It's very strange how our wives can act the very same way. I've never witnessed anything like this before. It's so foreign to me, it's like a bad dream that just won't go away. I feel like all this DBing is just living in denial.
I felt our marriage was pretty strong. I felt that it was going pretty well. We would have our fights and disagreements, but she never let on that anything really serious was brewing.
I really feel that the catalyst that started the demise of our marriage was her hooking up with her friends from her country of origin. She has four girlfriends that I would say she is closest to.
Girl #1 was married when we met them. Within a year was going through a divorce. Her ex and she don't get along well. Use the son as a pawn. This girl is now engaged but fights with her fiancee as well.
Girl #2 is married but her husband has been having multiple affairs on her. She can't be happy with that going on. Wife describes her as having no choice but to stay with husband due to immigration status and having kids with an American.
Girl #3 is married, but wants to leave the states. Hates her job, misses her homeland. Is looking for change.
Girl #4 appears to be going through same thing as my wife. Doesn't want her husband. They haven't been intimate in months. She seems to want nothing to do with him.
We are all influenced by who we hang with. Before my wife met these women, things were going well. I will admit that things weren't perfect, but I do believe that if she were to be hanging with a group of women who were happily married, the chances of our marriage surviving this mess would be much greater.
As things are now, it sure does seem like she's got herself a cheerleading squad, and they seem to be telling her or showing her that marriage life is nothing but misery. She spends all her free time texting talking and drinking with them and she doesn't do much with me anymore. There is no way this can be looked at as a good thing for our relationship.
In reading what I have just written, I see I have contradicted myself. I listed things that we do together and then said we don't do much together anymore. I guess what I really mean is that we do things that are everyday things that family members do together. The massages are above and beyond.
If she has spare time for recreation, she does that with her friends. She uses me as her automatic babysitter. (and that's another thing that our situation does for her. It gives her guaranteed babysitting with no required time for her to return home.) (Hell, while I was on a trip, she contacted one of my friends to see if their oldest could babysit overnight for her! How messed up is that?!)
One of the things she complains about to me is that I have a problem with her spending time out with her friends at dance clubs and bars. She claims that there's nothing wrong with it and my conservative family background makes me disapprove. She feels I am judgemental and closed minded about this.
Wife cancelled her IC session today. Not sure why. Didn't ask. Didn't tell. She never even told me she had an appointment. I found out through looking the person up on the Internet after it showed up on my calendar.
H of girl 4 called me. Girl 4 and he are not doing well. He is dealing with the same WAW behavior as the rest of us. Tried to encourage him to take care of himself. I wish there was more I could do. His wife was out all night with mine. He had texted her, but she never responded. Par for the course. Unfortunately, if things don't soon change for them for the better, I think it will be the end for them. She seems very intent on doing her thing and shutting him out totally. She and my wife seem to have become best friends.
Wife is very disconnected from me today. Had couples massage, then lunch for me, drink for her, then stopped for coffee. My wife is VERY upset and frustrated with her lack of a career. Literally started to cry in restaurant when she talked about it. She doesn't like to she'd tears. She's very much like a man when it comes to that. Looks at crying as unproductive.
I made sure to tell her just how grateful I am for everything that she has given for our family. That I could see how much she was hurting and how angry she was to be in this situation. She really reminds me of someone who comes back from war missing a limb or confined to a wheelchair and the anguish that they suffer as they struggle to accept where they are and what they are facing. It made me feel very inadequate to see her that way. I could only listen and try to see things her way and validate her loss.
I did my absolute best to communicate to her my willingness to do anything it took for her to achieve a happier place in her life. A move, a job change, a new position, more help with house, kids, downsize, whatever!
I still don't know if what I said helps. I tried offering suggestions, but quickly stopped when she would find fault with every one of them. Was I trying to fix? Probably. Went back to listening.
The only things I know are that she isn't happy, and the loss of her career has a lot to do with it.
I am willing to do whatever it takes for her to be happy. This is gonna take a long time!
Hi P2... sounds to me like W is still borderline confused with stuff. I totally heard alot of the same things today myself. Tried to do more listening than talking (180).
((HUGS)) to both of us.
Marathon, not a sprint. Detach, etc....
Patience, patience, patience.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Wif H of girl 4 called me. Girl 4 and he are not doing well. He is dealing with the same WAW behavior as the rest of us. Tried to encourage him to take care of himself. I wish there was more I could do. His wife was out all night with mine. He had texted her, but she never responded. Par for the course. Unfortunately, if things don't soon change for them for the better, I think it will be the end for them. She seems very intent on doing her thing and shutting him out totally. She and my wife seem to have become best friends.
There is no shortage of enablers out there, and when two of them get together they feed off of each other. They become WAW's on steroids. There's nothing you or your buddy can do but work on yourselves and leave them to it. My W had a similar enabler, a woman whose H had multiple affairs before she finally kicked him out. Her and W were best buds, going out partying, constantly texting each other all hours of the day and night, etc. Interestingly once W moved out they started growing farther and farther apart, now they barely talk. I haven't been exposed to a lot of these enabler relationships, but the ones I have seen all burned out, and sooner rather than later.
Wfm, thanks for reminding me I signed up for the marathon. I often forget how long the course is. Patience has never been a strong suit of mine.
AS, it's interesting that your wife's relationship with that woman fizzled out. Their common marriage woes must have been the only thing they really had in common. I do feelthatthe girls are cheering each other on. The unfortunate thing is, that kind of cheering on is the same kind you see on Jackass, and someone always ends up paying a price after the groupthink foolishness plays itself out.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I remembered what you said about expressing my gratitude to my wife for everything that she has done and all that she has sacrificed for the good of our family. I'm not sure if I did a very good job of it, but I really gave it my best effort. I did this while we were at lunch and she was expressing her pain to me about her dissatisfaction with where she finds herself right now in life. I am thinking about putting it down on paper so that some time in the future, if the opportunity is right, I can give it to her. It might be better than speaking to her.
Something very significant happened later that day. My wife spoke to me and told me she appreciated what I said to her and then she apologized for her expressions of anger and frustration. She thanked me for understanding and listening to her. Hearing that come from her meant the world to me.
I have been trying something new lately. I am convinced that one of my wife's preferred LL is PT. I have been making sure that I touch her. Either rub her neck and shoulders, massage her feet, comb through her hair with my fingers. That kind of stuff. This is how we used to be. When I do this, she doesn't pull away. She lets me continue. I see this as a good sign.
Last week, I moved myself and my clothes back into the MBR. I have been feeling that a lot of the friction we have been experiencing has been due to us both feeling that things are not normal. I believe that this has been partly fueld by our living arrangement. Because my stuff was gone and I was not sleeping with her, it made it that much more obvious that things were not normal between us. I feel that by removing that evidence, it may be helping us come together. Again, only time will bear this out.
New developments for us this week have been ML for the first time since Nov, planning a summer vacation without the kids, and her agreeing to a spring vacation as a family. On top of that, she actually kissed me before leaving to go meet her friends yesterday.
I am hopeful, but remain aware that we are NOT out of the woods. Patience, baby steps, and trying not to backslide!
WOW... sounds very hopeful P2.. fingers crossed for you!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
