this...do you love this man? If so, then give him the time and space to figure himself out.

Yes I do. But to me and maybe others, space and time just seems to make the problems bigger, and I am finding that may be influencing my thoughts a lot. Don't forget, I am getting space and time too. Working to figure myself out.

You don't want him home the way he is right now.

Ain't that the truth...I definitely see that. And in NO ways, have I, or would I allow him to return the way he is. Especially seeing how most premature returns end up. I don't want to go through that hurt again.

The stress, the unknown, the lies, and the nasty/crazy behavior was enough for me to say enough.

And this is what I am trying to express...while my H is not at home, he is seen by me and the kids most days at least once. And this behavior continues in him. And this behavior is also being imposed onto the kids.

I know that I am still waffling...and most of these emotions are my own and nothing H has really brought on...the Mission Impossible emotional roller coaster at times seems to take over, mostly when I am alone. I am trying to gain peace with what is happening now. More work needed, but I think I am fumbling along...

[BRNR]

I second the notion of "sit quietly and do nothing"

Yeah, I am trying...

[BRNR]

I just couldn't let the comment go that they never come back home. I'm still hoping mine does.

I am sorry to imply this "never" and offend anyone, RH. I have hope for everyone here, and read a lot of the sitches and see how things change for the positive in a lot of them, one way or another. I guess I lack any hope for mine anymore. Maybe I am too hard on myself.

There is a lot that I have learned from everyone here. And pain and hurt is not something I want to cause or inflict on anyone. But it does seem that the pain and hurt and added frustration is where I seem to be stuck at in this whole process. I guess my own rabbit hole...

[reachingHigher]

BRNR, don't worry sweetie, you didn't offend me I'm sorry if it sounded like you did.

It is just when I am down, it looks like nothing will ever work out and I wanted you to know, that sometimes things DO work out. It just is taking longer than I ever dreamt it would.

And the man that is coming back to our M is very different and in some ways is very the same, it's a scary place, as the whole journey has been so far.

At this point, it makes me think our travels and journeys here are all about growth for each of us and not about our actual M. That's just a way of living, probably doesn't make sense....just trying to write out some ramblings in my brain.

Have courage, and hang in there,
rH

[BRNR]

Okay...here we go (maybe).

I have been emailing H about the kids doctors and dentist appointments that are coming up. While H has been good about the finances thus far, he just asked me if I would split the cost. While I have been managing with the money he does provide me and my earnings, I am not living off the hog rather than paycheck to paycheck. So my response to him was simply...

"Which cost are you looking to split? I really am at my max financially and not in a position to carry more when it comes to them."

Now push comes to shove, I will do whatever I need to for my kids, but anyone want to chime in on my response.

I am assuming he is starting to feel the financial constraints of his single lifestyle. And I expect that soon, he will start funny busy with his monthly contributions.

In my state, there is no such thing as legal separation, and I will have to file for the divorce to get spousal and child support to maintain some help financially.

Anyone want to share their experience or advice on what I should do.