Not confused, still emotional, getting very angry

[BRNR]

Good morning everyone!

Just a little journaling-
The email that H sent me last week still has me rocked. I haven't made H aware of any of this, but that is the reality. In a million years, I never thought I would be here in this sitch, and I have been thinking a lot about how I felt about cheaters and WAS before my own bomb drop. I always told myself that if my H did that to me, I would drop him. H knows this, and always said he felt the same way (pre-alien).

I have been wondering if I am doing myself a dis-service and not being true to myself by not filing for the divorce myself.
I also see this as a catch twenty two, because in my sitch, there is nothing left but for my H to do but file for divorce, and I have finally realized that maybe, just maybe, he is still holding onto me because he does love me. Maybe?!?! Maybe this is my hope that what we had for fifteen years was real to him in some form or fashion.

So here I am, still with no answers. Still no set goal in place wether I want my marriage to be saved or not.

Do I feel stronger than I did in October, yes. Do I feel stronger than I did when he moved out in December, yes. But the act of nothing happening forward is killing me inside. I guess maybe I need closure, and I guess I just with my morals and standards in place, I can't get that without the divorce.

I have also had some thoughts on Success stories of reconciliations. It seems to me if the H's are already gone, living outside of the marital home and constraints, that they don't seem to return. How can they, the contact is so minimal if not at all, that could they just forget about us LBS's completely and start fresh on their own?

Anyway, I am contemplating the next step on this email I was sent by H. On one hand, I think he should take the initiative to go further with it, but then I remember that I have my suspicions that he is back with OW, and that this may have been for her benefit as she may be pushing him to do "something". Part of me thinks if this is true, why should I give any of them the satisfaction of the closure. Just like I have to acheive my own happiness, I feel my H needs to do this, but without my interference or doing all the leg work.

So, those are my thoughts for the day. Wheww! I had a lot more to say than I thought.