I found Limbo Land

[mrtwopointfour]

Thanks spartan. Good of you to take the time to catch up on my sitch.

All good advice and short and sweet feels the right way to go. I also have a tendency to talk too much which at times means I say something silly that W picks on.

Could you give an example of validating. I need to read my books again starting this week, but if there is a simple example you could give it would really help.

[makingmagic]

Examples of validating:

1) Im thinking of getting a motorcycle ... yes, getting a bike might be good for going for a ride to clear your head.

2) We fought way too often ... I understand. Inspite of all our stresses, the arguing was the icing on the cake.

Find something that she is saying that you can repeat back to her that says you understand it from her point.

Good luck.

[mrtwopointfour]

Thanks WFM, this is good advice and helps me out.

So for instance if W says 'I've been looking at those house there, I like the look of them' I should say something like:

'yes, they are nice houses, its a nice area to live in'. or 'yes, it would be a good place to live'

Another thing that crops up is W saying something very simple such as 'who will keep the washing machine'. How do I validate that?

[2chiquitos]

That depends. Who should keep the washing machine? I'm guessing the one that's doing all the laundry for the kids, right? That seems fair.

Take the advice of validating as this...
Who is your buddy (excluding W)? So let's say Jim
When Jim says, "Dude (I'm dating myself here ;-) I want to move to the cool district in the city." You would probably say (as any good friend would), "That's awesome man, yeah go for it!"

Get the idea? She's Jim. You're in the friend zone.

[mrtwopointfour]

Right, that makes sense also. So it also need the detachment to work a little as well, because with a friend such as Jim, I would not be emotionally attached to my reaction as I would my W.

[2chiquitos]

EXACTLY!!!

[mrtwopointfour]

Thanks 2chiquitos, another thing I now get - but need to try to put to use!

[AnotherStander]

So for instance if W says 'I've been looking at those house there, I like the look of them' I should say something like:

'yes, they are nice houses, its a nice area to live in'. or 'yes, it would be a good place to live'

Another thing that crops up is W saying something very simple such as 'who will keep the washing machine'. How do I validate that?

Validation is not about question/ answer stuff like you posted above. Validation is regarding your W's expressions of emotions and feelings. So if she asks who keeps the washing machine, you don't validate, you answer or negotiate:

"I would like to keep it, but if you give me 100 bucks you can take it and I'll use that money to help me buy a new one."

That isn't validation and it's not a question that requires validation. But here's an example of an expression of emotion that offers a great opportunity for validation:

"I feel so worthless today!!"

This response is NOT validation:

"You are not worthless, you have a lot of value, you're great!"

Neither is this:

"Don't worry about it, you're just feeling down today, tomorrow will be better!"

Both of the above dismiss her current feelings, and therefore are not validation. THIS is validation:

"I hear you saying you're feeling worthless, why are you feeling that way?"

"I just can't seem to do anything right!! Everything I do just gets screwed up!!"

"I understand and I'm sorry you feel that way, is there anything I can do to help you feel better?"

Validation is not agreeing/ disagreeing/ explaining/ negotiating/ etc. The idea is to A) encourage the other person to share more feelings and B) let them know their feelings are valid, important and legitimate.

[mrtwopointfour]

Hmm, I see - so we are talking two different things here.

When W talks about future in the form of questions or comment. Such as 'I have looked at those houses and like the look of them, I could afford one of those' - this is not something to validate, but something I need to answer in a way that does not come across as agreeing but does look like I am listening and allowing her to have these thoughts. So my answer could be "yes they do look like nice houses, and good value for money". No emotion coming through in my answer.

Where as if W says "I'm so worried about affording somewhere nice to live" I could answer with " i understand that you are concerned, why do you think you can't afford somewhere nice?"

Or have I got that wrong??

[mrtwopointfour]

I've realised that Limbo can be dangerous. There are things that keep cropping up but mostly W is carrying on 'as if' we are going towards D, I am carrying on 'as if' we are not heading for D.

However, I have realised being in this situation you need to be careful, as its all too easy to forget what you are up against, and start to fall back into M life again. For instance, yesterday I forgot to listen properly. I know it happens, I am not beating myself up about it - but it has shown me you need to be giving R 100% attention at all times. I also realised my GAL was slowing, so need to boot that up again.

I think I am going to re-assess my 180's, and Goals again after reading DR through (well half way through 2nd time). I think mine are too vague and I am not noticing the small steps. Plus my 180's, I am managing to do some of those as second nature now, so should I look deeper to find more or will this exhaust me and let me slip on the ones I had original set to work on?

I realise I have 2 threads going here so I think I will have to make a decision to close one down which I will also do, as I feel a bit Jekyll and Hyde!!!